I’ve found the meaning of family.

I see sisters laughing/ joking about who takes over responsibilities/ each sister attending to the others need/ partially/ I don’t know who is taking care of who anymore/ showing teeth/ assuring they are fine/ asking for strength/ even if just to relieve the others of worry

A husband supportive and argumentative and kind/ he calls her little girl/ a grown women fighting her fiercest battle/ he tells her she is not alright/ joking/ looking at her with fondness/ through eyes that haven’t closed in 48hrs/ through the oceans of tears he’s blinked/ he paces trenches into the floor

A family that has gathered at a whim/ over the Pacific/ across the country/ the smell of airports and car seats cloaking their sleepless venture/ the call to gather was heard/ it was answered immediately/ without hesitation/ one way tickets/ you too/ me too/ all of us

An incredible, unabashed bravery/ facing God/ fighting the pain/ without medicine/ without doctors/ without anything/ but the help of loved ones/ refusing to let go/ bravery unmatched/ bravery by example/ for all of us to learn

Silence in everyone’s eyes/ deafening silence/ collective gazing/ we sing a chorus of passing looks/ at each other/ at the phone/ at anything/ you never get use to holding back tears/ we know/ we don’t need anything more/ a smoke plume of red across each eye

A stillness in my heartbeat/ breathing has become a chore/ slowing my chest/ I remind myself I’m still/ living/ I’m here/ My heart beat to match the hyperventilating of my lungs/ it races double time/ triple time/ exponentially/ it turns to micro beats/ it stands still/ my heart has learned to comfort its own weeping

A calm lie I shudder to myself: I am not crying/ I am not the one in pain/ I am not the one fighting more than sadness/ I am not losing it/ the battle I mean/ I am not the one d-d-d-d.../ I am alive/ whatever that means anymore

This is a steam valve slowly releasing/ this is the oxygen machine/ running through cycles/ like waves of nausea/   this is not the scream of sobbing/ this is not the hiccups of drowning/ this is the steam of water splashing/ from the juices hitting blender/ now hot from being used on the hour/ every hour/ I’ve learned the sound of whirling can sound exactly like the clock hitting each hour mark/ this is the sound of the food being cooked again/ nourishment to the caretakers/ who haven’t left her side/ not once/ this isn’t screaming/ this is just steam/ and like tears on a cheek/ it will evaporate/ just like us

This is the product of seeing the youngest sibling age/ and wilt/ right front of our eyes/ too young to be the eldest/ too fresh to be most fragile/ her tissue skin/ paper mache limbs/ still sturdy and determined/ she stutters her words like scrabble and graffiti/ her thoughts missing pieces/ like a child’s smile/ she ad-libs with blanket/ she is bad at charades/ so are we

A fighter in all of us/ we are fighting tears/ we are fighting bad news/ we are fighting death/... / I finally said death/ I lost that fight before she did/ she is fighting our grief/ she is fighting to get a word in/ and her fight for that word to even come out/  she is fighting a war i can’t imagine/ we are fighting by her side/ each battle as unique as a fresh spring bloom/ each with the same outcome

A love in all of us/ I see it in every guided foot step to the bathroom/ in every new set of eyes that breaches the doorway/ I hear it in the Questions that echo back/ are you okay?/ how is she?

A fighter/ a lover/
a survivor/ a family/
Her/ in all of us

Caring/ smiling/ stubborn/ laughing/ joking/ worrying/ attending/ crying/ praying/ but most of all/ still living/  in all of us.

I found
the
meaning of
Love.

I found the meaning of Family.

Sleep

Why evade me
When I need you?

Charming me from a distance.
Like a sweet memory that
Wasn’t mine to have.

I held on tight
and wept in your arms.
I felt free.  
Really free.
The free that lets go
of years of collected tears.

Like a hammer to a swollen piggy bank
of saved emotions. My tears became pieces of porcelain shattered upon your chest.
Each piece was a part of me I held on to for a future I didn’t know was here.
I wept.
Each breath howling testimonies of forgotten hurts.
I inhaled your words and let go
of a fear that my past was too much to handle.

I inhaled your love
and exhaled love I kept reserved.

My chest burned as if it were opening from a melodic password I wasn’t aware of.

I felt lifted.  

My heart exploded light.
And in your arms,
I felt loved.

Your Kiss is electric
And my body jumps at it
As if it were a basic instinct

These lips will be your bubble gum
Daring you to chew the flavor out
And let your thoughts take a walk

My body will light up for you like a lightning bolt across a night sky
Eagerly seeking your bones to ground me and your hips to grind
And your lips to collide with mine,
Like charged ions finding another
And when what's left leads into something right.
Bright blue electricity flashing hot white

And when the flashing slows
And the roar of our thunder turns into a distant lullaby of afterglow, wind-chimes  and zephyrs,
I will see the stars I chased
And wished upon,
never forgot about me
or my dreams,
Just gave me more days
And different ways
To find you
And
To really recognize you