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Me Nose knows da way she goes.
Da smells herb throws,
me Nose just knows.

Da smell kush gives.
Da way me lives.
Me Nose just knows.

'avin a ****
with a **** lovin' bloke.
enjoyin' da incense.
But me losing da essence.
Me Nose knows, but me eyes don't.

Me **** lovin' bloke,
who me was 'bout to ****,
was not a gurl,
just a lyin' shmuck.

He was not a chick
'cause he had a ****.
Me eyes now know
what me Nose knows.
By Herb I Mean Kush
Me be 'avin a good time enjoyin' me boombastic trailer park home.
Den a tornado of Reggae come rollin' down da road.
Reggae Kids with a Reggae attitude.
Hooligans with a passion. My passion.
Reggae

Da flurry of rastafarianism be tearin' up the houses.
Destroyin' mailboxes as dey 'proach me home.
Den, like lightnin' they be in front of me.

We like you, Reggae Reggie
They say
But we be as poor as a washed up Island Boy
I fear for my safety
So we gonna have to rob you

Me pull out a gun n shoot the kids.
****'n chumps tink dey can rob me.
No way Jose.

*******, bad boys

Life went on.
This really happened to me this mornin'
Tina ford Feb 2014
This contains swearwords!!!!


Do you know what it’s like to be on the dole?
The giro, the social, the rock and roll,
Well I’m tellin you now, that it’s no laff,
No heat or food, round at my gaff,

I can’t pay the bills on fifty three quid,
This is how I live; I’m tellin ye kid,
No Lecky, or water, or comfy bed,
Nowhere to lay my educated head,

You’s think I’m brewsted on state benefit,
Well I’m tellin ye now, life is ****,
No jobs are goin in my town,
This whole ****** country is goin down,

I look every day for a job to do,
Over qualified under qualified, scew you,
I’d brush your path, deliver your dinner,
My options for work get thinner and thinner,

But we get the blame for the country’s debt,
And seen in your eyes as a useless get,
We are not scroungers and living like kings,
We can’t afford the simple things,

We can’t take our kids to Blackpool pier,
Or to the fair, it’s just too dear,
It’s not our fault the system let us down,
Schooling was crap, but I got a cap and gown,

So don’t look at me, like I’m ****,
I’ve bettered meself to get out of this pit,
I’m clever and proud and I stand tall,
I make something out of nothing, coz I’ve got **** all,

You won’t tread us down, yeah that’s right,
We got fire in our bellies and where ready to fight,
We’re not greedy for a fancy lifestyle.
The simple things make us smile,

So quit avin a go, at our worlds apart,
I’m scouse and proud, with a lions heart,
So live well in your mansion, apartment, or detached,
Coz were the generation that Maggie hatched,

Yeah that’s right were Maggie’s crew,
The under privileged, not like you,
Time to step up the Cameron’s and Clegg’s,
Coz you’ve sat long enough on Thatcher’s eggs.

Tina Ford
Matthew James Jan 2017
We're stood on a blacked out highway going to who knows where. A floodlight shines on a group of workmen in road, slow. A passive aggressive sign says "Slow, My Daddy works in here". Gaz, Frank and Jim are gathered under the floodlight.

"That ****** lads dad never worked ere! That's bosses lad!"

"Mmmm..."

"Anyway, what's this hole for do you reckon? Gas? Telephone? Electric? Dead bodies? Haha!"

"Hope not"

"Hopeless more like! Why ARE we digging it anyway?"

"We? I'm digging! You're just talking ****!"

"******* Frank! What about owd Jim over there? Old ****** never does owt!"

"Grunt"

"Leave Jim alone! He's seen it all and done it all a million times! Poor guy must be knackered! If I still have to work at his age I'll ope you young uns gi mi some ****** respect!"

"Respect?! *******! Who's getting respect ere?! Not me! I'm in the middle of nowhere at night digging an ole in a highway for god knows what reason!"

"Look, Gaz, 'oles need to be dug. It's not our job to fill em. We just dig em up!"

