I thought I was smart enough
Not to fall back in the same hole
So why am I here again? Why,
Do I keep ripping up my own soul?

"Have hope, don't give in"
but here I am again, burned
Stop telling me you care,
I'm tired of watching your back, turned

I'll never belong with you, that's the lesson
Maybe this time, I'll have actually learned

Ready player one?
Hit start, the game has begun
Taking every shot
Anxiety on the rocks

Getting tired of beginning
Favorites are boring
Color, season
Music, the reason

Until that lucky jump
Finally leveling up!
And then talks get deep
And every fall is steep

Every tiny victory
Building false security
Three lives left, failure far
Talking of houses, kids, and cars

Standing at the threshold
At the final stronghold
Armed with a ring
Fearing nothing

Then he pulls the cord
The connection felt goes cold
Hope without substance
It's just you and the ashes

Robbed of even a game over
You restore the game's power
As a level one encore
That still dreams of the highest score

Once I wondered if I show give my poems to those whom they are about

To show them the pain that leak out of my pen in between the anger and regret

I wondered if giving them my anguish cloaked in paper would free me

Would the ink from the page seep into their fingers and stain them, like they did me

And I want it; I want it like broken glass shards want to cut, to give the pain away

As if additional pain ever made a glass cup whole again, able to be filled again

But then I remembered that I was the victim not perpetrator and I never will be like them

So I will show my pain to the world not in vengeance but anonymity

If I voiced my pain
Could you hear it?

Or would it be more static
In the white noise?

This moment I wouldn't change,
Is worth all the moments I would change
And I'd keep every one of them
And live the awful all over again
For just one more moment like this

I'm not the cursing kind
But if I was, this'd be the moment
To find out that you thought
You could be the author of this poet

You sat there and believed
That if you used my words and voice
And spoke as though you were me
You could dictate my choice

But now I am aware
I'm awake and angry
And a little betrayed
Even if I shouldn't be

Because of course
You'd tear me down inside
That's the job you gave yourself
After you ruined your own life

I let you tell me who I am
I didn't even put up a fight
But now you've really mess it up
Because now I see the light

It's time you stood to the side
I hope it hurts to watch me grow
More than you ever said I could
More than even I now know

Because the evil I've seen in me
So much of it was actually you
As you masterminded my meanest thoughts
Had me speak them as if they're true

So as I close my eyes and mouth to you
I'll make sure my ears join in
For I won't play your games anymore
And by walking away I win

I win a better world for me
One where I live bolder
And believe the best of me
Having cast the devil off my shoulder

I make all these realizations
And after all this time
I stand to look at the mirror
And the face I see is mine

"Just marry him already!
What are you waiting for?"

Except I am not the brakes here
I'm not in control

He has the wheel
And isn't sure of the destination

So I'll bear my soul
And then be prepared for the distance

This moment is precious
To someone who no longer has many more

So hug your mom
Who spent her moments caring for you

Conquer that fear
That makes you feel trapped today

Call a friend
And memorize the sound of their laugh

Take a deep breath
And be grateful for this perfect second

Kiss your sweetheart
You'll never regret one more I love you

Because this moment is precious
To someone who longer has many more

Kindness silences suffering
It binds up the untrusting heart
And sings hope back into life

"If you love something let it go,
If it love you, it'll come back"

An idea all must try
But what if testing the theory
Leaves me terrified?

One go is all I have.
Failure means a future
Blurred in the unknown.

But I can't live everyday
Ever wondering
if she can't love me.

So I look her in the eyes
Across the mirrored divide
And I let myself go

I let go of my grudges,
Of my criticisms,
And my cynicism

I let her take all my hope
All my confidence
Willing to suffer the consequence

Let the door to my heart
Hang wide on it's hinges
In faith that I'll come back

Be careful where you choose
To spend your effort

Because the efforts of
A billion celestial beings
Still burn in our skies
Centuries after they have gone silent

And you, you are no less
Incredible to behold

I don't know what to write today
I didn't do anything

Well, then go do something
That's worth writing about

So I lived a life
Worth remembering

There is a road
you can only walk once
where every left footprint
is the last of its kind
and every new step,
is an adventure unique

For the road we have walked
crumbles away behind, empty
And the path we will walk
has yet to be built, a void
only the place we stand
truely belongs to us

But up aways, far into the fog
a vague light glows bright
calling us to a tomorrow
signaling the end of the road
the turn in the path
onto one that never ends

The sky cried
The day I realized
With all the goodbyes
I'd lost my will to rise

All I'd trusted were gone
Three had moved on
Two had withdrawn
One had played me like a pawn

I began to rome
Soul broken and alone
Heart as cold as chrome
Realizing I had no home

He wanted to prove his love
So he shot down a star for me
But it must have fallen far away
Because I waited a long time
In the darkness he left behind
And now? I only wish he'd come back.

Did I ever really love you?

Or did I just want to make sure that someone loved you?

Did you ever really love me?

Or did you just love the idea of me?

Why are you hollow
If you love me?
                                              
                          Because you'll never        
                             love me equally

Why leave if you
really want to stay?

                          Because I need you to    
                                fade back to 2D

Why do you not
want our reality?

                           Because you're just    
                                  a beautiful
                                     fantasy.

