Someone who means a great deal to me once said that you can’t find love. You can’t go searching for it, it finds you. It finds you out of nowhere and once it’s there you can’t ignore it. I thought that was a cute way of putting things and continued on with life, waiting for love to find me. But then I got impatient and tried to find it on my own, but it never happened. I was terrified of relationships for some unknown reason or past trauma, and I never found it. Until it found me.
It steamrolled me completely out of nowhere and I didn’t see it coming. It was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me because it was beautiful to feel so deeply for someone and not feel any fear to let myself fall. For my best friend, someone I could spend hours talking to.
Only you didn’t feel it too. Apparently you can ignore it, or maybe fate is sick and twisted and Cupid only hit me.
So I love you. I love you and I can’t stop and it absolutely ***** because you don’t feel the same way for me. I know even if you did we’d never work out and yet if you sat me down and tried to convince me of all the reasons we would always be wrong for each other and never right, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
Trust me, I wish I could. I wish I hated you instead, or just didn’t care at all.
But I can’t stop. You could break my heart ten times over and I wouldn’t be able to stop. I don’t understand why but it’s just a fact.
I’ll always wonder why I’m not good enough or if maybe you’ll ever change your mind.
Maybe one day I’ll stop, finally get over it, but for now I’m stuck here never being able to get over you. I can’t move on, I can’t stop hurting, I can’t stop loving you. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel this way about someone again, or if I manage to get over you if I even want to, because I don’t ever want to be crushed like this again.
Because I love you. And you don’t love me.

I’ll wake up at 9 AM
Get ready while listenin’ to One Direction
I’ll wear something cute
Then be out the door
Because the world is so big
And there’s so much to explore
I’ll head down Ninth Avenue
To my favorite coffee shop
But once I’m done there I go to my next stop
Head to the beach
Catch some waves
Watch the tide
That’s my perfect day

The thing I want most in life
Isn’t going to happen for a long time
But to anyone who will listen
I’ll tell you what it is
My dream over all
Is to be a mom
To create life and nurture it
It’s the thing I want most
And I can’t wait to boast
About my wonderful child
And all they’ve accomplished
To have a tiny little hand reach around my finger
And love me simply because I’m his mother
To experience everything through tiny little eyes
And watch their first steps
And first words
And every single little first you could imagine
To be tired and worn at the end of the day
But be grateful for the tiny little one who’s stolen my heart away
To hold them close when they get scared
And teach them what it means to care
I can’t wait to pick them up from school
And hear them cry, “Mommy!”
As they run to hug me
My dream is simple
I know it’s not grand
But I can’t wait to hold my baby
And be able to say I’ve got the whole world in my hands

My favorite flavor is your lips against mine
When the world fades away
And I lose track of time
My favorite feeling is when you grab my waist
And pull me in close
As if you’re scared I’ll run away
My favorite thing is that look in your eyes
When you tell me you love me
More than the amount of stars in the sky
You’re my favorite, plain and simple
I especially love when you smile
And how on the right you have a dimple
There’s something about you
I’m not even sure what it is
You came into my life
And took me by surprise
I never thought I’d get so lucky
As to call you mine

You’re still my screensaver
Even after all this time
I have to hide my screen from wandering eyes
I should know better than to keep your picture staring back at me
But what’s a girl to do
If I can’t get myself over you
I’ll keep this lie until the end
Tell ‘em all you’re just a friend
But you’re still my screen saver

Can we be each other’s screensaver?
Because we just can’t get enough
So that every time I open up my phone
I get to see the face of my true love
Your picture is a reminder of so much love
When you hold me close
And kiss me hard
And tell me I’m more beautiful than all the stars
I love you now
I’ll love you then
So let’s be each other’s screensavers
And even when apart we can look at each other’s face often

I opened up my journal
And at the top I wrote “What I’m Feeling Right Now”
Lost
Because I don’t know what choice to make
I’m worried I’ll do something I hate
Scared
For the world I live in to change
That my children will grow up in a place
Where they and their freedoms aren’t safe
Restless
Because I drank 2 cups of coffee with dinner
And now the chances of me sleeping tonight are wearing much thinner
Longing
To talk to them
To that person who claimed they were my friend
But I haven’t heard from since I don’t know when
Lonely
Because I moved away
From all the things I knew and loved
Sad
Because of everything going on in the world right now
Unsure, overwhelmed, anxious, and unloved
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
My life is pretty great
I’m in one of those slumps
Where nothing feels ok
I miss them, I miss him, I miss being a kid
I wish things made sense again
I wish these weren’t the feelings I was feeling right now
But I can’t change that, now can I?