I smile
And I laugh
I have to
I can’t let them see
I’m suffering
How I can’t breath
While I’m crying in the dark
I don’t want them to ask
‘Are you okay?’
Because I don’t want to answer
“No, I’m not”
Because I feel like I’m drowning
In my own ocean of woes
But they won’t care
They’ll send me off with words of promise
And I’m back
Alone
In the dark

I want to flip my hair
I want to laugh
I want to date a football player
I want to be popular


I want to climb a mountain
I want to bungee jump
I want to tame a tiger
I want to feel dangerous

I want to have a 4.0 GPA
I want to have straight A’s
I want to get accepted into Yale
I want to be a genius

I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to be with my friends deep into the night
I want to dress up, wear cute clothes
I want to write
I want to bake
I want to become a lawyer
I want to be me


I can’t be me
I can’t commit to anything
I can’t stay true
I can’t stay true to myself
I can’t stay true to the ones I love
I can’t stay in one place


I have to stop
I have to make better choices
I have to study
I have to make better of myself

When I look in the mirror
Pick, point, and pull
Pull at my belly fat
Pick at my face
And point to my tears
“Crybaby”

To teach the word of God
I had to sign a slip
"Homosexuality is a sin"
The Lord's ears were deaf to my cries
To be perfect in God's eyes
I can't love women
Maybe I should be punished for my sins

I see you smile to yourself



Leap for joy
Over the moon for you
Very pretty
Everyone says


Your hand feels warm
On my own
Untouchable dream

I crawl
Up towards the secret
Kept between the lips of
Mother
Grandmother
and grandfather

A step
A creak
A flinch
A step

I watch
The Doors


I step
And step

Then
I stop

The must
of
The old
Clothes
Furniture
Long forgotten
Wasting their days
Singing a song
Of when they were used

A prom dress
Sang a song
Of her first dance
Her first kiss


A couch
Told story
Of woe
A widow's
Tears forever stained
On the back


A long white dress
Hummed a tune
Of Love
Though
Love forgotten
In the midst of a war'

The scent
Of history lingered
Her family's story
Seeping though


The emotions
The tears
The laughter
It's still here
But the memories
Seeping through the cracks