It's the most perfect day
Walking along with your memory
It catches the bus
It has learnt all about trigonometry
Of course i wonder what you're up to
Love the occasional coversation it's true
But you don't know just what you've done
You never even needed to use a gun
The you i've got will stay with me
While the you she's got can't be free

When I walk down the street and a man calls me 'Sweet ****'
With his wedding ring clad hand resting on the rolled down window of his SUV
I am supposed to like it
Fat girls should be grateful someone wants them, after all
Women should be grateful for the attention of strangers
Women are taught to be sponges
Domestic and silent and absorbing the words of men around them
If a woman talks 30 percent of the time
A man will feel like she is dominating the coversation
A man calling a woman 'baby' on a street corner is a compliment
But a teenage girl saying a celebrity has nice eyes is fetishizing
Men are taught that they are the default mode
While women are taught to make room
Men sit with their legs spread and elbows out on subway trains
Women tuck their ankles together and rest their hands in their laps
The great crime of patriarchy though
Isn't the way it affects how men feel about women
But how women feel about women
Like every great dystopian novel on the planet
We are taught to hate ourselves and hate each other
Because that will keep us distracted from the real problem
The richest woman in the world  makes one sixth what the richest man makes
Girls are still afraid to speak up in classrooms from first grade to PHDs
No one listens when we start talking
So we start screaming
And everyone just tells up to shut up
And stop being so **** sensitive

'be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harsh battle'

David Wakeman, 20, thin, pale and dark haired. He has no particular style and doesn't look like he could really fit in with any group of people in particular, but at the same time, wouldn't look too suspicious with among a group. A constant look of desperation plagues his eyes. He looks as though his face would appear in the news in a few months for shooting up a school or blowing up a public building.

david is shown driving down a stretch of road, snow covered everywhere, crazy eyed

Some people are meant to be alone in this life, and I am one of those people. I no longer wish to pretend otherwise. I now know what has to be done.

The sounds of ******* haunt the hallways outside of the tacky, run down hostel where they both lay. She is lying on the edge of the bed.
The sheets are creased. There are cracks on the wall.
But for 3 euros a night, you can't complain.
She lies there, still; staring blankly at the ceiling. Her short robotic breaths are the only life seen.
He eagerly moves close to her, but for the life of him, cannot touch her. His unsure attempts at moving his arm over her are prevented by a sudden urge to break into tears.
Finally, his hand places itself over hers.
She is cold.
"Did anything change?" he says, afraid of the answer.
There is a pause. It might've been a few seconds or half an hour.
"No." Speaking so quietly, barely audible to him.
He is about to say something, but he catches the micro-expression that followed her reply.
A sigh.
He becomes impatient,
"Then kiss me." he blurts out, clumsily.
It sounded better in his head.
A deep exhale and an almost exaggerated look of contempt washes over her tired face. She puts her hand to her face, failing to cover up her outburst of honesty, pretending to clean out something from her spotless, green eyes.
She quickly moves her face closer to his, with her eyes closed, and she puckers her lips in such a way that suggests she'd rather be dead.
His eyes are open, and now he is the one who is lifeless.
"What?" She says, breaking the awkward seconds of silence.

Silent seconds are followed by silent minutes, and now they are sitting up on the head of the bed, watching the old, fat TV that hangs from the filthy wall. Something is  playing but he can't understand the language.
'Pedifilios' is the only word that seems familiar.
She is smoking another cigarette.
The faint sounds of her mouth blowing out the smoke, are telling him all he needs to know.
She loves her ******* cigarettes, he thinks to himself.
She grabs the worn out ashtray that sits on the side of the bed, and goes to put it out.
"Here, let me get that" he says, gentlemenly, and snatches her  it out of her hand, then puts it out into the back of his other hand.
The pain doesn't make him feel any more alive.
" There you go," the cigarrettes crumbles into ashes over his hand and he pushes the ashes into the ash tray, then looks at her.
Her expression is a weird mix of diisgust and fear.

Minutes turn back into seconds and the sound of her footsteps are the last thing he hears from her, just before the slamming of the door.