"Yeah, but don't you wonder why? Like, we seem to be diggin up constantly! Same ****** area of the same ****** highway! Dunt anyone plan it oot so thi can do it all in one go?! Water, cables, all of it?! Its like we're makin work for t sake on it!"

"At least you've got ****** work! There used to be 20 odd of us on this stretch o road. Are you gonna dig or what?"

"Keep yer air on frank! I'll ****** dig, but I'm only doin it for you!"

"Well ****** me! I'm honoured! Shut up n dig will ya?"

Scrape, heave, scrape, heave

Sigh

Scrape, heave, scrape...

"Yer know what else...?"

"Oh, for ***** sake!! What?!?"

"These shovels are ****!"

"You're ****!"

"Nah mate! Look, handles are loose and shovel bit's weak as ****! If you lift too much thi just bend! It's like thi want us to ave to work twice as ard for t same bleeding job!"

"Well there's no worry o that wi you is there?! You lift ****** all!"

"Whatever..."

Heave, scrape, heave, scrape, heave ... crack!!!

"Told you!"

"Shut up smart ****!"

"Don't ya get it though?! We're nowt t them lot! Thi just use us n **** on us! Wi dunt even kno' where this place is do we? We just get a lamp post number and go! Where does this ****** highway go?!"

"Look, I don't give a ****! I just want to dig this 'ole then go ome and watch some TV and maybe get a **** before bed! There's a ****** sign over there anyway..."

Sign reads "He..."
The rest of the sign is broken away, probably hit by a car.

"Jim. Jim?! Jim!! ******* I think Jim's dea..."

"Consarnid!! Thundering eejit!! I int banna be deed, tha ****** loony! I wor banna geet some shuteye! Tha lod banging on abaat ****** why thar ****** shovlin *****?! Carnt tha led an owd bloke sleep?!!!"

"Sorry Jim. Just worried mi for a minute there. Are ta alreet?"

"Nah am nod! I wo avin a reet dree-um befoore tha wakened us! Megan ****** Fox wor sat o mi fay-us!"

In unison - "Hahaha! Tha owd dog Jim!!"

"Sorry Jim, It's Gaz, e's got more questions than a ****** 3 year owd!"

"Shut up ya miserable get!
Why do you reckon we're diggin this ole Jim? You've been doin it a long time."

"Aye... I wor yer wen thi started fixint roo-uds. It wo differnt then. Thi gi'd us reet too-uls n ad t reet ideas. Thi jus wanid us to dig reet. Bud thi dint like us knowin moo-ur than them lod! S thi gid us ****** all n wi started wokin unner leets i t deark. Nah ****** con see us then. Thas askin t rong quetsion lad! Ids nod why aar wi diggin t oil! It's why aar wi doin id int deark?!"

"Why are wi Jim?"

"Because we're expe...."

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!
Thud!!!
Vrooooommm!!!

"Oy!!!! ******!!!!"

"Es dead Frank! What the ****, What the ****, What the ****?!"

"What?!? Jim?!! Did tha get 'is number?"

"What the ****, What the ****, What the ****?!"

"Gaz!!"

"What the ****, What the ****, What the ****?!"

"**** Gaz, yer reet! ****** this **** I'm not diggin any more! I'm off ome!"

"F..f...fr.... FranFrank?"

"What Gaz? That were ****** up Gaz!! Jims dead!"

"B..b....bu... bury J..J..J..Jim"

"Gaz, tha'll ave t do it tharself, I can't dig anymore. Sorry. Im calling t ambulance n goin ome. You should too! Bye Gaz. Good luck."

"B..b....by... bye J..J..J..Jim..."

