"Why do we fall?
So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Ive fallen more times than there are stars. I have more scars than there are sand particles on the beach.

Brought up in a world
Only knowing punishment and attitude ajustment.

I was killed by a look.
Well, that and the sharp pain in my ribs.
Forced into insanity
Only hope being prosperity.
I thought of suicide more times than a pencil breaks in a school year.

Where is justice?
Where is hope anymore.
Because depression moved into my life with a title wave
Crashing into my soul with an intensity
That overtook my prosperity.
Torture.
Yes
A word
All too true for me.
Two by four with nails sticking out below my knees
They punctured just below my kneecap.
Still got the scar.
All i was able to do was whimper.
Ooh how fun that was BELIEVE ME
I did survive.
Only a sophomore now.
With gunpowder scent for a hint
Of whats next from my dad and his game.
I can expect
Nothing but death
To float me away.
Only to float
Float
Float

It has been years since
I forced myself for being optimistic.
I forced myself to believe
that my wounds are nothing
but little scratches.
I forced myself to believe
that time can heal all the wounds.

But recently, I then realized that
actually I'm fooling myself.
Because some wounds
can't be healed within time.
The scratches were so deep
and can't be healed by simple ajustment.

And it is not easy to move on
when people around me
are so happy to keep making the new wound
on the wounds that is not yet healed.

So, it is time for me to go for hiding,
living in my sanctuary,
not for running away,
but for letting my soul
completely heal in silence.

Because it is not good if I keep
fooling myself with the all lies of saying
"I'm (always) fine" and "I'm (always) okay",
when I'm actually not..

-Kanya Puspokusumo, 2018
http://doeniadevi.wordpress.com