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The Jolteon Jan 2015
The most abused of them all
That bitter taste
The bite of fire
Liquor and beer
The murkey and the clear
One of the coolest
Joe cool
Blow like city breeze
As romanticized as diamonds
Just as ****** - cigs
The Doctors choice (orders?)
Gets you revved up
Shot to the moon and back
With complete concentration
Amphetamine aka Adderall
Kara Sep 2014
Its usually happens during the day,
I will catch myself laughing,
radiating genuine joy instead of the usual fraudulent happiness.
I'll feel the relief wash over me like a wave,
carrying away every dark thought i've ever had.
Leaving me feeling weightless and euphoric.
And in that brief moment
I can finally see the rays on sunlight
shining through the murkey waters of my mind.
I will be overwhelmed at the concept
to have finally made it.
To finally see the significant beauty of life
through untainted eyes.

Yet at 2am,
when the worlds asleep and i'm all alone.
The only company being
my bedroom walls.
The air will begin to thicken in my lungs,
and I will forget how to breathe.
The silence will scream at me as the empty
walls start to close in.
I will feel the numbness sink in,
and it will consume me,
as I let the tears fall begin to fall.

I will cry for myself,
and i'll cry for everyone I love.
I will cry for the ones who betrayed me,
and for all the people I have betrayed.
I will cry because there is nothing
I can do to stop the feeling of nothingness
and imense sadness hit me
in these early hours.
Tearing away my sanity with it's
claw like nails.


And only in the early hours
will I curse myself for being so niave,
foolish to think I could ever
escape my mind.
To think that I was ever ok.
I have not been diagnosed with dysthymia, i just get sad sometimes.
Melissa Adkins Jul 2017
Erase Me
Falling. Lost. Falling fast into a dream thats dark as night. A nightmare that steal my soul. If I even have one left worth being stole... So take it. Just take it. Take all of me. Enclose me. Encase me. Place me on display. Destroy me. Let everyone see me. Lie to me. Just make a victim of me very lastly... or was I a victim of me already? Inhale me. Breathe into me. You tease me. Is this your secret to death maybe? Of bone? Of flesh? Of the emptiness that now lie within me? The life i had you took from me. You killed me. Your ******* killing me!
Take it! Take it all! I will want for nothing. I will never again need a thing. From here on I want for not one thing. So Enclose me. Encase me. **** me slowly.
Your wants and your needs were subdued so swiftly, the very moment you entered me. And I hate you. I spit on you. I hope you burn in hell thief! Burn eternal in return for my soul you stole!
My stomach now swoll and any day now will be empty once again. A shell of what it used to be.
So Enclose me! Encase me! Erase that part of me! Erase the empty hole , the very part of me that will never again feel whole. Erase me... because what do I have left to me? Surely no pride, no dignity.... and mourning the loss of an innocent child born unto me just furthers my misery.
Yes just turn the knife a bit further. Please deepen these wounds that scar me eternally ' internally. And then abandon me. Just leave me alone. To stand alone along the jagged rocks amidst the murkey black waters of my own mind.
What little of you, you made mine. And what was mine, you took for you. We are now one in the same? No. NO!! *******! I spit on you! Because i can no longer see the difference between me and you, all I see is you. You, the no-face who maimed me with a violence that I simply can not erase. You who left me crumpled there. Left me with a hole now that I can never fill. Not with any prescription pill.
Just take it! ******* take it all, let me fall. Becsuse i can not keep pace with the direction you've chosen my life take. This is all because of you! You no name, no face, no heart bearing *******... I spit in your face!
And though my physical pain will cease, and my wounds will one day close, inevitably to be forgotten by eveybody but me....I will forever remember. Like shiney new, yesterdays pain will be renewed. Alot like the pain I now know rather intimately. The very same pain that now follow me endlessly. Constantly taunting, reminding, haunting me tirelessly of the girl I used to be. The girl i was once before you yanked my innocence and tore it from me. Washed it clean from me... washed up on shores of morbid curiousity. Because that is about all I've left of me. All the questions that circled around me making me feel a devastating despair and a hopelessness throughout my entirety. I am simply treading water here. Taking up space. I'm just another victim without a case. Insomnia settled in and seems to be moving into this vaccant space you placed and it drives me further insane.
You very well may be the death of me. Nothing but my ashes to settling along the bottom of a vase.
As you Enclose me. Yes encase me in a vase and just Erase me. Place my weary body 6 feet beneath thee so that peace may once again find me. So that you can no longer hurt me.
Free me... of this constant countdown of the hours I may have left to me. Days marked only by the number of breaths I take. And each and every solitary tear that streak down my cheek.
Take it. Take it all from me! And then be gone from me! Have you not taken enough of me? Have you not taken all you possibly could from me already? You can have anything... if only I could go back. Rethink, rechoose, using less of the hurt i felt and more of the fact..... I want my baby back.
Melissa Adkins Feb 2014
Falling.
Lost.
Falling fast into a dream dark as night.
A nightmare that steal my soul.
If I  have one left worth being stole...
So take it. Just take it.
Take all of me.
Enclose me. Encase me.
Place me on display. Destroy me.
Let everyone see me. Lie to me
Just make a victim of me very lastly...
or was I a victim of me already?
Inhale me.
Breathe into me.
You tease me.
Is this your secret on death?
Of bone? Of flesh?
Of the emptiness that now lie within me?
The life I had, you took it from me.
You killed me.
Your killing me!
Take it! Take it all!
I will want for nothing.
I'll never again need a thing..
So Enclose me. Encase me.
**** me slowly.
Your wants, your needs were subdued swiftly,
the moment you entered me.
And I hate you. I spit on you.
I hope you burn in hell.
Your a thief!
I hope you burn eternal in return for my soul you stole!
My stomach now swoll,
And any day now will be empty once more.
A shell of what it used to be.
So Enclose me! Encase me!
Erase that part of me!
Erase the empty hole ,
the part of me that now will never feel whole.
Erase me...
What do I have left to me?
No  pride, no dignity....
Mourning  the loss of this  innocent child .
Soon to be born unto me, just furthers my misery.
Yes please, turn the knife even further.
Please deepen these wounds that scar me eternally ,
Internally.
Abandon me.
Just leave me be..
To stand alone on the jagged rocks,
Amidst the murkey black waters of my own mind.
What little of you, you made mine.
And what was mine, you then took for you.
We are now one in the same? No.
Are we not?.... No!
NO!! *******! I spit on you!
Because I can no longer see the difference
Between me and you,
All I see is you!
And I hate you!
You, the no-face
Who maimed me with a violence that simply can't be erased.
You who left me crumpled there,
Gasping, fighting  for air.
Left me with a hole that now I can never fill.
Not even with a prescription pill.
Just take it! ******* take it all,
Just let me fall.
Because I can not keep pace
With this direction you've chosen my life take.
This is all because of you!
You no name, no face, no heart bearing *******...
I spit in your face!
And though any physical pain will one day cease,
And these wounds, they to will close.
Inevitably in the end,
I 'll  be forgotten by everyone .
but me....I will forever remember.