Scrape, heave, scrape, heave, scrape, heave

Slow. My Daddy works in he...
Not a poem, more of a short story/random meandering thought
Mateuš Conrad Jul 2016
well, ain't that an oklahoma sing-along sounding title; pretentious *** gives me all the jitters.*

the parody of pronouns, Walt Whitman's
and Jack Spicer's collected poetry - both
are always the front-running jokes
with someone else's selected compilation -
the parody of pronouns:
the father the son the holy spirit -
me, myself and i -
philosopher practice the same parody -
deluded ******* think they're kings -
the royal we - the royal we meaning
the entourage included -
the clown juggling both the philosopher
and the king and himself (reflexive compound,
not a reflective compound - oddly enough
the Oxford dictionary has a time period
where new compound nouns are in
purgatory of hyphen usage, before
being admitted to the heaven of no red line
underlining a "spelling mistake") -
it's the profanity of pronoun usage -
poets ease in and out of pronoun variations
almost unconsciously - prose writers tend to
get lost in creating characters / puppets -
no out of body experience in fiction -
just truths that are supposed to be lies.
but you know what? schoolchildren
are taught that poetry exists, sure as **** they're
taught it exists - but they're taught it
with too much emphasis on a scientific approach
to it: spot a metaphor... spot a pun!
are bird-watching or something? is there an app
on your phone that might recognise a type of
flower or a type of bird? (snigger) - but you
caught your Pokemon, haven't you?!
cultures that respect poetry are caustic -
if they take it to their heart - like Iranian schism
early on with Islam - no ultimate truth with
a schism, just do it like the Blue Indians,
allow more and more schisms, give it all,
you have a ruler, on it 12 inches or 30 centimetres...
for it to be effective you can't have division
according two one judo chop, down the middle -
**** it, let's go down to a sensible division,
i'm not talking nano-metres, but centimetres -
we won't get any Pisan anomalies that way;
but are those scientists really telling as that
the mystery of life is how far we can divide things up?
sub-atomic clever are they? really?!
you see what happens when civilisations undermine
art - make fun of it... the dementia epidemic -
oh sure... don't read a poem, instead play
cognitive games, do a crossword, get mindful,
complete a su doku - but don't read a poem,
don't even try to make conversation interesting -
poems ought to stimulate involving conversation -
the way the art sees it? we're living under a
dictatorship - swear to god, the poet sees it like that -
we're not living in a democracy -
you have charities concerned with gross
negligence of dogs - gross negligence of poets?
you 'avin a laugh - which means many are
put off it, they write 10 or 20 and then fade away -
they think the ease of writing a few words
because they're from the generation where universal
education was permitted can make a buck from
a few ooh ah repercussions when a piano fell
from the sky and they had to crab-walk two metres
into the gutter - then walk on.
you neglect something precious it bites back -
the dementia epidemic is one such example,
the current problem: premature depression
in your people is another - the 21st century
sandwich; but the ease that poetry handles pronoun
usage is akin to kings - technically mistaken
for personas - fake - we write like we walk on airs
and superstitions of the gnawing paranoia of
power and subsequent respectability of the power's
authority up-kept and constantly implemented
for proof of its effectiveness -
getting a trained monkey is one thing,
but getting a monkey that can train itself is another -
as it stands, Oxford treats nibbling on
Germanic with unease - the Oxford hyphen
is the purgatory of necessarily compounded words -
an optical loon brigade loop of adding necessary
complexity to a language and making mathematics
simpler, more atomic, we don't need an atomic
shrapnel language construction -
and yes, this is an old attachment of mine:
reflective pronoun compounds - e.g. my self -
and reflexive pronoun compounds - i.e. myself.
Olivia Kent Nov 2013
It was getting late.
In a rush the customers flooded.
Desperate to make one last deposit.
Before the bank was shut!

The tellers waited patiently.
For all of them to leave.
Shuffled off in virtual silence to catch the last bus.
They were are rather knackered.
Did not want to fuss.

All feeling rather drained.
Looking rather pale and stressed.
Nearly all dying for a rest.

The bank was shut.
Fridge switched on.
One and one along they come.

Heigh ** (A/O )
Positive,negative.
What's your fix.
Or maybe a cocktail.
I'm sure I can mix.

Said the waiter in black tight tuxedo.
Crisp in white shirt.
I can see him you know.
Behind the bar.
Stood in the corner.
They tell me his name is Jack Warner.

