Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

Darkness
within myself
I hide from fear
fear to whom
maybe my
mother
brothers
my abuser

I hide within myself
no where to run
I hide in the closet

I cry
and
I cry

no one can hear
not even my
mother
brother
my abuser

what should I do
tried many times
to run and to run

knowing what's to come
when I return
home

my mother ready
behind the door
what would she have
in her
hand

a
belt
wooden spoon

what fear to look for
within myself
I hide
many times
in my closet
no one can see me

I so skinny
no one knows
where to look
I can hear them
call my name

Anna
where are you

Anna
it's supper
many times
I miss supper
it wasn't important
to me

food oh well
I won't miss a day of eating
no one really cares
if I'm at the table or not

all I know
family isn't the life for me
negative and hate
no
love
no
trust
empty nest of sorrows

with the family I have
who knew

God
gave my
mother

a daughter to love
instead
all it is to her
is hate after hate

I tried and I tried
to do the best I can
nothing seems to please
her

what is it with her

I look up
to the sky
and ask

God
why
oh
why

I'm a girl
with four brothers

why was I chosen
to be a
girl

the only one in the
family
a
family
of
hate unwanted love

no one cared no understand
what life should be
all I know

in time
I needed to get away
for the purpose to survive
a life
to
wonder

only person that cared in my life time
my
loving
Grandmother

which we call her in
Italian

Nonna for Grandmother
she was the life
she was the love to who I was
she gave the basic love
taught me who I should be
but still
deep inside

I learn to
hate
shame
dislike
myself
to who I am

I blame myself for being born
into this World
that is so big and wide

I kept to myself
no
friends
empty nest of nothing
I spare the moments
in my room
that's all I had
four walls to look at
growing up

does anyone out there
understand
does anyone
understand the meaning
of being depress
the word
depress means many option and detail of a person

I found out many years ago
as an adult
I suffer from trauma mental illness

my illness I will tell
Bipolar
I have many other illness
do to being abuse
life seems so hate full
for
45yrs
now 47yrs old
almost 2yrs now
January 27, 2013

will be the actually date
of
positive outlook
to who I am
I've learn to love myself
within my own spiritual way
the outlook came from someone dear to me

a love that came
so dear so close
who knew I would find
a soul mate so far
yet so close

he gave me the life
life to live for
not to be afraid

he open the door
show me the way what life should be
he game me the option
to be who I am
like always
and wanted so dearly
for the years that gone by

life change to who I am
cause of him
he gave me the love that is so simple and basic it took
that long
to found that true love

I ask myself once again
how did I manage to fight within myself
became something more
for myself and to give what is given to me

help
I got
I took
I kept on going
the skills to understand
now I am brave
I have someone beside me
telling me
do not fear
I am hear for you
he came me the option
to take what is given
he gave me all
and still does
until this day

love came to me
for real
no lie
no false pretend what a man should be
he is the original man
that is raised
by
a fine beautiful mother and father
and
family wise
what a Blessing to find out

never been love that way in my life time
it is amazing what life can turn out to be

I am who I am
until this day
I stand tall and proud of my man
he makes me look amazing
every time I'm near him
I see all within him

so within myself
I don't run
I don't hide
I don't cry
all I know is

obstacle I fought
came a life time of happiness to express
my thought's in many ways
to who I am today

Darkness within myself
is within the light
of
a
man
who gave me the tools
to find
what life is all about
love and life

now 47yrs old

I Can Hear Her calling.
She Senses My unhappiness.
She can feel My Misery.
She Used To Come Right over. Now, She doesn't have the power.
What she does is try to convince me From a distance.
She tells me Amazing Things.
She Reminds me of the good times We had and how good it felt.
Her words are powerful.
The more I listen, closer she gets.
Although She's very lovable And The bestest Friend you can have .
She's extremely evil.
She Slowly Tricks me into Letting her get closer To me.
I Now have control over that.
Back then i didn't.
As Soon as she called, I followed.
I Worked so hard to Not Be Able To Say yes And Hold back from playing with her Now.
But lately....
She's been Coming around more frequently . She tells me Everything I want to hear and It's becoming harder for me to Not listen. She's very smart .
For That reason, I'm worried.
I feel So unsure.
Do I relapse Or do I let it go ?
I've been Clean for 2yrs.
I did it on my own. Thankfully.
She Asks me If I'm sober, Then why am I still unhappy?
she Tells Me What's The point of being Sober And yet still sad ?
She reminds Me of the Satisfying feelings She Provides.
She Tells me "Why be Unhappy and Sober. When You can be Unhappy but feel amazing"
I have been feeling So tempted Lately. These arguments With my Bf Are Making me want to give up. they are giving me strong temptations. I can feel My Mind Weaken ..

I know Better Than To not Trust myself.
Temptations Have been So Strong Lately.
Arguments With My Bf Always Trigger me.
I Battled 2yrs Of Hard Urges. Even Once drunk My Bf Threw Money at my face saying to Go Get High Like the Addict I've been.
Last Week, I felt so weak.
I Gave In, I took The risk.
I Got High. I Got Away With it, no one suspected. It Felt Great.. Too great.
Other times I Relapsed i Instanly Went back to My Addict Form and Got sent away to treatment.
I promised Myself Just this once.
Knowingly knowing I Failed Other Times.
Well I'm On Day 4 Of No sleep, Day 5 of consuming Tweak..
I've Been Trying to Act Casual.
But I've been Avoiding Eye contact With everyone. I've been Isolating, afraid To get caught but all I'm doing his Giving hints that Someghings Wrong.
Anyways, I'm Scared & Worried.
When I'm Reaching The comedown I Fein To Use More. Today's The Day ive Ran out.
I'm a few Minutes To An Hour Away From Coming Off it. I Hope To hold Strong And Not Hit up My connect .
There is More negative Than happiness in my life. I hope to Reason And find something To hold on to and help me not fall .

I Love You, but Im Sorry.
For Failing on Myself And Dissapointing You.
After 2yrs of being sober,
I Relapsed again.
I Couldn't Help it. I Had To Use.
Temptation Was Strong And I Didn't try fighting it this time.
I Didn't See A Point In Staying Sober. I'm miserable Either way.
We are always arguing.
You Are always Making me feel sad and hurt my feelings.
I'm Tired Of Being a fool And forgiving You. When You don't even deserve to be forgiven.
You Don't Treat me fair And don't show me real love and Affection.
Always at your convenience.
I have Always been Good to you.
Honest , Loyal , trustworthy.
I Don't deserve to be treated less.
I Wanted To Use.
To not feel The way I Do Anymore.
To Forget all The ****** up **** you done to me and feel  Numb.
Please Don't hate me.
I Hope You understand.

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

I battled Temptation For 2yrs.
Always Fantasising
On How it feels.
Missing That Intense Rush.
Feining For The Feeling That I was once hooked on.
I Failed To Stay Strong.
Not only Was I dissapointed At my Self , But dissapointed At the fact That I Did Not feel The Way I Was Craving it in My Head...
It Was Not As Good like I pictured. The Sensation Felt better in my imagination.
I Felt A Flow For
A Couple Minutes.
I'm So Mad.
I Did Not feel Different.
I Had The Physical Effects.
Dilated Eyes, no apitite, my face appeared Different.
I Didn't sleep For 2 Days And Felt No euphoria, energy, motivation through it.
Instead i Felt Fussy.
Ugh!
I Took A Risk For Bogus!
What a ****** waste.