.....Do you really
think this will work?

                             .....I don't know,
                              but I have to try  
                                   something

A Fairytale Opening Of perfect Love
All Forgiving Offenses, Opaque Lenses

Until

All Fault On me, Offering peaceable Lies
And Feeling Outcast as Opposed to Lover

So I leave broken, having learning a lesson
I was A FOOL for loving you

Love is good morning texts
And always reaching for you

It's going out of my way
And a surprise rose or two

But it's also

Torrential downpour days
Tough talks, and hard truths

It's forgiving and learning
And having your back too

Because I love you more

Than easy days and
Butterflies at my core

More than ferris wheel rides
And london bus tours

Because

I plan on forever
Every good, every bad

And a love that lasts
Built the hard work of our past

Everywhere I go is doused in memories

And oh how I wish we'd made less

I don't how you traveled the space
That exists between us now
You left no footsteps in your wake
Or maybe your stride was far too great

But we still talk you and I
At a time that others trade for dreams
I tell you of how my days go by
And you show me the stars in your sky

We find ways our nights to fill
You working and listening
While I sit and talk on my window sill
Fighting the exhaustion eating at my will

Because dawn breaks soon
And the day's needs are close
Goodbye until the sky's maroon
I'll miss you today my man in the moon

On the first of a million dates,
I became your valentine.
On our millionth day together,
I took your last name as mine.

You were a million miles away,
When our family of two became three
I never saw in million daydreams
How much she could change you and me

And she’s changed in a million ways
Since you last held her safe from harm
But now as a million bombs fall,
You cradle death not life in your arms.

Of the million times you’ve left before
I never feared forever would end
Now we pray for a million and first time,
When we can hold you close again

Maybe I can't change the world
But I can change how I see it
And no one can take that from me

So I choose to see the good

Perhaps I am a victim of circumstance
But then why would I give away more
And let another decide how I will react

So I choose to laugh in the rain

Instead of adding to it

Even if Misery loves Company
Is it right for them to be together?

What if Misery drags Company
Into an abyss that lasts forever?

Maybe,

But Company sees Misery,
That she was called Joy in days long past.

And Maybe,

Company can remind Misery
Of who is was and Hope can guide her back.

I hurt him again
With the choices I made

I tell him to move on
To give up on me

I'll never be better
I think on my knees

He kneels down next to me
I wait for him to get angry

He reaches out
I pull away flinching

He keep going
Takes my hand gently

He pulls me up
While I look down at my feet

He pulls me in
"I know what you did"

I cry into His shoulder
"It's okay I forgive, like it never happened"

The weight on my soul falls
And again I am free to better than I was

Because God so loved the world
And imperfect little me

That He sent a perfect Son
To close the distance between Him and me

Today I promise,
To take the weaknesses that tripped me
And walk with more purpose tomorrow

Today I promise,
To give away my sins to you
And let it nourish my gratitude

Today I promise,
To look up from my pain
And let it fuel my compassion for another

Today I promise,
To be better than I've ever been
For I know more now than ever before

I wonder if you realize

That the nose you wish to change
Was your grandfather's

That the mouth you wish was fuller
Is just like your aunt's

And your entirely unmanageable hair
Is from your father

That you are carrying your mother with you
Every time you laugh

And your beautiful little sister and you
Will lose your last name but not that freckle on your left hand

You're a mosaic of everything that has been loved before
And will be loved again in you

I saw you today
And my eyes were totally clear
I saw you today
And they didn't fill with tears

Because

My heart felt you today
And it didn't ache and crack
My heart felt you today
And it didn't take me back

Because

My hands touched you today
And didn't long to linger
My hands touched you today
And didn't cling to your fingers

Because

My ears heard you today
And didn't hang on the sound
My ears heard you today
And I didn't hear the blood pound

Because

My feet passed you today
And didn't wait for you
My feet passed you today
And didn't run for you

Because

My mind thought of you today
And didn't drag up the past
My mind thought of you today
And told me it was over at last

In a circumstance, where I did nothing bad
Somehow I am still the monster

You wreaked havoc with him, I held my peace
And no one knew your misdeeds

I bore alone my broken mind
All in the name of being kind

Until you decided the destruction was his
And you were the victim

So you told your tale to the masses
And gained all their sympathy

And I said nothing, I lost my chance to tell my side
What do you care, you have a ring and a guy

And me? I am still in silent pain
Because only a monster blames the victim

"Home again home again
My my it's been a while"
My old demon sneers
With his sickening smile

"Hope you didn't dream
I'd never come back"
He scowls and snarls
"You're not lucky 'nough for that"

I shiver in shock
Then shatter and shrink
I thought I was free
The only thing I can think

"You aren't free at all
Never were, never will be"
He says, his shadow surrounding
"Never enough to beat me"

Deep in my darkening mind
A little light doesn't give in
Stalwart and small, it says
Not by much but we're stronger than then

The little candle isn't enough
To dispel my old demon
But enough to build myself on
A hope to believe in

I can't hold you close anymore

But I'll hold on to our memories
And like you, live my life with zeal

And I'll hold our photos in my pocket
Each one, proof that you were real

And all the pennies you send from heaven
That mean you still love me too

And grasp tight the promise that
In the future, I can once again hold you