i
have
no
reason
to
live
.
.
.
i think
i should talk
to my
psychiatrist
about
that
medication.

i
discovered
im not the only one
here.

there are
a few of us.

all
different ages.

that would
explain the memory gaps

i came back

just like i do
every
year

every time
i
break

and
flow
away
like
dust.

chosen family or birth family?

abuse

or

people who will leave you?


who am i kidding?

everyone is going to leave me.

just disappear

forever,

fall asleep and never wake up.


why can't i?

tell me im a joke to my face
tell me im a **** up to my face

do it.

stop running your mouth behind my back.


i already know you're doing it

so just

please.


stop.

stop using terms that are wrong
stop calling people things that arent true

no,
theyre not insane.

you just dont understand

how mental illnesses work,


sincerely,
a neurodivergent, autistic, and severely mentally ill person.

stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
­stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop
stop

blood is so pretty,
dripping down my thigh,
even though it hurts it’s pleasant to the eye

oh,

how
it hurts.


to say
those three (3)
words.


are you sure?
are you lying to me?

am i just a toy to you?

should i believe you?

i don't.

believe you,

because i dont want to love you back.

but i do,

so.

im lost,

looking for an answer.

i
will
not
wake
up
tomorrow.



goodbye

forever
and
ever


deare­st,
jasper.

SCREAMING,
YELLING,

“PLEASE TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF EACH OTHER”

THINKING OF EVER HAPPY THING YOU DID TOGETHER.

“i love you.”

BEFORE EVERYTHING BROKE.


and now i’m screaming into a void of empty nothingness

i need a way out

i don’t think
you two (2)

know how much

you’re hurting me.

maybe,

you should think of

smarter words,


father.

someimes i get jealous.

what's there not to be jealous about?

she's

perfect.


she replaced me.

and now,


im just a background character.

are you saying sorry because you mean it?

or

is it so
you can finally

leave me

b e h i n d ?

this was an accident

before we started
dating.

we got matching sweaters!

here's

the catch

though.


two matching sweaters
two people dating
a couple.

but,
two different countries.

i have my sweaters,

to remind me

of you.


when i miss you the most

when i need you the most.

ill just
put in on and think about you.

i.
am very
touch starved

why is she messaging you

why is he messaging you

i want to trust you,

i trust you.


maybe i'm not the one.

that's alright.

i guess.

please,
**** me.


i cant take it anymore.

lie to me.

tell me that you love me,

tell me that everything will be okay.



sometimes
you
have
to
lie.

ill use you,
your pretty hole(s)

wouldn't you like that, dear?

all you do is beg and beg,
it gets annoying but
it's okay :)

just be a subby little bottom for me.

maybe
i dont know how to live
on my own
while being comfortable
with being me,
with being not okay,
with living.

but
does it matter?

ill always be left alone

no
matter
what.

my dear,

you are the worst and best thing that has happened to me.

if i didn't know you,
i wouldn't know myself.
i wouldn't know what to do,
i wouldn't know
anything

but,

i would maybe trust myself a little more
i would've taken care of myself

perhaps,

i may have had more friends.


but everything happens for a reason, love.

if you want me to be honest,

if im being honest,

i've healed.
the wounds you've created have healed.

i have forgotten you.

you are nothing but
an inconvenience in the past.


i dont need you anymore.

what is considered home?

is it safe?

is it a happy place?

is it somewhere where you can be you?

but,

i guess i dont anymore

i gave up

on you.

destroyed friendships,
destroyed life,

nothing was okay.


but maybe that’s what you wanted.

maybe us doing this was all part of your stupid game.


a stupid trap.


that we all fell into.