Chapter 2:

Two bloodshot eyes scan the aisles and shelves, looking for the gluten free bread. It wasn't in the bread aisle.
Who the hell buys gluten free bread?
He contemplates appraoching one of his coworkers and asking her if she knows, but she is far too pretty for him to talk to.
Besides, he's been here 4 weeks now and wants to make it seem like he actually has a clue about what he's doing.
Afterall, he had already convinced his then potential manager,Chris,  that being a 'personal shopper' was in fact his dream job, and that this very supermarket was his dream place to work.
He always was a good liar.
He's so good because for a little while he manages to convince himself.
'Working hard David?"
****.
with Chris you could never tell if he was ******* or beingplayful.
"Always!" David shouts back, then picking a random item off the shelf and placing it into the basket, then nodding at Chris with a look of false sincerity.

(David is shown sitting in the living room, the light emenating from the TV appears to hurt his eyes, and he is slumped back on the coach, clearly worn out. he is flicking through late night informercials, on the coffee table in front of him there are numerous energy drinks seen empty.)
Davids thoughts: The living room is where I come to when I cant sleep. It's more of a dying room, really.

(David continues to flick through channels before stopping for a second on a ****** phone-in show (like babestation). He flicks back through the channels again)

(The scene cuts to a few hours later, with daylight seeping through the curtains and David sat in essentially the same position except he has fallen asleep, with remote still in hand. It's time for work)

watch alarm rings.....

'You coming out with the lads on friday dave?
He always wondered why people tried to talk to him in the middle of the set.
He places the barbel down onto the rack.
'With who?'' He asks,
"Me, sam, jack, carl and"
"and?"
"and Bill. Yeah. bill"
David's face changes as if suddenly remembering something
"Oh, did you say friday? I cant make it. I'm doing a thing with..."
With?
"with the family"
His friend looks as if he was expecting this anwer,
"no worries lad."

"qeue sad music"
David sits in his room, and is looking for something.
Upon rummaging through his things he pulls out a drawing, it's of a girl, he looks at it and a short shot of the girl from the beginning of the movie is shown, then it cuts back to him, stressed looking, and he shove the drawing into a red travel case that sits under the bed, as though he can't stand to see it but at the same time doesn't want to get rid of it. The case still has its travel ticket on.
He pulls a notebook from under some wires in his drawer, and begins to write.

'poem read accompanied by scenes of davids life'
'poem is interrupted by a knock on the door.

-dave is approached by someone in the gym telling him he has a great body, and that people would pay to see it. looks into 'gay4pay' and ends up actually going on a site and doing a cam show before aborting the whole thing-

scene with mum sat with the missionairies 'mum we need to talk' mum seems uncaring and cold, later on they talk
'Whats the probem dave? do you need money'
'No mum, it's just that'
'if youre struggling for cash just tell me, you can always take out a loan and-'
'No. mum. its not about money'
'then what is it?'
As David began to speak, his vocal chords failed him. He was walking into a 20 year old wall that he just couldnt get over.
'It's just that..'
'Yes?'
'I'm not happy. Mum.'
'Oh, well we all feel that way sometimes son' brushing it off in her famous way.
'No, this is different. I'm really depressed. Well, it's'
Depression wasn't the right word, he thought. Depression was an overused and futile term, it had become synonymous with sadness, and this wasn't just sadness; he had felt sadness many times, and this certainly wasnt that.
'it's?' she says, interrupting his inner verbiage.
He looks at her, knowing full well that this entire conversation has meant nothing.
'Look Dave,' she starts again with her 'mother' act, 'if you think that youre responsible for the divorce, just know that it was always going to happen anyway. It was just a matter of oppurtunity.'
What the **** is she talking about?
'Your dad and I never really had a-'
'No,' he says, cutting her off before she has a chance to justify the divorce again.
He was sick of the endless reasons and justifications.
'It's not about that.'
'well, what else could it be about?'
Because the whole world revolves around her and her divorce.
'Nevermind, it's nothing, really.'
She smiles, happy she doesn't have to act like she cares anymore.
'We all feel like that sometimes, like you say.'

