CLVI

First of all, condemn the life thou art now leading: but when thou hast condemned it, do not despair of thyself--be not like them of mean spirit, who once they have yielded, abandon themselves entirely and as it were allow the torrent to sweep them away. No; learn what the wrestling masters do. Has the boy fallen? "Rise," they say, "wrestle again, till thy strength come to thee." Even thus should it be with thee. For know that there is nothing more tractable than the human soul. It needs but to will, and the thing is done; the soul is set upon the right path: as on the contrary it needs but to nod over the task, and all is lost. For ruin and recovery alike are from within.

I retreat into myself
Into the corridors of me
I lounge on the well worn flagstones
Gazing on the marble columns
Arranging tapestries and paintings in
A more perfect order
I stalk down old hallways and explore unnamed galleries with a
Single candle to push back the deep
Sometimes rooms are filled with old Furniture
Sometimes entirely empty
Once feeling brave I held onto
The threshold of such a room and
Stretching out I hold the candle aloft in the chasm. Nothingness, darkness complete the light puddles at my feet pitiful.
When I recall that yawning abyss the silence of
It persists.
In ballrooms I play Chopin's waltzs' for no one  in particular
Yet I take my bow and my place at the head of a table set for a score of kings
I lay on marble steps trying to guess the riddles that my echo whispers
I climb the  towers and the spires to dizzying heights and many weeks I was lost in the labyrinth of cellars of basements of tombs beneath
I have seen strange things lately: a chair upturned or
Bed unmade, quills still wet, and doors open and shut of their own volition in the inky black
I swear I have seen before
A tall figure in a hooded cloak dart
Into the shadows, and it did not seem
Altogether human

I read for years inside my library  
And have spoken at length to Shakespeare and Plato
I have seen Yggdrasil and the seven hells
And sped through time with
H.G Wells. Of death and moon, of birds and galaxies I am enamored.
Tea with Julius Ceaser, chess with Captain Hook.
Breakfast with The Buddah
Coffee with The Christ
Did you know that Captain Ahab takes His water with a squeeze of lime? No Ice. Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain know me by my first name, I have fenced with the Gods of Olympus and of Asgard and I remain undefeated. The divine crowd my hearth and many nights have been passed here in quiet conversation, with Confucius, with Archimedes, with Epictetus, Davinci, and the brothers Grimm
I have lived ten thousand lives and Will live another ten

-Without a single thought of you-

I wander
To my garden
Gently lit by paper lanterns
The path is smooth and heady
The amber blossoms
And weathered sculptures
Make my eyelids heavy
Monuments with fists clenched beat my
Ego ******
New flowers sprout from the ivy throat
Always things are grown but never overgrowing
I steal through the hedge maze that only I know
To the secret center where no plant grows
Pavilion and pond
Where no bird sings year long
In that quiet I endeavor
To look without fear
Into the pupil of forever

Better to be taciturn
Than babble through a tacky turn
And fail to hear enough to learn
In common conversation

Others may proclaim you shy
Or timid, mousy, terrified
Resist the urge to justify
Your ramble regulation

It doesn’t make you weak or mute
To take a minute to compute
A thought before you contribute
May optimise your speaking

Pause won’t hurt your cause unless
Your words are just a game of chess
To press, suppress, or to impress
Correcting or critiquing

Do you desire a partnership?
A sharing, caring, airing?

Or more of a dictator-grip?
A snaring, scaring, blaring?

Maybe you are silence-scared
Uncomfortable with empty air
And feel it is your job to bare
The sound continuation

Worry not my helpful friend
Your heavy duty at an end
More useful with an ear to lend
       Look kind toward the taciturn
       You may yet find a lot to learn
With still consideration

knuckles ache
peel back the page:
Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus
cluck the tongue
boys outside throw jabs
over a cracked
cricket bat
a father frets over
investments and client work,
simple things.
I read on
wondering how so many words
committed to tranquility
could be attributed to so many men
when women
trained stoics since the womb
would pen epics -
if only they were not plucking stones from rice.

(Handbook for Quarreling Lovers)I THOUGHT of offering you apothegms.
I might have said, "Dogs bark and the wind carries it away."
I might have said, "He who would make a door of gold must knock a nail in every day."
So easy, so easy it would have been to inaugurate a high impetuous moment for you to look on before the final farewells were spoken.
You who assumed the farewells in the manner of people buying newspapers and reading the headlines-and all peddlers of gossip who buttonhole each other and wag their heads saying, "Yes, I heard all about it last Wednesday."
  
