in just a moment I realised that it wasn't worth it.
i've kept my head high, my shoulder straight.
walked through it with a smile, even when it's fake.
i held it in, hoping, believing and wishing it's all okay.
but I know better. It will never be, I started seeing grey.
there's no point in holding it in.
when all I want to do is to let it out.
i couldn't keep my smile on anymore.
eventually, everyone had figured me out.
i held on dearly, a part of me still think we're meant to be.
oh but who was I fooling? No one else but me.
i cried for the times we spent together.
i cried for the days to get better.
i cried yearning for your warmth.
i cried knowing i have to move forth.
but now I smile.
I smiled knowing our memories are one of a kind.
I smiled knowing I would be fine.
I smiled, because I am made for someone else.
You were just there to complete a chapter.
Not the main character.
In this movie we called life, I know what I must do.
Therefore, I will smile, i will strive, and power through.

- kimin

mermaid


i was happy,
my soul intoxicated euphorically
i get to talk to you, get to see you smile
my mind
It etched portraits of us
every sadness in me,
my mind ostracised
just by seeing your tall figure.
that one fight, that one fault.
i regret it till this day,
nothing was the same after that,
i wish i could swim away from this,
make you forget,
a tale of mermaid being turned to bubbles,
that's what I imagined.
I hurt you, i disappointed you.
I should turn to sea bubbles, popped when being touched,
soft and harmless,
that way,  i know
I won't hurt you,  
because everytime i try to carress you,
smile definitely paints on your face
i disappear,
but with your smile
captured on my last glance.

- kimin

Hearing you whisper words to me,
Soft gentle sound resonates to my ear,
I tried my best to will my self to sleep,
All because I didn't want to hear you speak.

But the more words you expressed,
I can't help but feel like I want to know more,
I want to hear more of it.
So I let you speak on your own.

My eyes closed shut,
Afraid you would figure out I was awake,
But it didn't matter,
Because I turn around in hopes to make you stop.

Stop belittling yourself,
Stop blaming yourself.
I turned with pain in my eyes to see you looking at me fondly.
I knew I chose the right person.

Words of apologies weren't the only thing that were exchanged,
You made me feel reassured, safe and secured.
I was lucky to have you as mine.
Mine today, tomorrow and forever.

- kimin

the warm blanket covering me at night made me think of you again.

- kimin

To that person who will win his heart and be by his side,
This is not a warning, nor a threat but simply an advice.
See how he is, see through his lies,
The way his eyes blinks, the way he stutters,
His postures and his feelings.

I want you to be by his side,
Throughout all the problems you may face,
Please remember that human makes mistake,
If the mistake can be overturn,
Don't leave, but Stay.
Understand why.
I am sure he has his reasoning.
For he is a man of a deep thinker
He was my man, but I let him go,
I left and didn't stay,
Be the different that I can't be.
Stay.

- kimin

Its days like these that made me think,
What would it be like, if I were in you arm,
Abstracts shapes traced on your skins,
fingers caressing any skin exposed,
as a results of being comfortable with you.

I kept thinking and thinking,
What would it be like if fate were on my side,
Will I get to see you?
I kept imagining how we will meet,
different scenarios plotted in my minds with one similarity,
You being in front of me.

Out of all people I decided to fall for, it chose you.
I suppose fate is by my side.
Fate wants me to leave you alone, to watch you from afar,
As the possibility of me hurting you when we're together,
Hurts me more than when Fate do put us together,
I just hope Fate place you with someone who dearly cherishes you,
Just like how I do.

- kimin

It hurts.
Breathing. Blinking.
Swallowing. Smiling.
Laughing. Learning.

When I don't have the will to laugh,
Even more when someone tries to make me laugh,
or call my name.

When I act different than my usual self,
But the usual me isn't my real self.
I'm much more than what I put myself,
Out there to be.

Those words you said,
It stays in my mind now.
The will for it to stay is much stronger than my will,
To be happy.

It's a different case for me,
For you is a whole different case too.
It matters more for you apparently,
Mine seems to be cascaded to the side with no second glance.

- kimin

The beauty of loving you,
Worth the pain of letting go.
And if for now, you would let me,
I'll love you as much as I could,
with nothing but thoughts of 'if only.'