Offers a warning to all the girls.
When running his fingers though their curls!

Gets those bags out.
Filled bursting with claret.
Passes one to the ******* the left.
She smiled fangs bared.
Audacious enough to believe he cared.
The emotionless creep in the immortal sleep.

Waiter turned round and smiled at me.
Fangs glinting in the light.
Obviously only electric.

The vampire bar became a tad hectic.
'Well me darlin', what's your poison'
I smiled real cute with a mischievous grin.
Reciprocal comment came out mighty quick.
Mine's a coke.
I was 'avin a joke,
Don't like them ****** weird folk!

'You ****** vampires make me real sick!'
Left the blood bank.
Like a bat out of hell!
By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)
Well I am rather silly sometimes!
'avin a night out on da town.
Tis me only chance to get down.
Me grab a nice looker.
Oops, she's not a ******.
Makes me head home wit' a frown.
She beat me up after I wrote dis poem.
Pray for me
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2017
so these cowboy roofers are currently
refurbishing my roof with new tiles...
it started raining like a ******* this
night... and they evidently ******
something up... so much for the
"protestant work ethic"...
     last time i checked the catholics were
more dutiful...
          i had rainwater coming from the ceiling...
towels! ****! bring me towels!
             so that worked... for about 10 minutes
before the towels were soaked in rainwater...
   i went into the kitchen and sat akimbo
   and like elijah cognitively "prayed": please...
let it stop raining!
            it didn't stop, so i had to take to
auxiliary measures...
      first it was a large *** stuffed with
                                   kitchen paper, so that it might
fall padded by the paper into the ***...
            expecting the rain to fall way into
the day i took a sieve and stuffed it with kitchen
paper...
             then i took a glass "jug" that might
entertain flowers and placed it into the sieve
that was resting on the cooking ***...
                 then i thought: give it an hour, give it
an hour...
                  sessioned myself to jerking off...
       so much for prayer... the rain stopped...
                 went into my bedroom to look at the damage...
towels gone, soaking wet hanged on
the washing line...
                  it was only a droplet "waterfall"...
i should have listened to it, to get the "heartbeat"
rate of the droplets of water falling into glass...
            that thing that happened today? London-town?
i didn't hear about it until the 9pm news...
           for some reason i felt this giant
kraken-like demand for gravity pulling me into
my bed for the entire day...
               "protestant" work "ethic"...
  ******* made a hole in my roof, my room is streaming
water into my warm privacy and i'm supposed
to argue: the "protestant work ethic"... the ****?
           england imported former communist state
workers... because the ******* in their
homeland just turned lazy, cranked up some
caribbean vibes and jiggled themselves into
a ******* wheelchair, all of them pretending:
   i'm as smart as stephen hawking! d'uh!
and so ***** the seagull the d'uh impression for retards.
      there's no other way for it!
that's what billy oh'really said about: the name of allah...
that's tautology! you just said two names
  and forgot about the entity!
                          if it ain't there... then i'm going to say:
we really didn't excavate dinosaur bones
    and store them in the museum...
                 tautology! you de-categorised two words
that belong in the same category! nouns! names!
         the nerd in me, ah...
                    ******* impressive contraption by the way...
a ***... kitchen el dorado of paper (one sheet! ****!)
  a sieve and then this glass "shard" you'd put
flowers into... by the way... this existential "       " =
i'm really too ****** to look for accurate nouns...
     so let's make it a bit ambiguity and
keep the pace of expression; that's all... nothing else...
         so what was happening in london today?
  apparently i sat akimbo in the kitchen and hoped
it would stop raining...
               a great flatness... i chased two cats away
from the kitchen door handle... the hulk maine ****
can easily open it with its paw...
           tensed up... chased him away to sleep...
   i swear i could now say that i was bound to be weeping
last night...
             don't really know... alcohol consumption
shortens the memory...
              yesterday? today? tomorrow? yesterday; really?
but there's one plus regarding today...
        tesco is having a clear-out...
   it's doing mt. gay est. 1703 *** at under
15 quid... barbados... ***... and there's even a story:
        a legal deed dated 20th february 1703...
   the existence of *** still house...
                        sugar cane estate on Barbados...
          the world's oldest *** producer...
            now it's called the richard bramson (branson?
            brownson bromson brewmason? brr! said
    the sparrow in the fountain, 'avin a winter scrub)
company, formerly known as ******, now
simply known as eclipse.
   it's like i wasn't supposed to write anything today,
what with calamity jane scenarios leading up
to me, actually writing something.
                      really, a sight to disbelieve, that giant
***, that sieve and the tissues inside both, and
that flower glass container sitting in the sieve and
the rain...
              isn't it so though?
               listening to mainstream media...
        they're not reporting what's happening,
they're just sketching... and i mean sketching,
they want to keep the monetary momentum...
               first it's 4 dead (including the terrorist)...
then it's 5 dead (including the policeman)...
          by the time historians get in on the action
it will be: 100 years later and 40 dead...
                                    mainstream media is like that...
no one cares about indie music these days,
it's all about indie media... indie news...
             which evidently ends up with really ******
music being produced...
                             i was listening in on it and i was thinking:
24/7 society... what's the news?
                        just 4... then... just 5...
                              100 years later: the actual number
was about a hundred...
                       knife + knife + car = chaos!
                                    imagine if that was:
       knife + hammer + car.
                               that's mainstream media for you...
you're teased and have to experience
   a delay button type of coverage...
             they hush the whole scenario...
         first they say it was only 4, then they do
a little bit of arithmetic and add it up to 5...
           but in actual fact it's much more than that...
  and they're so bewildered these days that they're
nearing the status of dinosaurs...
                                       it's the 21st century... hello?!
Mateuš Conrad Sep 2017
haj! kúrō! san nan lidèc / yes! cannibalism! blood of a leader! (via haitian creole); kooroo! hai! hi! san nan lid! you better have your prayer mats on the ready, i'm telling you, you come across the faroe islands, and the orca season, and marie mason, & the orca hunt... i'd love to see islam explore these martyrs there: got a ******* sand-dial ready, you camel jockeys?! oh, no? like seeing you 'avin' a picnic with the cannibals... ought i send a message down the pineapple pipeline to mecca?! oh sure, the taj mahal twerps will save you... in about 50 years... lucky you, you get to taste the cannibalistic fry-up! i know, i know, we're missing the applause... i still find it impossible to have eradicated cannibalistic societies... seems such a shame, not exposing islamic societies to them... ******... i was almost wishing to see muslims get eaten with their prayer mats... now, it would seem: i don't have a hard-on... **** me twice & call me aladdin, later a carpet merchant... what, a, load, of, *******! my my, why are my teeth itchy?!