I considered several apothegms.
"There is no love but service," of course, would only initiate a quarrel over who has served and how and when.
"Love stands against fire and flood and much bitterness," would only initiate a second misunderstanding, and bickerings with lapses of silence.
What is there in the Bible to cover our case, or Shakespere? What poetry can help? Is there any left but Epictetus?
  
Since you have already chosen to interpret silence for language and silence for despair and silence for contempt and silence for all things but love,
Since you have already chosen to read ashes where God knows there was something else than ashes,
Since silence and ashes are two identical findings for your eyes and there are no apothegms worth handing out like a hung jury's verdict for a record in our own hearts as well as the community at large,
I can only remember a Russian peasant who told me his grandfather warned him: If you ride too good a horse you will not take the straight road to town.
  
It will always come back to me in the blur of that hokku: The heart of a woman of thirty is like the red ball of the sun seen through a mist.
Or I will remember the witchery in the eyes of a girl at a barn dance one winter night in Illinois saying: Put off the wedding five times and nobody comes to it.

I chipped golf *****
Onto the putting green

In a hidden Canyon
Bright Cloud
An hour or so before sunset

The cloud drifts through the sky
Emanating light
Radiating sunlight
Dazzling light

I am overwhelmed by nature's beauty
I observe the Tao
I take part in the changing
The final hour of daylight

Sun cloud
Floating through the air

Sunset
In the distance
Pink Cloud
Barely light outside

Now it's dark
Bright moon
Full moon
Clear moon

I really saw
I watched
As I listened to Epictetus

Great and mysterious is this planet

"The unexamined life is not worth living" -Socrates

"KNOW THYSELF" -- Socrates

"Wise is he who knows that he knows nothing." - Socrates

"Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well." -- Epictetus

"No pleasure is a bad thing in itself, but things which produce certain pleasures bring troubles many times greater than the pleasures." -- Epicurus

"Natural wealth is both limited and easy to attain, but wealth, as defined by groundless opinions, extends without limits." - Epicurus

They announced
It was the end
Of the world today

I just smiled and laughed
And thought
It will all be okay

And so what
Is after this life
We will one day see

Heavenly and peaceful fields
For you and me

I create what it would
Look like
In my own mind

And I envision
How I would pass the time

A conversation with Socrates
Maybe Epictetus too
Oh how intellectually stimulating
And good for you

I will climb pristine peaks
Wade waist deep
In crystal waters clear
Great love is always near

This little Toshiba netbook
Is having some problems functioning

I always took good care of it
I think it's four years old by now

I thought I would be able to afford a regular computer by now
At least I had a few interviews

Still no luck
Oh well

If the powers that be
Won't hire me
Then ***** it

I have a B.A. Plus 16 months for the credential
I still live here at home

I will have lived here 17 years this upcoming October
Looks like it will be another year or so
Before I finally move out
I'm not really sure?

Geeze I'm a living saint for goodness sakes
A ****** and never been drunk too

I sit in my room watching history documentaries
And reading philosophy too

I don't expect to fall in love
I just want to make a small salary
Enough to have my own small apartment

I wish I had some more good friends
Hmm well I guess I'll go chip golf ***** now
And listen to the golden sayings of Epictetus

You have to love yourself
You have to believe in yourself
Because everything is so hard

The boy watched them lower his mum' s wooden box
He was just 11 at the time
Family crowded around him
He did not take any notice of them
He was numb

Everything else around his lost meaning
The world was without colour
He tried to make sense of it all
No success

Back home ,  he went to his room
Curtains drawn, massive headphones
He listened to stories online
Stories on Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus
Right then he became a convert
A Stoic.

Now he understands,
Mum did not die, she Returned !
Do he promised himself never to be attached again !
That's when he received Salvation
He was free

Try Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Epicurus, the Buddha's  and the teachings of Zen.

If the mind doesn't choose in its neutrality,  the person cannot be thrown out of his equanimity and equilibrium.

Death is nothing according to all these modes of thinking.

The right way of living conquers death.

Holding on to security is the greatest impediment to peace of mind and happiness.

Thus, accepting impermanence is the greatest wisdom.

The self that holds too tightly to itself lives in fear and causes its own suffering--it has not grasped that it exists only in temporal time and that soon enough, it will perish as all living creates must at the end.


