You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,
You simply can't.

Why?
You say I have the perfect life--
From the outside, I guess I do,
No.
You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am
Scolded because
Parents are stressed out with finance,
People,
Me--
Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,
Sweet,
Little brother-- autistic--
Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.
You have never heard the heartbreaking sound
When his anxiety grows and he cries out
In his own pain:
"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?
I'm so dumb I'm so dumb
I'm
So
Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,
Their own tired selves,
Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,
Beautiful,
Talented,
Everything you feel you lack in,
Fall into the wrong crowd,
Now contemplating suicide.
You loved her the whole time,
Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,
Like they did me--
Like I didn't get enough at school,
Never being able to tell friends from fakes,
So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--
One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--
There is none here left to ask questions,
Even the simple ones like
"How are you?"

Death....
Death walks
on two feet
Saunters up
to you and me
Death,
Death comes
In night and day
In sun and rain
In joy and pain
Death comes for us on our day
In our way

Death....
Whisks you away
Takes you away from the pain
Death....
Whisks you away
Whispers are all that remain

Death comes in every shape
Death comes in any form
Silent as a shadow
And violent as a storm

Death...
Death crawls
on all fours
Has no mercy
for kings or ******
Death,
Death comes
For rich and poor
For saintly and sinful
Despised and adored
Death comes to all things in time
Just wait in line

Death....
Whisks you away
Takes you away from the pain
Death....
Whisks you away
Whispers are all that remain

Death comes in every shape
Death comes in any form
Silent as a shadow
And violent as a storm

Death...
Slithers
Into our hearts
And through our veins
Into our art
Death lives
Inside our souls
In all of life
It waits and grows
Death comes each and every day
Hides until it's time to play
again....

You ask me my thoughts,
but how do I tell you I've been considering all the different things I can break to create critical scars on beautiful veins ever since you took my favorite blade?
You remember when we drank strawberry milk out of wine glasses?
Or that time we walked in the rain,
slowing instead of speeding up because
rain doesn't wash anything away
not skin or scars or secrets
and how do I tell you that I don't love you,
and that I really wanted to run that day?
But instead I stare into ocean eyes, smile, and just tell you
I'm lost