- kimin

I don't know why, but I can't seem to do it.
I try to forget you, but you stuck so strongly in my mind.
Nothing unbinds you, not even when I see you happy with someone else.

- kimin

11:11, make a wish.
for me, I wish, for things to stay the same.
but it was too late.
for when I wish for it to stay the same, it had changed.
I feel the distance, even when we're close.
the effort I place to keep it together,
for it to not change,
was nothing but in vain.
sometimes, I feel like it's one-sided.
That it's only me.
do you feel like we've changed?
Or is it all in my head?
i used to know what to say, what to type and how to react.
now I'm not even sure what to do.
do I say what's on my mind? Can I do this? Should I?
I feel restricted. I used to never limit myself when it comes to you.
But I find myself unconsciously doing it several times.
Before it was something that I do all the time.
i can see myself losing you,
Slowly, bit by bit;
and there's nothing I could do to mend it.
you're the one person I didn't want to lose.
the one who went through everything with me,
the one who keeps by me, truly knows me.
the one I run to, on an autopilot.
i trust you with my soul, my bare self.
i trusted for us to stay the same.
to never change.
but I guess i didn't trust us enough,
for I made the wish, when the clock showed 11:11.
i silently yelled, for the wish to come true.
I guess even in silence, someone heard me.
Because knowing a person's wish, before it is granted,
Will never make it come true.

11:11, make a wish.
My wish, is for you to be happy.
Even if it's without me.
So I'll keep the wish to myself,
Hoping it'll come true.

- kimin

Our vision of love was different.  Much that of our views on the phrase 'i love you' was.  
It was different because i clung to you every second that i can,  i give you all the warmth i can give.  I let my heart be visible to you.
I made sure to hug you extra tight on the bad days, hold your hand sligthly longer despite the hot weather.
I search high and low for ingredients of your happy meal.
I draw the curtain down, secure the lock and made sure the temperature is just right.
Because i know with just me cuddling you will let you know i love you.

Your vision of love was different.  Oh but it never made my love wavered.
The way you switched hand from holding my right hand, to my left, grumbling about the hot weather.
The little pat on my head, the way you made sure to leave one of your hoodies just so you can replace the one with your faded  scents.
You made sure to show me rather  than telling  me your views of love. Although there are times where I get long texts containing your pent up love. 'You make me really happy, you know that right?'
You don't say it,  but you made me feel so loved in ways I never have felt before.
To the point where I get scared of losing you. My last love,  my greatest downfall.

- kimin

for some, it frees them,
a craving,
it is given to them,
even when they reject it.
it's liberating, it's reassuring.
it's the end of suffering,
a moment of halt, yet
creates a ruckus.
that is for some.
i never thought death would greet her,
at least not this soon.
my heart told me to brace it,
it rids the torment, the pain.
but i've grown attached.
just as death grew an attachment to her.
i fought, for who i'm not yet ready to let go,
to dominate death, so it can detach itself.
my grip on her, was strong.
i wanted her to focus on me,
to not give death the attention it craves,
for it will too form a much stronger attachment.
i fought so hard.
for a second, your attention was on death,
i could hear it rejoice, knowing it has you.
death gloats itself, prideful for getting you.
but then i got you back.
i wanted to gloat, i wanted to rejoice
just as death was when it had you.
but seeing how sad and disappointed death was on losing you,
i didn't.
instead, i held you.
you were in my grasp, yet your eyes still on death,
i had your attention, but i could read your eyes.
i wasn't in it.
that's when i threw the white flag.
death has a unique taste. a very addictive taste.
you had a sip, and you wanted more.
i didn't try to fight death anymore,
death was not the bad person, but i was.
i kept you here for so long,
forced you to hold onto the pain.
you were gripping, for my sake,
but when i saw the grip marks,
i knew i had to let you go.
your last moment wasn't as grim as i thought,
it wasn't sad. it wasn't a ruckus.
it was peaceful, a beautiful sight.
you let go, as i let you go.
i hand over your hand, to death,
bid you farewell, and asked death to take care of you.

- kimin

it's hard to see you with someone else.
but i'll toughen up.
my fault I was a coward. I couldn't give you what you needed.
I could only watch you from afar.
Our interaction were nothing less than full of one-sided hatred.
You love to hate me, and I love you.

