Upon my falling tears
I release my fears,
my sadness and insecurities
are set free.
My passed progressions, become
aggressions temporarily so
I can cope with the anxiety
and depression.
Like a Torero, I grow slowly
to a shadows pase, two shay.
The PTSD is the worst part
of building me.
I never built my own bridges,
everything has been a bit
unstable. Like a house of
cards, my house crumbled
with the slightest touch.
I played the game I pretended
to be normal, now I’m tired and
wanting to be who I was meant
to be. Uniquely autistically me.
I am building my first bridge,
fireproof and waterproof with
a **** to hold my sorrows.
©️ 2022 By Amanda Shelton
I started counseling. I went to my second appointment today. I am going weekly on Wednesday at 9 am. I am finally building my own bridges so I can stand by myself. I have discovered I never had a self. I have body dysphoria and it's holding me back. I need to build myself to deal with the abuse I suffered. My ex did a lot of damage and I already was damaged. I worked hard to build a platform for myself and he tore it down in two years and I didn't have a chance to build it back because I was trapped for seven years in his abusive tactics. He neglected me when I needed him, he expected me to sacrifice everything for him and he did nothing but complain about everything blaming me for his discomfort. He caused me paranoia and anxiety because he broke my self esteem and security. He stole and lied to me. He gaslighted everything I did and tried to mock me and steal my work for himself. The dude made a blog similar to my own and got upset when he didn't get the same attention I get. When I worked hard to build my community, it took years for me to get my blog where it's at. He can't achieve the same thing in one post. He can't even write good poetry. His makes no sense. He needs to work hard to learn how to write poetry. I have been writing since I was seven years old, before I could write my mom wrote for me and I told her what to write. I am autistic too so I started out slowly. Building my blogs helped me improve my writing skills because I wanted to learn and get critical help from my readers. You guys are my muse and support. He doesn't want to work so he failed. He also made it harder for me to grieve for my mom after she passed. He wasn't supportive instead he was attacking me and accusing me of cheating when he was the one cheating. He bugged my apartment to collect evidence I was cheating. He got very mean when he couldn't get the evidence he wanted. My mom had to help me protect myself after he broke into my apartment and stole food and used my stuff in 2014. He never apologized or took responsibility for his crimes. Our community doesn't care about me either, they didn't punish him after he was reported and caught. They literally paid for the damages and he is free to cause more damage. He also murdered his cat while he tore apart his apartment and ended up in the hospital for mental health. He ended up breaking out of the hospital and walked home ****** and mentally unstable. I reported him but nothing was done. He brought dug dealers and prostitutes into his apartment. Pretended to not know they were criminal's yet he brought them in to make deals and feed his own addiction. I am forced to deal with the mental health issues he caused. Our justice system is broken, there's no protection or justice. I am proof. It needs to change. The lack of justice is damaging lives.