you know why love poems bore me?
well, they're full of the promise,
there's always the transcending
platonic, but always the most lack
of the: touchy touchy,
the mandible bone; i sometimes even
manage to frighten myself with
this curiosity,
this cauliflowers' worth of brains...
you know what scares me about
love poems given the exhibit,
how ideal they all seem...
with me, governing the humble
jack's lament*...
    and how stifling it now seems
to appear: handshakes with shadows,
gravitas with death-hoods,
graciousness with the least suspecting
vanguards...
  the last goth, the last remaining:
vandal...
       and ergo the globalist truth:
           as our own,
our own we will take, other?
the banks!
                 countries contra banks!
let us, begin.
   the genesis of the feral lands,
oh, you come into these lands....
        you will soon see
that feral = homogeneity...
               you will soon taste
kúrō;
          inland tactics of you
islanders...
come into these lasts,
the multicultural antics doesn't
really begin in the 1950s,
or anywhere else,
you enter these lands you suddenly
get the idea how
unappealing / unwelcoming they are,
it's hardly sad:
it's just intimidating,
       and i know that's what you
find scary,
a dozen africans in a capital city,
and even they have a hard time
getting jobs...
       these really are feral lands,
and by feral i mean unappealing
in the most serene terms:
but, given the ukranians?
the most unwelcoming!
          oh, go on, send the muslims to the faroe
islands...
       i seriously would love to see
muslims being poached alongside
orcas: for the biblical redness of the nile
being reenacted;
and yes, by comparison:
the new testament is oh so boring!
what do you think
you can do to me now
when all you can add to my pain is flavour
i have already lost everything i ever found
but itll cost you your liberty
to do me a favour
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2017
no, really, learn it from me,
this can't can't get any better...
youtube videos by
orangelo...
   please please, i'm not being
mean: just ******-well pedantic...
wait... what's that word?