He was starting to think that maybe he needed to see a therapist. Until this point he had always been confident in his own abilkity to reflect, introspect, and deal with his own issues himself, and he had alwas been skeptical of people who st in chairs and tried to prescribe you things; but this was beginning to be too much for him to handle. He felt he needed to be eevalutated, that he was losing his grip of his own life.
scene with therapist, coldly looking at her papers, davids desperate face searches for answers in her countenance.
'Right, Mr. wakeman.'
Hope. There is hope.
'I have you down for a prescription of 50mg of lithium, 250mg of benzedrin every week. I'll see you back here on thursday and we'll discuess your', she stops to see his face totally destroyed
'to discuss your.. issues'
David walks home like the scene of travis walking to see betsy at the theatre, something in his face just says that he knows that this story isnt going to end well. and that terrible things are on the way.

'Drugs, drugs, drugs,' david writes, 'theres a drug for everything in this world. drugs to make you numb, drugs to make you dumb, and ones which make you love everyone and see leprochauns and jellyfish driving cars, though those are the illegal ones.'

'Dave ya sisters here!' says his mum.

Scene where dave meets his sister and has coversation, on her way out,
she pulls out a red napkin and holds it like they do in bull fights, david looks slightly confused and smiles, she says 'dont be the bull!'

scene cuts to dave watching a bull fight on tv, where the bull kills the humans. david laughs to himself as the bull chaes people away. he is eating peanut butter on its own. Daves mum walks in abruptly and he switches it off.

(divorce is mentioned and the fact that dave caused it is mentioned)

dave trries to approach a girl in his work but it i awkward aand he gets rejected the same way he he rejected going out with his friends 'im doing something witht he family'.

dave comes home and there are arguments or something, so he punches a collage of family photos.

scene cuts t dave in hospital being told the cast  will come off in  4 weeks.
scene where david is trying to do everyday things with one hand, accompanied by happy music, contrasting the despair of the scene.

(An exact copy of the earlier scene is shown where david is up late flicking through late night tv channels, except now he is using only one hand with the remote. David finds himself at the eroitc call in show again, but this time instead of changing the station, he notices the number written in big, pink letters, and the woman manning the phone is obviously not in a call. Davids vision darts from the tv to his mobile phone that sits on the coffee table, he doesnt hestitate too grab the phone. The look on his face shows he is somewhat bracing himself. David dials the number unusually fast, without having to look back at the screen. The phone is being connected)

pre recorded phone message: Hey there naughty boys, you've reached TEASEYTALK phone love station, the sauciest ******* line in thebusiness. Press 1 if you'd li-

(David presses a number without hearing the rest of the message, suggesting he has heard the options before. Davids eyes are fixated on the bored-looking woman on the screen, until she picks up the phone that shes been using as a mock-***** till now, and answers)

Woman on TV: Urite babe? How can I  be of service?

(She speaks in a strong mancunian accent, and provocatively looks into the camera and moves sensually. All the while David looks back, with an expression of almost disgust.)

Woman: Dont be shy love!

David: Sorry. I'm not really a people person

Woman: haha thats alright darling, feel free to just watch me if ya like

(she turns to her side, showing the front of her body to the camera, she rubs her hand over the thin lingerie covering her *****)

David: Do you not feel a bit weird knowing guys are waatching you like this.

Woman: it just turns me on more babycakes

(she maintains her playful act but appears just slightly agitated)

David: I think you're lying.

(again, she starts to rub her hand over her **** and tries to look playful, but is now clearly agitated)

David: I don't think you like this at all.I don't think you wanted this for yourself.

(she snaps quickly and becomes more aggressive in her act, trying to hide her obvious agitation)

woman: I ****** love it babe. If you could feel how wet i was right now I could prove it to ya

Men: do you have a boyfriend?

(she pauses for a second, shocked and unable to hide her uncomfortable feeling. She stalls and grabs a purple heart shaped pillow and changes position. She assumes another playful position but looks bothered in her eyes)

David: how does he feel about this?

