you talked about how we replaced you

used you

played with you

lied to you

cut you out.


but didn’t you do the same?

was i ever enough for you?

or was i just part of your play?

for you to wreck and destroy,


to tell everyone that i’m the villain?

when we were close
when i wasn’t out
when you thought i was faking
when you compared me to her
when you called me names
when you responded to messages
when you cared.

watch me c
                      r
                          u
                              m
                                    b
                                         l
                                            e

surely,

i’ll break soon.

im just glad you told me you needed one

i wonder if ill ever be good enough

maybe you dont love me back'

your voice, it must be cute

just like your lil fluffy hair

cute little cheeks

pretty nose

beautiful lips.


i..

ill pour out my feelings for you again. like we did, a year ago.

yet im not growing.

i

just.. tell me to leave you alone.

doing it again

isnt it ironic how,,

not even a year after you said that,,


you've already left me


and i don't know who you are anymore.

rest in peace pupper,

though i never met you,

you made her so happy and thank you for that.

god i wish i met you but, i love you.

im finding more and more things that i don't like about myself

i need to get things off of my mind

even if its a month or two,

or even longer.

if my feelings stay,

you bet your *** im waiting for as long as it takes

i don’t think i care anymore

no this is stressful it makes me feel so ******* bad

are you playing against me? are you lying? are you ignoring me? i had a winning hand every round yet you said i have nothing. i have nothing

'cause i know you were just playing me,

but it hurts.

made me feel like a better person,

was it half-assed?

yeah.

but i got my point across and let me clear the air.

im sorry.

i forgot what i was going to write

paused, remembering when things were okay

those memories went by in a flash,

and all i could hear were the  voices getting louder

"DROWN YOURSELF"

"**** YOURSELF"

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT"

"YOU'RE UNGRATEFUL"

"THIS ALL HAPPENED BECAUSE OF YOU"

i paused,

" nevermind, no water for me . "

i thought my mom and my happiness was enough, turns out you want more

why can’t you see that?

you’re shouting at me to the point where you break me,

i’m lying on the ground in tears with a booming headache.

you’re putting words into my mouth,

telling me that i’m not trying, rhat i don’t care about anything, that i don’t give a **** about you.

thanks for all those curse words, now i know what i’m worth.

worth nothing

i don’t care about anything because i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

there’s no point in living so

i’m gonna **** myself.

wether that be today , next week or next month.

i’m gonna fuckinf do it

because to you and everyone else here

i don’t mean anything

i’m just a toxic ***** who manipulates everyone

i don’t try hard enough

i don’t care

i don’t give any ***** about everyone

get it all out until you feel better

and peer up and realise you’ve broken me again

you shattered my already shattered pieces

it’s dust floating away

and all i can do is scoop it up and hope that i can rebuild

i believe i have it but im no professional and im not self diagnosing because i will be told that im attention seeking

the more i eat the more i want to *****

but it tastes good,

so i guess i’ll keep going until i throw up.

i say i’m not hungry during the day

to only feed myself so much to the point where i feel sick late at night

i try stopping but the demon keeps saying “keep eating.”

i try eating during the day,

it’s like it flipped a switch

because then the demon says “stop eating you ******”

so who do i believe?


i believe whoever is there at the time