lee-zioor?
     say it again, lay-sure?
leisure?!
leisure studies?
              lesion studies?
the **** am i reading, russian, or hebrew?
i'm scratching my head
like the first monkey that thought
up a sling-shot Y...
and i'm still scratching my head:
sumthin'... sumthin': to crack
open this coconut... hmm?
head to toe, sensai bow head-bang
the ****** open?!
scratch scratch... maybe tomorrow.

you really could cast this orangelo
kid into the quicksilver role for
the x-men movies...
      humming along to sweets in dreams:
homie!? what? d'ough....
                       ******* nut-case.
me? i'm always in a party mode:
   i'm the ******* protagonist in
a b-movie, whatch'ah expect?
                    whatcha?
                        d-fu­cking-caprice?
good luck sergeant;
   do you take two or too spoonfuls with
         your coffee, or half and some cream?

i still don't know what this american
is talking about...
   some people who moved fresh off the boats
biding by the gates of dover
find the scots hard to understand...
me? the irish... i can't stomach their
clover turned spinach turn of phrase...
scots? oh i get them...
   i just think of them as: she'k'shee...
shean! get yir *** out of the *******
elevator! not 'avin these hush overtones
when i'm not even in a turkish diner
ordering a shish kebab...
   ha!
     dinner....          dye-ner...
               and all you get is a missing N....
dim went the lightbulb:                d'uh!
high as a ******* kite,
  and all i have to compensate is a mouse
on a dog-leash...
   that high bit... yeah... drunk...
   ******* my rockers... who who minds?

this is not exactly going to lullaby me...
i don't know whether this
american is saying:
leisure (lay-zschechshzshch....
huh?)
   oh you know, the english tend to complain
about slavic words having
too many consonants segregating
the vowels...
  a stick has two-ends...
   the slavs complain about the post-germanic
amalgam of english saying:
  anything that sounds the same -
but otherwise is written differently:
   buggers are naked!
    how do you actually begin to
write a distinction between
dinner        &                     diner
   (dim-ner vs. dye-ner?!),
or   (the less bewildering scenario of)
   leisure                   &        lesion -
              shoo-ba(h)               shoobaba(h)...

a double u that is actually a double o...
   well... so much for vv...
                                if ever a language
be stranded at belshazzar's feast...
                                            it would be english!
****-naked adam gaius pretending
to own the world because he's treating
insomnia with a linguistic span of:
from australia! to alaska! via greenwich
                                                    mea­n-time!
Ken Pepiton Jul 2019
thursday, 9 a.m.

recrudesence

picking scabs from old wounds

in a state of
what could be, has been
entroped
in 'erclueles and all the task

per formers pre formed for duty
as carriers

vectors of investment in us,
we, the people
of unbroken words,
--- imagine us words asifwe form
from that space twixt wick and smoke,
the gifts of prometheus included us

we balance values

for-by-of pre positioned players

enact the act
re quired in the right thinking
mentioned by Ben as being

the key to sought and caught
happiness, successfully pursued
pursuant to all accepted norms, but
bound up
in cultural ties
to long told stories

'avin' no aitches an gees

wise-ward toward even seems
what come t' steven
even steven's that'
the story, the psuedodylan said

behind every body must get ******
--- badumpty dump dump thumpt

c'mon, stevie, what djew see?
Ah the biography will have the juicy details in 30 years

— The End —