Like shiny new yesterdays, my pain will be renewed..
A pain I know now,rather intimately.
The very same pain that follow me now...endlessly.
Constantly taunting, reminding, and haunting me.  
The girl I was before you tore my innocence from me.
Washed it clean of me...
leaving me on the shores of morbid curiousity.
This all I've left of me.
nothing but questions left to circle around me
Making me  dizzy.
Hopelessness run throughout my entirety.
I am simply treading water.
Taking up space.
Another victim without a case.
Insomnia settles into the vacant space you placed.
Leaves me feeling even more insane.
You may be the death of me.
Nothing but my ashes to settle
Along the bottom of a vase,
As you Enclose me.
Encase me in a vase.
Erase me.
Place my body 6 feet beneath thee
And one day I pray,  peace be  restored to me.
So that you can no longer hurt me.
Free me...
Of constantly  counting the hours of the days,
That may be left to me.
Days marked by the number of breaths I take.
I count every tear that streak.
Take it. Take it all from me!
And then be gone from me!
Have you not taken enough of me already?
Have you not taken everything possible you could from me ?Take it!
You can have anything... if only I can go back.
Back to the old me.
Back before you ***** me....
                                                     M. Adkins
© Melissa Adkins. All rights reserved
Hadrian Veska Oct 2016
Something strange sits
In the murkey mist of ages
Just far enough out of reach
To keep us from its truth

The closest ever we come to it
Is the soft ringing in our ears
That comes only in dead of night
When all but the mind sleeps

Every night does it play
In vain hope
Lulling us to sleep
And bidding us to dream

Desperately calling to us
With all its might
So that one day
We might wake up
dilshé Jun 2021
Murkey thoughts

of potential poems

                            lurk around

my heavy void                         of emptiness

the struggle to translate them into words

                     fires up frustration

an insinuation                       of a dulling passion......

once existed a mind of clarity-

               unbothered by the taunting past & present

& the future of uncertainty
                                        
Once when I wrote of       frogs   &    jellybeans

with much simpler rhyming schemes

once when confusing questions didn't   f l o a t  around

certainly not ones that were this
                                                         profound.

now insanity replaces curiosity

dysfunctional thoughts &
                                             distruaght rhymes

try to summarize

my ConfusiOn
finally gave up trying to write the perfect poem & ended up with this mess XD

— The End —