"Oh, yes. That hurt.
That hurt like a thousand slaps from a
Thousand teachers each. Like

Dragon claws dripping with bile and
Venom into male ego exposed. Ego
And pride and the nature of the bottles

Of labelled **** that you threw back,
Chickening out on cold, hard reality.
Once again.

Friends and lovers lost, some long,
Some not. All gone with the wine. You
Could have written volumes by now.

Recorded legendary albums, created
Art like few others.
Yet, every millidrop of your

Blood screams for someone, or
Something rather, to take you
Away from all that's everyday.

Be it even war." Well,
I want peace, now.
Battleworn and

Empty from facing all the same
Demons. Chainmail shredded,
Body worn on the inside from

Aqua Vitae and ale.
It hurts. It hurts like a thousand
Freshly sharpened pencils carving

Into the exposed areas of my love
For bad nostalgic habits and
Days after days with drink, laughter

And inhaling
The air of temporary excitement,
Picking at scabs and naming myself

Surgeon, letting the hearts of others
Pick up my tab when one of us
Inevetably leaves;  

Those freshly sharpened pencils
Carving mantras to keep me alive
And wake me the Hell up, like:

"The people I
Need do not
Need me like

This," and
*"I have
Pride."

IOC.




My initial reaction

is chemical,

comical

satisfied.




funny?

I think it has to be,

a compound that

fractures and has

me

in stitches.




I sew these thoughts into a square

and watch as they wriggle to get out




if there

is anything I learned as a kid

it's how to get rid of such bothersome

things




my initial reaction




the Olympic construction

Vesuvius

erupting




drugs are corrupting.




I'm going for tea.

my insecurity exploded like the sounds from the speakers we set up together
i wandered out the back door into the bitter cold
still wearing your red plaid button-up over my dress
the snow was coming down in flurries when you ambled outside after me
"there you are, i was looking for you"
please don't notice the tears freezing on my cheeks
you stepped up onto the concrete slab i was calling my home
"hey," you looked at my face "are you alright?"
****.
just tell him you're feeling faint. he'll believe it
"aw. i'm sorry."
you are so clueless. you never know i looked up at the sky and the snow fell onto my lips and melted instantaneously
"well," your arm weaved its way around my waist "would you like to go back inside?"
of course i do. i know how much this means to you and i cannot take it from you
i nodded and you hopped down, offering up your hand to help me down
then lacing your fingers with mine
your eyes shine brighter than you'll ever know
when you are so much as in a room with music that you love
i held your hand and leaned on your shoulder as we swayed together to the rhythm
you placed your lips against my hair and i swear that everyone else disappeared
i could have died in that very moment because ******
i have let myself fall in love with you
around 10:30 you set up your bass
a lonely speaker and your newly written lyrics
three people around you, and i, over in the corner on the couch
staring at you and knowing that if any of the others were to look up at me
they could see all the simple adoration pouring out of me
afterwords you told them about the story behind the song
the boy you wrote about and i wonder if any of them could tell
that the boy is actually you
because i knew before you even told me
as we left, finally
close to 10:45 when i expected to be home by then
you drove me across the street to where i was parked and i told you
i feel like a nothing
i love you with every piece of me yet sometimes you leave me in the shadows
and i know it's ******* pathetic but it's how i feel
"oh," you said my name, a beautiful noise in your breathtaking voice "you are everything"
everything? EVERYTHING?? how the hell could i be everything, even when you are that to me?
your head on my shoulder "you are my best friend. you are more than you could ever know"
it's the same for you. because you will never see how much i truly love you
"in the past few months, i have felt like ending it. more than once"
no.
"i just... i very much wanted to die."
no no no. holy hell, no
"and i would go to sleep on those nights... after, you know, chickening out"
and thank every god in every religious philosophy you woke up and came back to me
"then i'd wake up in the morning, come to school... and see you"
i am so glad you did. god. i couldn't do this without you. and i hope you know that
"and i would tell myself: 'hey. there is one reason to stay" you paused, and i was crying already. "for her.'"
oh god. oh god. oh god.
"so in many ways you have saved me. and you keep doing that. you never give up me even though you probably should. even though mostly everyone else has."
don't you get it? i would never give up on you. because there is no way i would be alive without you
and without you there is no me
"promise me something." your arm was around my shoulders and i was leaning into your chest, staining your t-shirt with eyeliner-soaked tears.
anything
"if i do end up..." you stopped. "you know, if i'm gone, i need you to keep going. continue, for both you and i."
you are the stupidest most wonderful person i have ever encountered in my entire life
i screamed at you, tears like a waterfall, streaking my face black
and you stared into my eyes, you brave soul
never would i be able to go on without you! never!
you are my lifeline
"and you are mine"
don't you dare leave me
you closed your eyes and nodded. "okay" you said, on the verge of crying yourself
i grabbed either side of your face and brought you closer to me
kissed your forehead and wrapped my convulsing arms around you
you can never leave me. i won't allow it
"see?"
see what? see that you're stupid because you don't comprehend your magnificence? see that you are clueless because you do not understand that at least someone in this world is hopelessly devoted to you?
"you are everything."
*no. you are.

