"pretendings" poems
Maybe our cars sat
side by side
at the traffic lights,
and you saw me
as the lights metamorphosed,
and I leant against the window
so something else could hold me
like the boy I'd left behind.
Or maybe I stood behind you, bad tempered,
impatient and sighing louder than necessary,
in the supermarket queue,
humming the notes of a song
that later would wrap you in the folds of slumber,
while I, in insomniac hours,
shrugged off dreamland and
wondered if he'd gone to sleep.
Maybe it was the summer
I dyed my hair blonde, and
had a face decorated with freckles,
and the pretendings of a tan.
I was desperately assigning the shapes
in the faceless clouds
to the boy who'd taken my heart
and forgotten me.
I hope that maybe I was the person
who reminded you of you,
on that particular blue Monday,
when you couldn't see
yourself.
Or perfumed the train with
your childhood vanilla, and you remembered
to call home,
and it made your mother smile.
We are strangers, you and me,
but maybe, countries away,
he'll hear my laugh
unfold from you
in giggle shaped puzzle pieces,
and know.
You see, we are the stars of a labyrinthine galaxy,
inextricably connected as we trace ourselves
onto the night sky,
searching.
Jan 5, 2014
Jan 5, 2014 at 2:02 PM UTC
Footprints may no longer be visible, but they are never erased
To move forward you must first leave and it seems my feet are glued to the floor
I know what's best and i know what i need, but its hard to accept that none of that involves you
If you're no longer mine what am i so afraid to lose?
Maybe because everything i do is in someway for you
I didn't break my own heart but i handed you the hammer
So many things made up in my mind are a result of lingering hope and vague words
Under my feet is air made of bricks, pulling me down making me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
I know this means nothing to you, but i remind myself that it is one more minute i am spending time with you
I am counting every kiss, yet keeping my distance
You make my heart skip a beat, yet rip it in two simultaneously
Each and every time i move on there is not a day that i don't think of you
I end a relationship and instead of hurting over them, i fall back into hurting over you
i constantly excuse your intentions
i give into my pretendings, which forgive you each time without me knowing,
they melt my heart to stone.
Every single time I turn around to leave i feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head, but instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me i look past pain once again
I see through your charm, but your smile sparkles like a ray of sunlight through water
And you can find me like butter on the floor
Following my heart leads me down the same pointless path
Yet i can't help but look for a sign pointing me in the right direction
Why do you steal my hand whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead
How can you make someone feel your love when you're the only one still in it
3 years and still crazy for you
Jan 27, 2012
Jan 27, 2012 at 12:08 PM UTC
I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of being blamed when something goes wrong.
I'm tired of understanding other people's feelings.
I'm tired of listening to what other people are saying.
I'm tired of always smiling;
When I know i'm already drowning.
I'm just tired of all the pretendings;
Knowing you'll never even notice what's happening.
Apr 13, 2015
Apr 13, 2015 at 12:00 AM UTC
Making maps of childhood
Exploring great unknowns
Escaping to uncharted woods
To fix my broken homes
From the sharpened sticks and stone
And the daggers often thrown
Though blunt and made of silverware
They cut through bone and love we shared
So always I alone
Was left to save the fantasies
In words I wrote and read
And picture perfect families
Envisioned in my head
For the dreams that made my bed
Free from monsters that I fled
By casting fears like spells abound
When under covers I then found
My nightmare light to shed
On each house-divided page
And unhappy never endings
In this tale of coming rage
Torn out from my notebook rendings
To a tune of doom impendings
As the heroes of my youth defendings
Vanquished all my villains slain
With a sword of growing pain
Pulled out from my play-pretendings
Ever I, the dragon's bane
Jan 29, 2017
Jan 29, 2017 at 1:50 AM UTC