I pray that in another universe, we could be together.

- kimin

i started to watch movies you've recommended.
to see what it is that makes you happy.
just so i could understand you better.
throughout it all, my mind places you as the lead.
with me being your counterpart.
i would've find it strange.
me sitting here, netflix turned to different genres i'd usually opt for.
but when i decided to accept you, not just some parts of you, but the whole of you.
i began to see the joy in watching cliche movies.
the crying for sad scenes.
the humour in between the dialogues,
the message behind each sentences.

i understand now.
it's not the movie.
it's the person that invades my thoughts as each scenes unravelled.


- kimin

one by one, I start to think,
what is it that i like about you?
was it the way you smile with your eyes shrinks half it size?
the way your lips spread open, showing gums resembled what i'd hoped and wished i could see everyday?
then i think about how it was probably how you stood your ground, calm me down, and picked me up.
Or maybe it was that time where you showed me what you were good at, excitedly with joy that was contagious to all.
What is it that made me infatuated?
you, you, you, you, you.
it has always been that, not him. not her, not me.
you.
you've never really spare me a glance,
maybe you have, but I didn't get to witness it unlike the rest.
This all messes with my head.
Can't you get out?
But only for a while,
I don't think I can last long without thinking about you.
Maybe I can, but I'd be on autopilot with no consciousness of anything.
I supposed it's my own fault.
I got myself in too deep.
Then i decided to dug deeper.
Even with help, i don't think it's possible to get out.
Not that i want to, because maybe, just maybe;
I got too comfortable being here.

- kimin

it's true that people told us won't last.
But darling, did you forget?
That I am a headstrong person?
Words will circulates, just like rumours filling the air.
But I will never stop, until I know that you're back here.
More than a month has passed.
Surely it's a given month to grow and forget,
But this one whole month without you there,
I grew, but never forget.
Ir's not that I never forget, it's that I cannot ever forget.
Don't worry, once you're back, acceptance and love,
Warmth and familiarity, is all you will get.
Sweetheart have you forgotten?
We made a promise that night,
Together till the end, together no matter what,
I'll chant those words till you're back,
Even when you're back.
Because love I don't want you to forget.
That where you are, I am always here.

- kimin

i woke up and thought of you.
if our thoughts are somehow connected,
you would have thought of me too,
right?

- kimin

a mattress that served as a comfort,
to my soul and body that ached.
pillows of which that has showered by so many tears, made itself dry to only get fresh new sets of wave.
the constant staring contest between me and the wall.
often time, I wonder who would win?
who would look away first?
blankets that suffocate me,
yet produce sense of comfort in me.
all of which knew, seen and listened to what never been disclosed.

- kimin

I willed myself to close my eyes.
You were there, by my side.
If I was asked what was my favourite sound, I'd answer 'our harmonised laughters' in a heartbeat.
I drowned out others, with my whole attention placed upon you.
I wonder how it is possible for something so beautiful and so kind can bring out the deepest emotions in me.
Then I understood.
Someone so kind, so beautiful and tender can't always evoke the deepest emotions in a person.
It was because it was you.
I understood how I could feel love, caring, and warmth.
You made me feel.
The sincerity in which you exudes liberates how I feel around you.
I was able to free myself from the shackles that held me so tightly - to conform to what I felt was what I should be.
I didn't feel the need to limit myself, to only show the good.
I was a person. I was living when I'm with you.
You held out your hand to me, with the smile I forever etched in my memory.
Taking a step forward, my hand was close to clasp around yours.
The wind blew strongly and a raindrop fell on me.
I opened my eyes and you weren't there.
I was not laughing with you, I was not by your side.
You were laughing, but it wasn't with me.
Your kindness, warmth and love can be felt, but it wasn't directed towards me.
I was fooled in wanting an alternative reality, when knowing my punishments was to live in a reality parallel to yours.