Be empty, be grateful, be gentle with yourself in self-compassion,  be in harmony with yourself, with your fellow-beings and with the universe, exercise compassion and humility, embrace and accept the moment, be it joy or pain, discard all trivia, drop all regrets,

forget time--the past is no more and the future exists only in thought,-- enjoy the simplest of things, have humour even in your darkest hours and when calls on you, walk into its shadows in fullest acceptance, grace and dignity.

Remind me that long in 2018
the beach will be among different birds
That the trees have many colors
That my neighbors car is art,
coyote save Epictetus,
The inside of a classroom is maybe a child crying,
On television is the actress wearing glasses, my nose,
Look at sky, loud and handsome, the slushy at midnight.

The younger brother must pay for the pleasures of her elder brother
Said Jane Austen.
She overshot the mark by far.
13 considered an unlucky number .the number of years between me and my brother.
Heard from my mother about his visits to the hospital
By blood  a brother
Caring,  a father.
Shepherding a Godfather.


An alumni, his reputation
Got me admission
Into a school
Of great reputation.
Trips to school
Sitting on the back of his bullet
Oldest memories i can recall
Never have I felt safest.


Falling sick  became a   habit .
Month long stays at the infirmary.
An annual practice.
Jaundice  Typhoid and Tonsils
Flat feet and almost blind
Visits to the doctor a daily grind.
Nursing  and tending he  became  my shield
A lifetime's time  spent on rehabilitation
All this by the time i was only seven


There is no time like old times
He is he lens i see my past through
He was my superhero
Fought all my battles without a cape
Bullies teachers friends
Never let me feel the pain
Stood in front and fought them all
In a jiffy at my beck and call
Unforgettable lessons to them thought
Daily a dilemma
Relentless in nature
Defending became his  dogma.
In a tight spot
Riding shotgun and pounding the beat
Helped handle  hard hitting heat .
From brother to alter ego to friend and hero
I did not live in his shadow
I did in his glow


Movies he watched
Music he listened
Paved the path
Deep inside my heart
Formed an impression
Became a passion
Obsession became collection
Driving force of my  existence
It is he who funds it in abundance



Poles apart and polarised
Brutally honest and  unbiasedly truthful
Clashed with my half truths and slight stretches.
Evolved soon into deception , deceit  subterfuges
Past Consigned to oblivion ,emerged a battle of wits
Of which i had none and was at its end
Perception principle and policy
Even the nazis and jews seemed friendly



Critical of me in entirety
Tried with all sincerity
To get me on the path of honesty
Which i resisted defiantly


America a catalyst
Squabbles became a feud
My ambitions were high
Made everyone sigh
Presumed wrongly
I went ahead unabashedly
Lack of clarity
Detached from reality
Suicide more sensible option
Rather than to give a visa petition.
Blissfully unaware
Wishful thinking leads nowhere
Embassy ended my dream ,which
Deserved only to remain a dream


Frustration grew and rants followed
Shouting matches throughout echoed
Decibels enough to din an orchestra
Constant blaming became the final straw.


Led a life of decadence
My life result of subversion
Others realising their dream
Was an act of treason.


Bottled up anger
Lack of esteem
Feeling sorry
Life at crossroads
Dreams distant
Pushing the pedal
On the highway to hell.


Pursued me duly
Followed Epictetus
Enviable job handed on a platter.
Asking friends a favor
Did not seem to matter
Emerged a decent career.
Took care of the next decade plus one  year


Having a problem with his mentor
Did not make matters better
My version ruined his career
Fathers dreams destroyed
Mother's sacrifices laid to waste
False hopes and rainbow promises
Had him in hospital with a broken neck
Carefully built education scuttled
Six years wasted
Fruits of which till today tasted.
His only mistake
Cause he wouldnt forsake
His main flaw
A man of his intellect should have foresaw.
I did my best
To no avail ,Only bitterness prevailed







Never one to forego the past
Gratitude just a mask
A night of drunken rage
Rather unfortunate
Words spoken with hate
Kept us apart for a decade.



Uniqueness separates oneness
Still poles apart
Not as distant in the past
Contrast and contradictions
twelfth or never


I needed a father and a mother
Only to provide for me a   brother.
Not always eye to eye
Not always  heart to  heart
Final truth ,by being apart
I will not not one day last