Judgement calls for the infiltration of none of it at all
The sad barrier that so many want to write about
to touch, to make reasoning of-
sad speech when feeling good,
thought of love for being hurt
in that touch of a moment for a waking call
of pens on poetry walls.

© 2017 Clarissa van Vreden

Full cart
Forgotten wallet
Poetic justice
Minimal profit

Nothing purchased
Nothing gained
Small wonder
I remain sane

I’ve grown up in grocery stores
Admiring their hearty stock
In my story, the constant lore
Is stable silence followed by rock

So loud, and yet so quiet
Mind spinning, logic ignored
Emotions twirling, guiding, lying,
What is my hungry heart for?

Amongst shoppers, I am a dreamer
Amongst haves, I am have not.
The silent soldiers fighting a war
Against the accumulating ***

Obsessive comes close to scratching
What my mind is like when nervous
I want what I want, so I’m asking
And asking has thus far, been worthless

If only love that eludes my grasp
Were but a loaded shopping cart
I’d run to my apartment and run back
My happiness, some cold pop tarts.

Alas, the vitality I seek,
The stimulant that’s most stimulating
It makes me dumb, it makes me weak,
And requires calculated manipulating

Of which I am not capable,
Or at least, strongly averted from.
To myself, I remaiin faithful
Even though I am so dumb.

Muster up a little patience,
Muscle up, shut up, be a man.
Mysterious mature, that’s the cadence
That’s the gold standard panned.

I glimpse it, from time to time
Across the colored movie screen.
These men succeed and I often fail,
But what does my own failure mean?

Is it me? Or is it them?
Or am I close, but not quite there?
Will my fatigue be what makes me
Depressed enough to seem like I don’t care

So my annoyingness, gone, in thin air?
So my emotional longings will be bare?
So into eyes I could finally stare
And not always ask, what’s in there?

What do you see, looking at me?
I never know, until I’ve chosen
To let my selfish heart unleash
Until it’s finally cracked wide open

Until you see me as I’ve chosen
To see myself, full of erosion
Wasted space, a dreadful ocean
Of empty thoughts and rugged lotion.

Talking so much, never saying.
Giving so much, never reaping.
Sleeping so much, never dreaming.
Running so much, never leaving.

Chasing so much, only finding
What I’ve found is not astounding
My horrible mind, abandoning reality
Leaving everyone once they’ve found me.

Refusing life rafts while I’m drowning,
Breathing in water, heart is pounding,
Self inflicted, always counting,
Choosing pain, refusing mouthpiece.

Loving so much, never caring.
Caring so much, never sharing.
Sharing so much, never connecting.
Making connections, shortly empty.

Meditating so much, never praying.
Laying so much, making me lazy.
Letting my emotions control me so much,
I’m selfish, never learning, never changing, crazy.

Yes,
I believe in outrageous crazy,
GUT WRENCHING LOVE,
But for me I can wait.
I aint a girl whose willing to jump yet,
MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR ME,
I mean it's great to see people who love somebody so much they are willing to put up with their crap ever single day!
And take up their annoyingness and their idiosyncrasies like their PB and J sandwich.
But I like my solitude, my emptiness is not hollow.
My emptiness is a passion, a dream, that I have to follow,
Even into the dark shadows where no one will go,
I have to
And I mean maybe one day I'll let someone in, but not today,
NOT EVER,
For I cannot bear the pain to pierce another's heart like once was mine,
For love is one of humanities only holiness, yet purest follies.

One day, you're going to miss the sweets
message I give you every morning.

you're going to miss how
I use to worry about you.

you're going to miss the
smile and surprises I gave for you.

you're going to miss any annoyingness.
One day I walked away from a happy story,

and you're going to miss how actually
had someone that actually wanted you.

And one day you're going to miss me.

Sent. Delivered. Seen.
My intentions are Clean
Your cold Replies
I just hope no Lies

Every time we talk
I feel this knock
Beats in my heart
You're my sweetheart

I know I am Annoying
Sometimes Clinging
For you, Busy or Not
I'd Reply Fast, I ought

Bored?, Just Fine
Bitter as Wine
Please open up
Your sadness you can't cover up

Bored with me
Leaving? feel free..
I never expected
for this day to to be created

The day you leave
Is the day I grieve
Good bye
Just.. Why

Seen, Typing, Received.
Oh why'd i Believed
Your simple Sweetness
Made Bitter Endless

I've been feeling something for you
Hell This feeling I can't get used to
But you're fading..
You're leaving..

'How am i?'
I am Fine
But I cry
As you drew the Line

Goodbye it is
No more Reply
'Convo Ended' it says
Bang Bulls Eye

Thank you for hanging
with My Silliness
My Annoyingness
My Clinginess

Just know this
You were my Happiest Hello
And my Saddest Goodbye
At least now i know, You'd leave
with that warm smile

I know my promises mean absolutely nothing now.. After what I did. And I know you still hurt from it, it might not seem like it, but I do too. One of our biggest promises.. Don't let someone ever come between us, no matter what.. And I let him. And I know you think that it was my words too, saying that I never wanted to talk to you again, that you were a bad friend, I never said or wanted that, I was just so worn thin of him constantly yelling at me for it.. And looking back, I don't see why I ever EVER let myself be that controlled by someone else. Can I be honest though? It was out of fear. I thought, if he left me.. I'd be alone forever because you'd never take me after that. But now I'm seeing, even if I die unmarried, I'd rather die unmarried with you as my best friend, than marry him and live without you. I think it speaks volumes that after 7-8 months of dating, I broke up with him less than a month after you and I stopped talking. I couldn't handle it. I became very angry and bitter towards him because of that, and then the little things that sorta bugged me but I didn't really notice, got worse. A lot worse. The biggest difference I see between you two, besides maturity, he made me feel trapped, forced, caged and like I had absolutely no freedom that he didn't approve of.(I'm not over exaggerating. He wanted me to ask him before I did anything LITERALLY ANYTHING and when I didn't he got really mad at me and it was borderline emotional abuse. Maybe that's why I stuck around, women in those relationships feel like they can never have anything better than this life that they've chosen..I'm sorry that I let him change me..) But you. You make me feel free, and light, and like I can still be an individual but not be alone. You let me be who I want to be without judgment and mockery. You don't criticize me and try to shape me into being something that I'm not. I admire you. Who you are, your life, and I'm fascinated by the way you grew up and I love learning things from you. I know we used to joke about not being sure if we're twins or supposed to get married, and I loved that so much.. You know, I've found that my fear and rash  decisions of jumping into a relationship with Nic, while wanting to be with you, was out of fear and lack of trust in God. I want so badly to be married young and I wasn't trusting God to give that to me and I, for some majorly ****** up reason, wasn't seeing how beautifully you loved me. You were there.. Through everything.. And I feel really stupid that I didn't see it sooner. Maybe that's why I've been so clingy and spazzy lately. There's so much I want to say to you and I could keep writing things forever in this little note but that might get awfully boring to read. It'll all come out eventually.. Mostly in my poems though. I don't know if we'll ever be together, you know that I hope so, but even if we don't I am so glad that you're my best friend, and that you've stuck around through my bitchyness, annoyingness, clingyness, and all the uncool things about me. That's pretty groovy of you. I love you, an incredibly huge amount. You are by far in my top 3 favorite humans list. I hope you stay a while longer.

p.s. I just realized how awfully terrible it was of me to say that stupid "it's tough being in love with someone who isn't in love with you" thing. Like that was such ******* I was to go back it time and smack myself for it. I'm really really sorry. You're incredible.