truthfully
you will never see me
the way i see you
and you will never forgive me
like i do-
because
we are different you and i
different grass
same sky
different heart
different minds
different understandings of riddled rhymes-
and you will try and see me
and i will try and see you
-truthfully
i do
see you-
but that's not enough for one to be seen
and heard
and understood;
there has to be a greater blanket
to cover up good
to cover up blood
and to hide all the wounds-
but as you cut in deep
you stab me too.

You are the rain
sometimes cooling down
sometimes in the way
sometimes comforting me on my couch
sometimes frightening with rage-
but you are not just the rain
you are a cold front
on a hot day
with the sun still shining-
brushing against my face;
and I dream of when you’ll come
and I beg that you would stay,
I anticipate the moving clouds
knowing they carry you my way-
but you are not just a cold front,
you are not just the rain,
you are an old tree
in Bryant park
protecting our great love
protecting me in your shade;
and I know God has planted you
and I know that he is great,
but I am thankful for your falling leaves
casting beauty in my face,
calming me down with your grace-
-there is not a more beautiful place-

it’s not that i don’t like my body,
im secure in myself,
but i can feel my weight
like being shackled to a mountain,
and i can’t move without feeling
like im not myself.
i see myself
i know it’s me,
but daily slugging
fills me uncomfortably-

i’m so aware that this is killing me slowly
but my apathy leads me to eat my self to passion;
good thing i can move past appearances,
or else i might be crushed under the fashions-

i know that i need to make a change
if i long to live a life without this feeling
but is there any room left to fill this void
or will i be crushed under all of my weight.

take the open door
because when you look back
realize the broken path
you will fall through the depths
and slip into the deepening cracks-

when you look inside
you will see what you like to see
you will find what you came to seek!
and when you get what you want
you'll find that the door was closed for the past three weeks
to hide the stench of the bodies stacked
-the guts hidden behind the hopeful crusted lips
words spoken and never heard
forgotten before they ever stirred-

i might not always be the best fit
and might not be able to squeeze my edges in
i will doubt myself again
and i will think that someone else belongs where i am-

there isn't enough time in the day
for me to get the thoughts out of the way
to deal with the shame
and the self hate-
as the minute hand spins round and around
i cannot stop myself
from thinking that God's breath was waisted
that he should've made someone else
and that the air i've tasted
should've been ****** from my lungs
something i never should've felt.
i see the sun in others eyes
and worship their beauty
and curse my ground
because the radiating light
from the sun i'm viewing
could never come from my mouth
or my heart
or something inside my stomach
growling for more-
all i do is consume
and drink up the spills on the floor-
i am the dog
begging for the scraps
and i am unworthy of anything
besides that.
besides the moldy trash.

i might not always be the best fit
and might not be able to squeeze my edges in
i will doubt myself again
and i will think that someone else belongs where i am-
because where could i belong!
where would my place be
would i sit beside you
or beneath your feet-

(my heart humbled knows what i deserve
-the worst
-the crumbs
-the feet upon my head
but you pick me up
tell me i'm free
wash me clean
throw me a feast
robe me
and celebrate how you are no longer lonely
for your cherished son
who did you wrong
and spit on your name
is not lost in a grave
but is home-
i
am
home)

you ask yourself
you trust yourself
and you go on your way

you believe your truth
you accept your proof
and you go on your way

you live life with max ease
you do as you please
and you go on your way

but you can't trust yourself
you can't trust anyone else
to give you the answers, and show you the way

so just know that you don't
that you always won't
or either muster the confidence to simply say

"i don't know what i'm doing"
"theres no way of knowing"
"i'm trying to make the best of my fate"

or

"i trust in the stars"
"i leave life up to chance"
"i believe there's a God still showing me grace"

not a soul in sight

will we be alright
here
under a lonely light

when the lamp goes cold
that’s all that i
fear

the skies are checkered with black and red,
an eye lingering on subtly and sunsets,
a mind pondering life and death,
something doesn't feel right-
somethings can't be righted.
some people can't be changed,
an eye lingering on the twilight,
a mind feeling all disdain.
the night sways between black and blue,
shades of incandescent light powering through,
this world could use more color,
a mind pondering a bland view.
something doesn't like white-
somethings can't be unwhited.
the ceiling skies are overflowing with dripping whiteness,
patterns catch my eyes in every collection,
a mind lingering on false eyelid brightness,
no sleep while pondering multiple perceptions-
something feels so wrong
something feels so wrong
i can't sleep
when i know there is something so wrong
when i know i can't change
when i know i can't
i know i can't

we like to justify:
lie
create
or at least try
to make
or state
a reason why
we do
what we do
or why we chose that we don't
but the truth
we ignore
is that we don't know, and we won't-

was it my fault-


take apart the past_ I wish it never passed.
I wish that the time flew by while we sat and laughed.
and maybe then I’d find the time to finally ask
what I could find that would make you relax-
instead I sit down on my bed at night
and wonder why I never did it right,
wondering why we’re still together,
wondering wether or not this will last forever-

was it my fault-


the words pouring from your lips
before the touch of our kiss
point out that it was my clenched fists
forcing faces to become clicked-
i
was
the
one
who
wanted
this-
those are the only words I remember-
the only words I can hear you say.
I thought you wanted all that I could pull together,
never knowing how far I would tear you away-

let my thoughts not dwell on this present age,
or the words on my people, or the thoughts of complaint,
but may my mind find rest in fountains of peace
and with heavy contentment, may my eyes find sleep-

unrest settles around me
and fear begins compounding
but my head lies
beneath your loving eyes
and gives into being loved graciously

fear the plague of nostalgic apathy
groaning for things no longer seen
things left behind in forgotten seas
that creep there way to be present feelings-
bitter tasting bread, bitter place instead
digesting mold, sickness, and dread-
thankfulness, no more regret,
a pure sedative to pains of ingesting death.

The mind
Is my
Worst feature-
My imagination
Turns me into
A new creature-

I will-
Foam at the mouth till I get what I want,
And weep to myself when I finally have it-
I will-
Disperse all irrelevant relevant details,
And give myself up to bad habits!
This drug of fantasy
Will bring me down with it’s dark tendencies!
And like Justin and Reece used to sing,
I am confusing my lust for these fallacies!

Images!

You cheat me till I’m bone dry!
Desiring to weep, but I can’t cry!
Wanting to give up, but I can’t die!
Wanting to move on, but I won’t try!
Wanting all that I can’t have!
Dreaming of decisions I could never take back!
Hoping for things that I could never ask!
And I
Push it on my wife like it’s her task!
To feed the demons of my dark soul!
To fill this void, this bottomless hole!
And when she can’t, I will grasp for control!
But I’m the one that needs to let go!
So I sit in misery of my thoughts!
And hope that the words I say can be forgot!
Images will cheat your eyes, your heart and all that you’ve got!
Until you’re at your lowest point, broken, distraught-

this flower's sour-
i don't taste it's beauty
and this sunset
is still blinding;
can one find the thing
all good and all lovely
can man find the thing
of no painful tracing;
toxic breath
acid rainbow death
happiness cigarette
radiation monument
tumorous candidate-

Jesus
Holy Spirit
God my Father,
for nothing but grace
I have been able to drink
the crystal water
and taste something sweet enough
to enjoy the pain of all suffering.
I am glad to suffer in the warm pool of your joy.