- kimin

I wonder what's the differences between,
A smoke, and a white fog.
They're the same kind.
Both filled the air, both are gases.
When thick, they act as barrier to our sight,
Unable to see, where we are, and our surrounding.
But, white fog does not suffocate me.
White fog does not hurt my eyes.
A smoke caused me to suffocate,
Smoke brings to tear to my eyes.
So I wonder, which one are you?
Do I still call you a white fog, one who caresses me softly?
Or should I stay away from you, a smoke who only makes my eyes swell and cry?
Do I stay? take the risk and find which one you are?
Do I want to know which one you really are?

- kimin

i've read that falling in love is a beautiful feeling.
like lying down on a made bed after a long day
where you feel all your hours of stress disappearing.
similar to the first sip of coffee in the morning,
the taste of bitterness as a mere substitute for an instant serotonin.
some say it's like taking a breath of fresh air after staying inside for so long,
with wind blowing and the chirping bird on the branch getting along.
a few compared it to a freshly washed laundry,
soft, warm and oh so heavenly.
i pictured it'd feel like the comfort and serenity that rainy day brings,
knowing you can stay in bed, rolling around while staring out the window, or up the ceiling.
he said that love is when you think about them and smile,
finding yourself needing to see them all the time, almost like a child.
my mother said it's in the way you can't control yourself,
because everytime we're around them, we would want to keep them to ourselves.
my father told me that it's like eating your favourite food, especially knowing when it's free.
a neighbour told me that the feeling is so unique,
when getting a kiss on a cheek buckles your knees weak.
i heard that you could conquer everything, and anything.


but they never told me that love can be painful.
like accidentally holding the handle of a boiling ***,
temporarily forgetting that not only its body, but the handle could be hot.
or like the heart-wrenching pain that i didn't know one could feel, so much so that it gets hard to breathe.
they said it'll get easy with love, as you will have someone there with you all the time, any time.  
but they never told me that it's easier to feel pain, knowing and watching as the one person that always had your back be the one who leaves you behind.
they never told me that forgetting is harder than remembering.
with remembering,  you would only recall parts of things.
forgetting? detaching yourself from something that exudes and evokes so many emotions?
how do you forget something that's been engraved so deeply?
they never told me how much effort it requires to get back up, that not even a rainy day can't bring the comfort and serenity that companies it.
they didn't tell me how hard it is to control the tears from coming, again and again and again.
they certainly didn't tell me how hard i had to beg
curled up in my blanket, just to forget.


i figured i have to feel it firsthand,
maybe then I'd understand.
for now, i'll just note it all down,
I'll vicariously learn through someone.
i promise my mother to look out for my heart,
not to give it carelessly to someone who could tear it apart.
before i give it my all, before i deeply fall.
for now, i'll let life takes its own role.

- kimin

I spent every second of the day thinking what should I do?
How can I get rid of you?
I don't want you around me anymore.
Tired of seeing you everywhere I go.
I could map out every single details of you
The way your lips quirks upward
Posture as straight as you carry yourself tall,
Eyes gleam, youthful, somehow the first thing I had noticed.
Your soft yet rough hands reaching out to me,
Your breathing, your scent, your voice.
I see you everyday, that I remember it all.
Listing it down seem almost as if,
As if I'm writing a poetic passage
I've began to feel as though I've analysed you. Your whole being.
I drown myself, not to die but to feel in control.
I couldn't even construct a sentence for the one I claimed to have my heart, yet I've become an analytical person when the subject is you.
So tell me, how do I get rid of you?
I see you in everything I do.
The sun that rise, greeting me in the morning.
The air I breathe, knowing your lungs functions as I do,
Tell me, how do I get rid of you?


- kimin

you were intangible, but yet within my grasp.
a grasp of something warm, a breath of fresh air.
we declared that we're meant to be,
after a life known only despair,
we float away from our responsibilities,
even deathly-held stares.

you took of the first layer,
to which i followed in suit,
you called me your saviour,
onwards, our happiness pursuit

alas, our happiness hit an end,
when our woes caused by dear old friend.
the grasps held dearly, begin to loosen,
the path we taken were given, not chosen.

betrayal soaked deeply through your vein,
your distrust in me, delighted our dear old friend.
it was never true to begin with, if only you know,
i faced the darkest night and shadows, all on my own.

I was captivated by the brightest moon in the darkest of night,
A shine forged from despair, woes and fight.
The only moon that shined so bright.  
you were my moon, and i was the night.

- kimin