when I was younger
I got into staring contests
with the sunset
despite dire warnings
I challenged him

I thought I would live forever back then
or maybe I just wanted him
to blink
out
before I did

I fear death

I grew up a Christian
reading about Narnia
and there was one man
after escaping ten years of living
in a nightmare
as relief from his waking horror
he was given the gift of sleep
without dreams
forever
now
as well as then
I struggle to comprehend
how this was a reward

to fall asleep
and never dream
and never wake
this is death as far as we can tell

in my childhood
this was the only exposure I had
to the idea of VOID

and now it yawns wide open
at the feet of this newly formed atheist
and I am afraid

‘I never asked to be born in the first place’
-Last words of Adolf ******
(per Kilgore trout
(per Kurt Vonnegut Jr.))

the sunset is deep deep orange
and summer is fading
from green
to red and yellow
then to brown
then to white

I’m thinking of Christmas
watching a hawk fly
silhouetted against
the now hot pink clouds
to the sound of cicadas
and a whisper
of moist and cooling air

winter is hard to get through

then again
so is summer

the sky above me is the shade of lavender
I fell in love with
when I couldn’t find anyone
who loved me back

I was taking a bus trip from December
to late spring
everyone else was asleep
and I watched the sun rise
through palm trees and ferns

if the afterlife is composed
of floating through my time in this life
Tralfamadorian Heaven
I will be content

I am living now