Defining Myself
You see as much we
Try to define ourselves
The only thing we are doing
Is scrambling in the
Darkness;
Knocking things over,
Never going anywhere.

Just an eternal cycle of
Pain and destruction
As each of the
Conventional molds reject us,
Telling us that we’ll
Never fit in.

Because we are truly
Shapeshifters;
Taking on whatever
Form is needed
To survive in this
Cruel place humans
Call home.

Who am I?
I try to find out
But the more I search
The more I get
Lost.

I want to sleep;
I am not allowed.
I can't escape;
I am not allowed.

I feel like I am
Sinking in quicksand;
And the walls are too high
To see out of.

It's been so long
Now I don't even know
If I want to see out.
I am stuck;
And I don't know if
I want to get out anymore.

When You finally leave me
Will u do it like a knife?
Quick and clean
No putting it back together
I dont want to have hope
And then have it crushed like an ant.
When u stay
I am confused.
I never know what to do
So unconsciously I make
A decision
To push u far away
Never will I be hurt again
Why?
Because I will always hurt u
First
"Don't come back" I say
Yet u always come back
"Please leave me" i say
But ur always by my side
U love me
And I will never admit it
But I love u too

I am still new
New to people,
New to speech,
Still new to myself.

I am still learning,
Trying and failing.
I am a pioneer,
I am Blazing my own path
Through this world.

I am sorry if
I can't communicate,
Still learning about
words,
people,
holding on,
and letting go.

I am sorry if I offend you.
Still learning about
remembering,
and forgetting,
to keep,
and let go.

I am still learning how to
         LOVE

Never again
Is once upon a time.
Now it is always and forever
because it never, ever stops.

The cycle never ends,
The pain,
The love,
The beauty,
The destruction.
I can't stop it
so why do I even try?

I am pushing at a door that won't budge,
I am walking down an endless corridor
With pictures on the wall.

Pictures of children and couples
who smile and play and dance.
They plead with me to keep going,
that there is an end to this corridor.
The only thing I have to do is
            persevere.

Why does everyone tell
me to push on through?
That I'll make it?
That I am stronger than I think?

I know this.
I am a survivor.
But how long will that last
if I have no one to survive for?

They say the world is worth living,
but all the people who made it worth living
are gone.

So is it really?
There is pain, and death, and destruction
everywhere I look.
So who am I living for?

Those people?or myself?
I am not sure anymore

Never again will I
Be able to think of you
Without remembering
The pain you caused me.
I never did anything
But I was always the problem,
Always the scapegoat
In your life.
Well, now I'm leaving;
I can't stay.
Too many memories,
Too many hurts.
Are you happy now?
Of course not.
You never are.

Everywhere is quiet.
Family is in bed,
But I can't sleep.
1 in the morning
Alone with my thoughts.
Thats when the demons come.
I dont sit in the quiet anymore.
Sound is my solitude.
Music, videogames, movies, and Youtubers.
White noise and talking to my animals.
My life isn't living.
Its a routine that I do.
I have no emotion in any of my actions.
Needs, and have toos I do.
Desires have long since departed.
Thoughts are not to be thought
but pushed deep into my forgotten memories.
Thinking is too realise
And realization is to spiral down
Down into somewhere that is hard to come back from.
My life is
Hell on Earth.
If i die, my hell will be this world.
If i die, this world will be my karma.
If i die will i even realise it?