So guess what I feel **** again,
Because against my anxiety I just can’t win,
All I needed to say was thank you,
But for some reason I just couldn’t do,
Don’t get me wrong I was grateful,
But it wouldn’t come out and now I feel so hateful,
They treat me so nice and buy me dinner,
I couldn’t say thanks I feel like such a sinner,
When I try to speak up,
All my demons won’t shut up,
So yes I chickened out again,
It would be easier to do with a pen,
Don’t be surprised this is nothing new,
Chickening out is usually what I do,
Every time I feel so bad,
And the memories make me sad,
I know it makes absolutely no sense,
That something so simple makes me all tense,
What must they think of me?
So ungrateful I must seem to be,
I wish it would just come out,
Because now it’s all I think about,
I know in my head that it would’ve been fine,
If I had just said thanks for letting me dine,
But I just couldn’t quench the fear,
The fear of nothing it would appear,
I’m just too scared to use my voice,
Even though I know it’s the wrong choice,
So congratulations anxiety to you,
You beat me again like you always do.

You say they're killing, they're drilling,
they're willing to steal it,
they're ******, they're blanking,
they're laughing, they're faking,
they're making a fool out of you and of me.

Are you saint then? You say that the satan has changed them
and you cast them with stones and you break their bones,
for they are digging graves, and they smile, laugh and they
when they're burying them alive and listening to their cry,
as it turns into howl and then turns into silence
and when the job is done, they're spitting on heir graves.
But you, are you saint then? Are you better than them,
would you be the one who would say no when asked
to say yes?

Would you hold your head high and be happy to die
for the truth and the freedom and justice?

Are you saint then? Why now
you won't blame anyone? Taking back what you've said,
chickening out.

At lunchtime pigeons and pinstripes dance with Rockette syncopation in front of Radio City
following the lead of thirty balloons encased
in vinyl tugged down the 50th Street station.

A chauffeured limousine pops out
a freshly groomed and leashed Pomeranian
seeking reunion with her dowager owner
getting purple locks and cuticles nearby.

At the columned entrance of Manhattan Bridge
two lovers kiss at the Canal Street stoplight
while a Vespa owner stops near the pedestrian
walk to hitch the love of his life in full stride.

Black children in bowlers and their Sunday finest
share a car in the Connie Island Cyclone
with Hasidic eyngls from Avenue J
carefully protecting their yarmulkes.

In the South Bronx the children of 136th Street
practice belly flops on an abandoned mattress
before chickening out on the adjacent kiddie pool
decorated with aqua waves, clown fish and mermaids.

The Monday field trip will transport ten
young Harlem poets to the Schomburg Library
to eulogize when Maya Angelou and Amiri Baraka
danced a jig on the ashes of Langston Hughes.

One will write a Christmas story about the time
Richard the reindeer took the Roosevelt Island
tram to bring  presents to the orphans
after Santa’s sled had fallen apart.