(her movements now hault and she looks at the camera with a sad glare(

David: does he even know?

(she bows her head for a moment, before running her hand through her hair, and looking back at the camera with that playful smile again)

woman: do you have a girlfriend?

(she says smugly, making it appear as if she has said some provacative)

camera pans into davids face, his look of slight disgust has eased into one of sad reflection. for a split second, a scene of the girl from the beginning of the movie appears, the scene is light, contrasting the darkness of the room, then the shot of david continues

(davids long silence has create an awkward look from the woman on the TV, she has stopped the provacative movements and briefly gestures to someone off camera. the scene cuts back to david with the phone put down, then it cuts to a shot from the same angle, except its obviously daytime as the light is seeping trhough the curtains and davids watch alarm is ringing again, however unlike before he is wide awake)

Scene where david takes off shirt in the bathroom, revealing his arms, chest, etc, covered in cut marks like tiny cat scratches.

dave gets skinner throughout the movie, the gay4pay scene stops him from working out. contrast scene with self harm marks with the earlier scene he is more athletic and healthier  looking. pants fall off

this s were dave develops the bad thoughts about killing people and ridding the world of bad people. ' i always wanted to make the world a better place'

throughout the movie dave asks his mum if any package has come for him, and that he expects a package.

the underlying theme is waiting for things to come and being patient, and that you dont know whats around the corner. that you know life will  be better but you grow impatient, and its only when you forget about wanting things to change, that it does.

in the movie he either does **** people or he has fantasies about doing it but something stops him (a girl?)

before doing whhatever he feels he needs to, he has a ritualistic session of burning the contents of the travel case, including the travel ticket, a postcard from porto, some drawings, and a carboard cutout of a leopard.) he gives the travel case to a charity shop, a long with all the clothes he has worn in the story up to this final scene, where he is weaing guirella warfare type attire. he puts facepaint on(?) and dumps all his anti depressants

at the end of the movie, when he has forgotten about the package, i arrives, and he opens it, not showing its contents, the camera zooms into the words 'handle with care'
OR
he has done his deed and killed whoever (*******) and now his package has come and it says 'handle with care'. it either sits at the front door or is thrown into some postal van, the irony being i tis not handled with care.

Say something, your too shy
Say something, its the only way to get by
Just talk and nothing bad will come
I'll talk to them when I see the next sun
You wont have friends and no one will know you
You won't be noticed or important, too
Just make coversation like everyone else
You can't keep to yourself
Why can't you just be normal
Why does everything seem so formal
So just say hello
Or you they'll never know
They may think you strange if you don't speak
You'll be a freak
But I can't do it and I can't try
I can't do it, my, oh my

It would happen alot in the beginning of fall. When the season started to change. You could feel the fall slowly killing the summer.

Our grandparents would start to come late at night. It was always on random days. I guess it would happen 2 to 4 times a month. Either my Grandpa and dad left or my Grandma and mom would leave. Either pair would be gone till late late at night.

One night however all four had to go and they could not leave us behind. We got into the car and drove and drove.. I could remember following a group of cars down a would be road to what seem to be nowhere.. But then we drove up onto an old house with half the roof intact.. There were alot of other cars here and we could see some of our cousins also.

Like us our cousins were in the car waiting also. A huge group of adults huddled together and then the men and woman went off into 2 groups.. I rolled down the window and heard some conversation..

" WE WILL HAVE TO CORNER THIS ONE! IT WILL TAKE ALL OF US! REMEMBER DO NOT LET IT START A COVERSATION WITH YOU.. IGNORE THE WHISTLES! AND DO NOT LOOK AT IT STRAIGHT IN THE EYES!!

My dad lead the group in and it all started! My brother and I heard the whistles first.. It was beautiful yet horrible.. We heard the men chasing it through the house.. We heard them fighting whatever was in there..

All the women Formed 2 lines outside that lead into a circle.. They were all holding torches.. My Grandpa then came out of the house and said "WE GOT IT!" The men had something trapped in a huge cotton cloth bag and were dragging it toward the circle of women.. My mom and grandma were part of that circle..

