I see you crying
because of the dark shadow in me,
but your sorrow is my sorrow
as your happiness is my happiness and
I want to cry too,
I want to cry with you,
trying to comfort you
when it's impossible to
because I am what I am
and I can't change the past,
I can change myself
and I can't do nothing more than staying with you,
hugging you in our tears,
maybe we will cry forever
thinking about how good it would have been
if I really were a better person
as you believed when you chose to stay with me.
I want to watch the sky with you
and give you a star to make you happier,
but I know it's not enough,
I just want to take care of you,
stay in my arms,
I'm always here,
I want to make you feel warm,
singing you a lullaby
because I love you infintely,
there's no love like you,
because your feelings are my feelings,
and your heart is one and dual with mine,
and my biggest dream is to see you fly again one day,
again,
high in the sky,
higher and higher
towards the sun
and there will be
no more tears,
no more shadows,
just the shine in your eyes
to smile again.

I wonder how one who lives by the sea
can ever truly believe that love doesn’t exist.
Do you not see the desperation in the way
the waves pound endlessly to the shore?
They crash deliriously on the rocks,
and it reminds me of how I want you:
infintely, eternally, like the stars.

I am so tired of this sick, dysphoric feeling I get in the pit of me,
a dull ache in my bones.
I keep going:
I purse my lips and choke on my flowery words.
I won’t pretend to be a poet anymore.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to just love me ironically,
or kiss me sarcastically,
or undress me metaphorically.
I want this to be honest and pure.

I don’t need a love song sung at dawn,
or towers built in my honor.
Sunsets and moonlight are not for you, I understand.
I just want to feel you breathe against me in timed rhythms.
Rise, peak, fall.
I need this.

I forgive.
I love you the way I love me.
You are me and I am you

You killed me
But I forgive
Because of love
Because you are you
Because no matter what you do to me
Being away from you
Is infintely worse
Than every torture you can think to inflict on my
Broken bleeding heart.

Leaving you
Would not maim me. It would not crush me.
It would be as if I never existed
Oblivion no end for there was no beginning.

But you killed you.
And love your murderer?
Never.

So far, I've lived 2,396,736,000 seconds. For those of you who have trouble with numbers, that's two tillion three hundred and ninety-six billion and thirty-six million seconds, and I'm just getting started! Or to look at it in a somewhat different way, I could take each second I have lived and begin to divide it in half, and then each half by half, and continue doing the same infinitely. So you could posit that I, and all the rest of you, live infintely. We are, therefore, all ageless! The most important question ask now is what are we going to do with our ageless lives. I suggest loving, first yourself, then all others.

Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks