He takes my hand,
I feel and I don't
I feel pressure and warmth
Not the butterflies or glow

He is trustworthy
I let him in and I don't
I open my soul because he'll respect it
But I'm on edge in case he won't

We talk like time is expendable
I get lost in him and I don't
Because it's so easy to let go
But I've lived all this before

And I know that something is wrong
But don't know what it is because

My heart feels numb
My head feels hollow
I hold back like everything depends on it
I lead, too afraid to follow

Because my last flame was so bright
That it ended with me burned
I hope I'm still just healing
Scars fading into lessons learned

And if that is not the case
Then the damage is deeper
Than skin, tissue, or bone
Making every sensation cheaper

That means it's down to the nerve
And my heart will never quite feel
That I'll never be the same
Because nerve damage doesn't heal

I wish I were someone
Who never forgot how to smile

But I did

So now I want to be someone
who always forgets to stop

New Year, but no new you

Just be the same you

Who fails and tries again
'Till your face is blue

Because the year will come that
You see that you’re better than new

You'll be a diamond, no rough
Your worth, finally, in full view

What a sad thing
That she fears compliments from men
Because one or more of them
Made her feel unsafe
For all they said she was

I know you had to leave
So thank you for leaving
Pieces of you behind
In everything you loved

I'll seek them like a treasure hunt
And they'll find me when I fall
And they'll make smile with my heart
Until we meet again

What part of the words on the page
Unravels my confusion
And extinguishes my rage

I could just succumb to sleep
Or peruse a book
Or fall to my bed and weep

But forever and ever I return
To paper and pen
To work away the burn

You called for me, asked me to find you

and I looked

But I never found you

Because I was looking for the man
you told me you were

Too bad he doesn't exist

What is a perfect storm?
Something beautiful? Something wonderful?
Something tragic? Something terrible?

Do you wish it had never wreaked havoc?
Do you wish sometimes it would come back?
Was the magic worth the madness?

I wonder and wonder and wonder
When you left, If you were worth
The world you tore asunder.

Live, burn, and rise from the ashes
Never really dying
Because their end's
A magnificent beginning

Living in bright colors
Catching every eye
As they fly on by
Born for the spotlight

Famed for their flaming rose
How have I never seen the thorns?
Yes they live forever
They they must burn to be reborn

And after their fiery end
They wake again
To the jealousy of the masses
And the promise of future pain

Write a verse
Write a phrase
Without direction
Hazy maze

Drink the vinegar
Filled with rage
Cut my heart
Feel the pain

Sink in the bizarre
It'll write so nice
Wander alone
'Till I'm frozen in ice

Chance upon love
Hope it lasts
Joy fades quick
So pen it all fast

Pick your poison
It's a tool
It's ink for art
A poem's fuel

The greatest love I've ever been shown
Was to be seen at my most invisible
And to be loved at my most despicable

It sustained me til I could become
What I thought was impossible

I enjoy my lab and goggles
I love my church and scripture
But my soul longs for ball gowns
And my heart awaits adventure

I'll make a good scientist
A faithful wife and Christian
But still I dream of princes
And righting unrightoeus dominion

For while I have a scholar's mind
And all I've ever learned is reality
I was born with a writer's blood
And would rather breathe in fantasy

You never said I was too much
But you acted like I was

So I curled up to make myself smaller
I pretended I didn't know so I was dumber
I put a break between every action
And my reaction so I could protect myself
And suddenly I was a problem
And the solution was to break me
And really it's not that hard
To destroy something

But no one tells you that breaks make micro fractures
And life's regular wear makes you break even faster

That shrinking meant letting part of you die
So it's slower, it takes longer to again be that high

And by the time you learn that people loved you as you were
You're so far away from the past, you can no longer see her

But if you can get back to the beginning
Where you were incredible
Simply because you were living

All the growth and intelligence
Back to a personality effervescent
You'll be rooted all the more firmly in your present

Because now you'll know that ground lost
Is not progress irredeemable
But a fight that can be won again
And royalty is more that an environment regal

Have you ever been hurt so bad,
That the thought of it all,
Causes an emotional relapse?

And you live the nightmare over again,
Because the small thing in your life now,
Reminds you of diaster of then.

A 99% difference in everything,
But it's enough,
Just that one little thing.

So you tear up your growth,
You hide in the dirt,
From the possible futures good, bad, or both.

Because in your periphery you see,
What looks like the past catching up,
And you'd do anything to be free.

You'd cuts ties with the good and the new,
Ruining it all because,
Survival clouds your view.

And you would have ruined it all
Except you take back the reins
Far too strong to fall

You've made it too far
Become something different
And moved up the bar

A pheonix in creation
You'll always come back better
From relapse to rehabilitation

I used to think the worse thing
Was feeling my mind dying
In the blackness, in the pain
But there's something worse than that bane

It's the shifting gravel below me that begins
   To trickle off the cliff, into the wind
       Knowing that I will follow in stride
         And nothing I can do will turn the tide

You'll never see tomorrow's sunrise.
Were you afraid it wouldn't come?

Was the darkness too empty?  
Or the night too long?
Was last night for you this lonely?

Would this horizon have made you smile?
Or one more worry for the list?

Were the demands on you too great?
Was there a tipping point I missed?
Or something that could've made you stay?