Whatever was in there was screaming in different voices all at once.. I rolled up the windows but could still hear it. Then the whistles came again.. More beautiful than ever, More horrible than before! The women then torched the creature and the sounds were unbearable.. The last thing I saw of the creature were 2 huge white wings that were left over burning! One of the men carried it around while it burned!

We came back home afterwards and our parents put us to sleep as if nothing ever happened.

Puzzled by your too sudden disappearance,
I sat in your dim little room
trying to put the pieces together.
Sifting through the past week
trying to find something strange
you had said.
I kept coming up blank.
After sifting though each conversation twice
I dug deeper into the past.
My memory never did let me down.
Deeper.
Deeper
I kept digging and sifting through
the past 3 weeks of conversations.
Then after sitting for hours
on your made-up bed
it hit me.
In each little coversation
of the weeks,
there was a different flicker in your eye.
A change in your voices tone
and a shift in your body language.
You'd been building up to this.
You had planned it
and I didn't realise.
I should've known.

I then noticed your bed was made
and you never made it
unless you weren't coming back...

You
were in the headlines
of every local newspaper
and on the lips
of every local
evening newsman
just the very next day.

Missing teen found dead at the bottom of a cliff.
Family and friends swamped the lookout earlier today.

They say you fell...
But I know you jumped.

im a truckin man.  my truck is home to me
rolling down the highway rolling wild and free
peddle to metal fast as i can go
with my great big wheels churning up the snow

talking on my cb to the truck in front of me
good buddy coversation to keep me company
radio is playing my favourite country song
tapping on the dashboard as i sing along

looking at my photos in the dashboard light
and the trucks ahead lighting up the night
pull into a truck stop grab a bite to eat
stay there for a while to ease my aching feet.

carry on again.  once more on the roll.
feeling all the freedom in my trucking soul
listen to the sound of good old country song
to the country beat as i sing along.

im a truckin man.  my truck is home to me
rolling down the highway rolling wild and free
talking on my cb to the truck in front of me
good buddy coversation to keep me company

A roar broke the silent dissidence of head shaking in a coversation
   about America that I was in.
This voice railed against the country whose pride ran deep in her blood.
And with this voice, I agree.

But it did cause concern when she lumped the red, the white, the black
    and the blue in with the rusty freighters and rolling hills that I've come
        to love.
And the concern brought forth lessons from my own teaching.
Stories of 15th century frontiersman tramping around the great
    wilderness, with nought even a flag to their name, for they had
        rejected even that.
And memories of bloodline relatives that fought for the type of
     independence that the declaration wasn't offering.
An independence from having unknown men, armed with bibles,
    translated to the 19th power, telling them what's "right" and "just".

Now here we are today, lying in a grave that is no longer fresh whose
    tombstone reads: Democracy.
All because we have not yet understood that a flag is not a country,
    but rather a symbol of control.

And a country!
Now there lies something to love.

And it's easiest to love in the labored breathing of a mountain top view,
   or in a toast from the top of a water tower overlooking the Mississippi.
It can be seen in the wave of a conductor as he pulls out of the yard.
Or heard in the hissing of his wheels when you have the moment of
    realization that, "Yes! Those trains are actually going somewhere!"

It can be grasped in the handshake of a homeless man, who is not
   unlike your forefathers.
A cast away, tramping about the wilderness with not even a flag or
    a prayer, but two hands that are ready to work for change.

