You're supposed to go through
All these things in life
But I'm stuck
Not moving forward

Stuck in this endless loop of despair
Of self hatred
Of being beat down
Of wishing I was dead

Stuck in the past of her
Stuck in the past of overthinking
Stuck in the future with my life in my hands
Stuck in the future where I don't know if my life would end

I'm just stuck
In one place
Alone and
Scared

Help me.

When you have seen the worst of me
Crying until I cannot see
Always overthinking
Sinking

When you have seen my heart turn to ice
Being everything but nice
Depressed for no reason
Every **** season

Pushing away the people in my life
Slitting my wrist with a knife
When the floor is covered in blood
And these tears flood

If by then I'm still the one you like
Then maybe, just maybe it's worth the fight
Worth trying
Worth crying

Dark and twisted
Is your shallow mind
Stringing me like a puppet
I am no slave to your deception
I am not controlled by feelings

I haven't written in a while
I'm not sure if it's because
I'm happy
I'm sad
Or I just feel nothing

All I know is
The random beating of the heart
From happy to sad to nothing
Remains a mystery

Every day I wake up with
The Pandora's box of feelings

I live day to day
People asking me
"how are you?"
"I'm fine"

How do you look someone in the eyes
And tell them
That you're at the lowest you've ever been
That you...

Turn up the music
To drown the noise
The voices telling you to end it all
To silence the sounds of your sobs as you cry yourself to sleep

"I'm fine"

In this world
We are all just searching
Searching for our other half
The other piece of our puzzle

What if I finally found mine?
What if I finally found the other piece?
One that's just as broken as I am
One that fits perfectly

But I can't have her
I can't hold her
I can't feel her hand in mine
We are worlds apart

Yet again left with a broken heart
I didn't choose to play this part
I do everything right
I stand up and fight

But it leaves me with nothing
Now I'm stuffing
These feelings inside
Said I was fine, but I lied

I'm a liar and I lie everday
To those closest to me I say
I'm fine thanks
Drinking until my memory is blanks

I understand now
Exactly why and how
People drink pills
It gives me the chills

Drinking their nights away
Hoping these demons they'll slay
Smoking their lungs black
Living on crack

Even suicide
Wasn't on my side
Tried it, didn't work
He's looking down at me with a smirk

Letting me suffer more by the day
This game ***** and I don't want to play
I always end up losing
The pain it's abusing

My soul is turning black I feel within myself
Take out my heart and put it on the shelf
Repairing the broken parts
The world is without hearts

What did I do to deserve this
Stuck in the pitch black ibis
I'm the only one who thinks I don't deserve it
I'm sick, done with this ****

Put the gun against my head and pull the trigger
My problems keep getting bigger
With my dying breath I'll whisper your name
Hoping someday you'll feel the same

I always thought that
Being a good guy means that
You get the good girls
The ones that won't just toy with you
Instead of trying to get into her pants
I just want to cuddle
Go on cute dates
Stay up late together
Holding her hand

But here I am
Heart in a million pieces
Crying myself to sleep
Because I'm soft
I'm sensitive
I care
And I fall

I understand now why most guys
Why most guys aren't nice

What do I do when you play with my heart?
Throw it around like we're playing fetch.
Beat it to get rid of your frustrations.
Use it when you want to feel good enough.
What do I do when all you do is hurt me and all I do is love you?

If only you could love me like I do you
If only you can care about me like I care for you
If only you could understand how I feel
If only it were that simple

I write my feelings on paper
Express myself through words
Letting the dark corners of my soul
Drip dry like a pen on paper
But what do I do when my words are gone?
What do I do when I have nothing to say?
Wil the pain inside me grow?
Wil I explode under the pressure?
What wil become of this stuff I lock in my head?
I need to empy the ocean of feelings swelling inside me
But I am speechless.

With every nerve
Firing like a bolt of lightning
Light tremors sent crawling
Down to my fingers, I'm shaking

Feeling every touch
Time slowing
In this moment
It is just us and nothing else

Heads turning slowly
I feel you stroking my hand
Feeling you sigh heavy breaths on my cheek
Your heart racing just like mine

Down to my fingers, I'm shaking
I feel your lips meet mine
My body floods with adrenaline
Why is this the best thing I've ever felt

Tonight I lay in my bed again
Crying
My memories are flashing through my brain
Crying
Wil this deep sadness swallow my soul?
Crying
I'm sad I know
Crying
Am I enough?
Crying
Do I want to wake up in the morning?
Dying
Do I really want to live this life?
Dying
I feel so much
Dying
I just want it to stop
Aching
The thought of what once was
Aching
Time isn't on my side
Aching
The heart wants what it can't have
Aching
Tonight I'll fall asleep with you on my mind
And I can only hope you do the same
Because when I don't wake up in the morning
My last thought would have been of you.