loving someone with a mental illness is like falling in love with a deciduous tree. the tree remains still in the forest. it's always there but it's leaves are constantly changing. it's happy when it's leaves are a bright green, surging with energy, planning a trip, trying something new. when the leaves get tired they start to fall. turning from auburn to brown and feeling more and more useless the closer that they are to the ground. canceling the trip, losing energy, losing focus while laying there in the dirt. they can't get up. the branches are bare and it's cold. no matter how much love you show, it's leaves will not come back until just enough sunshine shines down. like sunlight through a crack in the window on a rainy day when they can't seem to get out of bed. eventually, buds will begin to form again. something beautiful wants to grow from all the love it has been given. in time it will blossom into something breathtakingly beautiful. so admirable that you can't take your eyes off of it. then you blink. and it all changes suddenly. the cold creeps back and everything you once loved is unrecognizable. you were like a deciduous tree...

our legs hooked like the chain you wore around your neck
bound tightly, sticky, magnificently stuck

your hand gripped my thigh until I turned a deep blue
wounded slightly, discolored, spontaneously struck

a boy was once
everything to me
I left to get my degree
so young and fragile
wore my cap and tassel
set out to find what
it is i’ve been looking for
only to find it was not him
anymore

a man was once
nothing to me
just a sight to see
from across the bar
until I got in his car
and found what it is
i’ve been needing all along
he’s holding my hand
and he’s playing that song

two nights later
in the kitchen light
of his quaint little home
I danced with the man
who I met at the bar
he made me understand
just how naive boys are

two years later
in stain glass light
of the church down the road
I am meant to marry the man
but he never showed.

Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?
Who
Could just be a stranger on the street.
Why
Do I see the pain behind their eyes?
What
Could convince me I’m to advise?
Why
Do I feel I can help everyone grow?
When
It’s my own self I barely know.
Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?
Why
Do flashed smiles skip my heartbeat?
Why
Do you have something I find sweet?
But
I feel so miserably incomplete?
Why
Oh
Why
Do I fall in love with everyone I meet?

The ball drops, it’s twelve o’clock
This a new year twenty-twenty
Pots and pans bang down the block
Celebrating new hopes for many
But shortly in, hope was crushed
When an outbreak came among us
To the hospital everyone rushed
About a new virus they made a fuss
What is this new virus you ask?
It’s called corona and it acts fast
We’re all told to wear a mask
And it seems that this too will last
That’s not all, there’s fires too
Australian woods are in flames
We think not much we all can do
And flip the channel to our games
What’s this? There has been a crash?
Kobe Bryant is down in his plane
The world is shocked, in a flash
They do all they can in his name
Next riots are sprung across cities
From the death of George Floyd
People chant all sorts of ditties
Meanwhile everything is destroyed
Shootings, explosions, and more fire
Twenty-twenty is spiraling down
Such little hope left to inspire
The people of your own town
A new president will carry hope
That we can turn this all around
All we have left to do is vote
And our lost year can be found
They say to prepare for the worst
But yet to hope for the best
Many believe this year is cursed
Twenty-twenty one, you’re up next

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where you are?
Make me feel oh so high
Like a planet in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where we are?

When the feeling goes away
When I beg for you to stay
Then all I can see is black
Twinkle Twinkle, take me back
Twinkle Twinkle little bar
How I wonder, where you are?

A conversation with my love on my anxiety:

"I'm afraid of everything"
"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"Even my fears have fears"
"Your only enemy is you my love"
"I cannot help but shake"
"I'll catch anything you drop"
"I cannot help but cry"
"Each tear that falls I will stop"

I look down.

"I know you're rehearsing replies"
"But my thoughts are all over"
"You must lighten your mind"
"You've got great composure"
"Baby quit being so insecure"
"I can feel their eyes on mine"
"They're only admiring you"
"It sends chills to my spine"

He tilts my head up.

*"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"But darling I'm so afraid"
"They're people not monsters"
"It's my instinct to evade"
"Soon this will be behind you"
"My heart is beating fast"
"Inhale, exhale, breathe slow"
"It's no use I'm an outcast"