I was built like Rome

And burned like it too

And the wreckage was overwhelming


So I focus on the little fixes

Till the tune ups add up and

I can be proud of the person I built from ashes

On your marks...

Get set...

And the gun fires

Some start the race fast
Others slow
But you can bet that the runners
Around you will change
As the race goes

I've gone fast
And slow
I've tripped, fallen
and even stopped walking.
I was ready for everything

Everything but this
We ran side by side
Not always talking
But always there

Then you were gone
You quit, you left
The race for you is over
But I must run on
Even as my heart breaks
And my feet ache

Tell me again
Where I am safe again
The house I'm within?
In the crowd of a million?
Anywhere the sun is shinin'?

Do you really believe this?
Because I really believed this
'Til I met those who readily dismiss
The rules on which we subsist
Who turn safety into an abyss

Because that's the thing about being safe,
We aren't the only ones who get a say
And it's not hard for another to take it away

They speak sand
A million grating opinions
A blinding, scathing storm
Made to leave you raw

They speak sand
So take it with a grain of salt
And douse the world in water
So instead of raw, you're polished

I wish I were an evergreen
My faith never withering
My hope bright and alive
With needles stretching heaven ward

Instead I am deciduous
Fleeting, changing, temperamental
So affected by the world
So changed by my environment

Bursting forth in green and flower
In beautiful spiritual moments
Shriveling in the cold bitterness
Of sin's frigid wind

If I am trapped in my nature
Bound by my genetics
Then let me at least fulfill
The measure of my creation

Let my springs be eye-catching
So others can see Thee in me
Let my summers be long
Leaves wide as I soak in the Son

Let my autumns be short
And let my sins fall fast
Let my winters be teachers
Help me to prepare and endure them well

Until I stand before thee
Full of good fruit
Until I can spring up into everlasting life
Purified and made perfect by You

If all they see of me is you


That's okay


They saw all they needed to

Wait long enough
And you can see mental health

In sunny smiles
Or suspicious scars
In honesty or
Insomnia
In a growing circle
Or a new addiction

And unless it's reversed
It's grows and grows till you know
With certainty not suspicion

They say, "don't be shallow"

But there, at least you can't be drowned

They say, "I want someone deep not hollow"

But

Deep water is where devils are found

What are you waiting for?
Life changers, society shakers
Don't need to wait for something more

Strike that match and start a fire
One that catches in everyone's hearts
One that lives to inspire

Don't wonder any longer
Just jump and ***** the warning label
You were ALWAYS stronger

Bold colors fade, not disappear
Bright lights go out,
Long before their glow clears

Let the next generation
Grow up in a world where they
Never knew the absence of your creation

You look great!
You lost a little weight
Even prettier than before
Don't hold out on us anymore

What is your secret?

What do I say now?
Diet? Kale instead of cow
Exercise? A little sweat on the brow
Should I share a hard truth or easy lies?

What if I said

Anxiety actually
Destroys my skin, my sleep
The last sheds of my sanity
But hey, at least I'm skinny

Do you think it hurts more
To suffer in silence,
when an answer is possible?

Or to finally speak up,
to not be understood and
return to a quiet sigil?

You will never find a simple person
They simply don't exist
Everything you learn
Adds another turn
To the maze of their subconscious

You can never adore a simple person
For contrast is reality
It's the victories they've squandered
And the way they've pushed onward
That makes them truly lovely

You may think what you'd like to think
Choose whatever lens you'd like to view me
Happy, healthy, put-together, carefree
There are only two things that really means
Either you look and don't know how to see
The marks my mind left on my body
Or you are the audience of my scene
You see a dazzling smile, a gleaming sheen
All the pretty lights made for distracting
You view reality in this my crafted dream
So pick the poison that tickles your fancy
My deceit wasn't meant maliciously
Only meant to hide where I'm weak
and I guess it's working
They see only someone succeeding
Not the girl who is sinking

Today was the sky was sad
It cried and cried so I cried too
Mom said it was okay
Because the raindrops bring little flowers

Clouds fell down all the way to the ground today
And the whole world disappeared
Dad said it was okay
Because it's easier to play Hide and Seek

Today I stayed up so so late
That I got scared when all the light was gone
***** said it was okay,
Because now the little lights can shine too

Today I wondered about
the bad things in the world
But brother said it was okay
Because they were just good things in disguise

You changed the climate

With just a passing compliment,

You were the rain,

That fell on an arid desert plain

Your kindness fell on me

And it no longer hurt to breathe

The walls are made of plaster
And the bench is made of stone
The music made of nothing
And red cars are made of metal

But no they are all made of sponge

The walls hold your words
Ones that bounces off on their way to me
The bench holds your shape
Huddled broken against the cold

The music traps your voice
I feel it break my heart with every note
Red cars send me running
Thinking you must surely be inside

Your shadow selves must be paint
Spattered on every place you touched
Because how else can everything
Remind me of you so horribly

How can I hear that song
Or lean against those walls
Without coming away soaked
Covered in memories of you

You said, "I love what you wrote"
But they were more than words

They were my apart of my soul made visible
A corner of my mind made accessible

So I heard, "I love your soul"
And my heart felt full

I know that I did this
That I chose to leave

But while it only took an hour
To pack up all my things

It will take longer to fill in
The places, where you used to be

To remember it's not worth it
Even if now my heart's a little empty