I awoke, but not as usual, I opened my eyes, but I wasn't facing my bedroom wall, I wasn't under the comfort of my blankets, I was not on my bed. I was laying on my bedroom floor; I was restless. I must've slept all night long, but my body didn't feel like it had any fresh energy, I could feel an intense pain in my stomach, as if someone had poured acid down my throat. I sat up, I was wearing only my underwear, like usual; but I had blood all over my chest. I looked to my left, and on the floor sat the bottle of pills I hid behind my computer, completely empty.
I heard knocks on the door, it was my mom's voice telling me it was past 12, when was I going to get up. She'd walk in and see me covered like this, she'd think something's wrong with me, she would finally want to take me to a psychologist. But I couldn't let her see me like this, I forced my body up against my aching stomach, "I'm awake", I yelled, but she kept on knocking, I could hear her getting the spare key from under the rug, she began unlocking the door. I had to do something before she saw me, I reached for the dead bolt knowing she didn't have a key for that one, but it was too late, she walked in.
"I can explain" I said, I began talking but her eyes never stopped to meet mine, she stared directly at the empty bottle of pills on the floor; the floor, was covered in blood. She screamed when she realized my bed was empty, music played from my phone, -I hadn't heard it until this moment-, almost as a perfect background. I kept talking to her but she wouldn't hear me, "Mom I'm sorry, please stop ignoring me", but she wouldn't even look at me, she opened my closet door, and stared at something I couldn't see, she fell to her knees and began wailing. I walked towards my closet and found, myself.
"But how?" I yelled, I'm right here, I could see my body, covered in blood, I laid there with a tie around my neck, my mouth covered in saliva; "Momma I'm right here momma!!!".
But she never turned around, I tried hugging her, but my arms just ran through her. I couldn't even remember what made me do it, I was sad, but I didn't know why. I had tried it before, but I would always end up chickening out, what must've been hurtful enough to make me do it; why would I do it! She began calling 911... she just sat there, -it felt as if time stopped for me-. The ambulance arrived, I tried telling the paramedics I was right here: Maybe they could hear me, maybe someone would tell me this was just a prank, maybe I'd wake up staring at my bedroom wall; but no matter how many times I closed and open my eyes, it was still the same sad scene.
They picked the body up and put it on a stretcher, the medic checked for vitals, but he just stared at my mother's eyes, "I'm sorry", he said. They walked out of my room, and my mom followed them holding... holding MY hand, I couldn't deny it any longer, the person going into that ambulance was me. I screamed and I hollered, but they never returned, "I did it", I thought. I stood there all alone, crying. Suddenly a dark figure stood on the doorway, she raised her long thin fingers, extending her bony palm towards me; I held it,
I was no longer.

Come on chavs
come stop me, stop me quick
I'm so hot...I'm smoking, stop me now
or I'll set your women on fire

indulgent dummies decide
we are going to degrade execellence
we don't like confident people
we hate the strong and secured self assured types
after-all we should all be equal,
its unfair that man has a big **** and intelligent to boot
we must gang up and tear him down
drain his confidence
make him feel weak, insecure, frightened and *******
that's what we cowardly bully do

In your limping dreams, you half baked potatoes
like it my fault you are too stupid to develop and grow
to make use of opportunities, instead of chickening out
and blaming others'oh its because my dad is a dustman'
its because I didn't go to the right school
Its because my leg fell off...*******
you're a bunch of indulgent, weak, efforts adverse spoilt cowards
you don't make the efforts, you can never put yourself out
or make sacrifices or withstand just a bit of pressure

I married one of youse
she thinks I'm too hard because I push her to achieve
to strive, be strong, stop being a ******* snowflake
look at the Indian shopkeeper who opens from 7a.m. till 11 p.m.
when he drives a Roller, you dimwits gets envious
I don't see you busting anything to reach heights
then you think dweeps like you can gang up and turn me into
a brainless weak shallow, dumb, indulgent, nonsense's like you
we are planting seeds of doubts in his mind, yea *** I'm a dope
*** I'm a dumb toe-rags like you
like some immature toddy fool sitting before a PC writing ****
I see you, I laugh at you, you are nothing but pathetic weaklings
Thieving, joyless, weak, underhand backstabbers
Arrogant, lying, false, fake, *****=playing charlatans