Today is the happiest I have ever been
In my entire life
And yet,
I feel sad.
I still have this darkness inside of me,
And I still feel the need to cry
Every time I’m alone.

Why

Why can’t I just be happy
Why do I still have to feel so empty?
I don’t understand
There is nothing more I could need
My life is filled with love and joy
And I am on a righteous path
surrounded by friends
And loved more than ever before
By a boy

This boy
Is all I could have asked for
And more.
I don’t believe in soul mates
But I believe that every time I look at him
I smile
And I feel safe
And happy
And content.

So
Why

Why when I lie in bed at night
Do tears roll down my face.

Why

When I stand in the shower
I scratch at my skin.

Why

When I look in the mirror
I hate what I see.

Today I realized
That this darkness that is inside
Will stay
Forever
And today
I must learn how to live
Side by side
My happy and my sad
My smile and my tears
My love and my hate
Because that’s what makes us human
And that’s what makes us
Alive.

There.
I said it.
Plain and simple on the page.
But do I feel better?
No.
I still feel so many other things.
Anger. Sadness. Regret.
But do I hate you?
No.
I loved you.
I cared for you
More than I did for myself.
I could never hate you.
And that’s the thing I hate the most.

It’s like I’ve redacted all the bad memories
Because I want to be the bigger person
And move on
But they visit me in my dreams
More like nightmares.

Do you even remember
All the things you’ve said?
Do you ever still think about
All the things you’ve done
Because I do
More than I should.
The times you told me I was too skinny
Too fat
Too loud
Too friendly
Like a sick game of Simon says.
You played me like a puppet
And yet you came out the victim
Because I cut the toxic thread.
Do people actually believe the ******* that comes out of your mouth?
What a shame.

You invaded my body and my mind
With your words.
You stripped me of myself
And molded me into what you wanted.
What you thought you wanted.
My insides are covered in scars
That no one else can see.
Not even me
But I know they’re there.
Because I’m not the same as I was.
Everyday
Since the day I told you I wanted to go separate ways
Was a battle
With myself.
I had to re learn to live
To be me again
Like a baby taking its first step.
I had to break out of that shell that you had put inside of me.
And it hurt.
So much.

How did I ever become this person.
I don’t even know how it happened.
You lured me in with everything that I ever wanted.
Love.
Passion.
Friendship.
And then you took it all away and showed the monster that was inside.
But I was stuck
And I was blind
I didn’t want to give up
Suddenly it’s been almost 3 years
968 days to be exact
And the only thing I’d given up on was myself.

Nobody came to free me
Or rescue me
Or steal me
I ******* freed myself
I slayed the dragon in my life
But nobody talks about what happens next.
The darkness that surrounded me.
The dragon was dead
But his scales and claws were still inside of me.
I had to carve them out
Piece by piece
As I cried every night
Scared that I would never be whole again
Horrified that this would happen again
Not to me
But to someone else
The next girl you called your muse
And your only reason for life.

How dare you.
How dare you play with someone
like you played with me.
You have issues
I know
Everybody does.
But that’s no excuse.
That is not a reason for you to throw out empty threats
That didn’t seem so empty to me.
You said that if I left
You would give up your career
You said that if I left
You’d never recover from the trauma
You said that if I left
You’d never see another day.
How
Dare
You
Because I believed you.
And I couldn’t bare the thought of you hurting yourself
So I decided to hurt me instead.

I know you still talk about me
And a part of me craves the knowledge
Of knowing what it is.
But thoughts like that is what keeps me awake at night.
I want to look you in the eyes and scream
And kick
And cry
And tell you all of these things that have been bottled inside for so long
But I cant
And I won’t
Because in all honesty
I pray
That I never
Ever
See your face
Again.