I want nothing that matters
I’ve got nothing to hide
I want something that matters
I want you by my side

I wish I was stronger than you are
I wish I could push through all of this on my own
I wish that the longer you wish for something
The more you get to call it your own

And all my dreams are like faded photographs
Once experienced now I can only look back
And I have no recollection of what I was doing
So when you show it to me I’ll pretend it was nothing

I miss you more than I thought I would
Papa brings in the firewood
It won’t snow tonight or tomorrow
But I want to end this year without any sorrow

I wish I knew where you are tonight
With someone who’s better than me
You think she’s going to hold you just as tight
But she’ll break your heart more when she leaves

You can come to my front door if you bring celebration and light
I don’t want darkness or hell
I’ve got enough of that myself
So you can leave that all behind

And throw your worries over your shoulder like a bag
Hang your responsibilities on the coat rack
Pretend for just a night you don’t have them
Then leave them here so you have a reason to come back

My piano misses your fingers,
My veins miss your blood.
My fog doesn’t know where it lingers
I guess it’s just as lost as all of us

Can you remember these things to me
I’m in these photos but I have no memory
It’s like looking at a life from years ago
Back in ancient Egypt or maybe Rome

I collect stars just for you tonight
We used to pretend fireworks were bombs
We ran from them, in a sick game
I was frightened and a little bit wrong

And I hang the rhymes out to dry on the line
And looked at them from all angles and behind
You told me red was your favorite shade of wine
But I never knew why you were so blue all the time

Pasting things to my lips in an effort to seal them
It’s been years and my mind is reeling
I can’t believe I used to think that was who I was
Well I do now, but that’s because

Fire can only burn for so long,
So Papa put on another log
And stray from me while it sizzles and cracks
I locked the doors and windows this time
I know you won’t be coming back

This year I want to make a vow
To never fall out with anyone again
Because I cannot see the ground
Or anywhere I’m going to land

You can be something I dream about
Then forget in the morning blues
Before my head leaves my pillow
Ten times I thought of you

And I don’t want to be anything more than what I am with you
Where do I stand?
And I don’t want to decieve myself but all the lies you’ve got are true
And I paint them on my hand

I am unusual sometimes
More than I am complete
I don’t need anyone else to climb
The highest mountains and the tallest trees

I learned to be myself with you
Now I have to learn that without
It shouldn’t be easy to do
But I’ve got to try and start

I know who I am, alright
And you never had a part
You didn’t do anything for my night
And you didn’t owe favors to my heart

I picked some things to stuff in a corner
Of my mind, I should’ve hid them well
Because I swear you can see them if you look closer
Into my eyes when I smile

I want your grey and I want your bright
I want your day and I want your night
Take them all and tuck them inside
Let no one see what lies behind

But you can’t come telling me it meant nothing at all
It meant something to my mind, to my heart, I recall
And something to my father who didn’t think I was listening
And something to my mother who told me I was glistening

Now I cannot say that I would go seeking you out
After all I’ve done to avoid coversation
But if you tapped on my window and shout
I wouldn’t draw the curtains

And you can’t say you wouldn’t do the same
If I was in trouble and needed a hand
If you heard me at night calling your name
I know you would answer and help me to stand

Sitting by the window
I can see the multitudes pass by
Some stand out with the way they glow
I wonder how they got this way when I just want to die

People in the room get called by name
I just sit and continue to watch outside
They walk as if they have no shame
I wonder when all I've done is cried

An elderly lady comes and sits by me
I turn my head to discourage coversation
It doesn't work. She's one of the merry
I hold my tongue and pretend not to listen.

She begins by saying, "What they have; you can have to."
What does she think I want?
"There's someone waiting just for you."
C'mon lady you're just another nut.

"He's knocking at your door. Will you let Him in?"
I turn around to answer her.
She's gone. I feel a stirring from within.
I wonder who could possibly knocking at my door?

At home, I sit alone on the couch.
A tap tap tap at the door.
I go to see who's there with the demeaner of a grouch.
I go to open the door.

The most beautiful being I've ever seen.
"Who are you?" I say.
He replies "I've been waiting for you to let me in."
I wonder, could this be? No way!

Please come in, come and stay with me.
It's You that i've been missing.
Lord please forgive me.
I did not realize what I had been doing

"I forgive you dear child your sins have been forgotten."

....to be continued

~S.M.S

if animals could talk i wonder what they would say
would they say hello or would they just say hey
would they use  a phone to get in touch with you
these are just some things that animals might do

would they hold a coversation while going for walk
what would be the subject they would to use to talk
would it be about the weather or the wind that blows
what animals would talk about no one really knows