though you can't see me,
though you can't feel me yet,
i'm wrapping you in the embrace
of my big purple sweater.

yo veo
your scrunched white socks;
your wavy dark hair;
your fist beneath your chin.

leaning back in your chair; words under your breath;
a harmless smile:
i'm a child again,
entranced by the image of you.
youth's joy pulsed through my veins again,
and i was so glad,
for i truly thought it had left me for good.

i had to pinch myself.
i had to claw into my skin
to ensure that i could still feel.
i had to tremble
to ensure that i could still move.
i had to think of you
to recall a time in which
there was no cause for panic.

i thought of you.

i thought my heart was breaking.
i thought it was stopping;
i was frantically searching
for my pulse.

i wonder what piece of myself
i left with you
to keep:

you,
you,
you,
whom i loved
with the vitality of
spring's awakening;
you,
who made me feel
the warm comfort of green grass
at the bottom of a hospital bed.

we were so young,
so very,
very young:
just babies
learning to talk,
learning to walk,
together.

we were innocent;
we were defenseless
when the pack of wolves came:

they came and snatched you away.

now,
your name shall forever be
on my lips:
you,
in every word i say.

and though you've gone,
and though i ache,
the taste of honey
shall never leave my tongue
for i still love you so.

"it's either my thyroid
or an iron deficiency"
i would say.

but it was always you:
etching away at
my waist
my thighs
my cheeks
straight
to the bare bone.

how did you expect me
to busy myself
while i slowly withered away,
waiting for the day
when you'd realize how
you
were the one
who was drowning me?

but it's just that
every ******* time our eyes met,
or we grazed each other
under the platonic guise,

i collapsed.

i exhaled,
retaining my semblance of calmness
while i dutifully
parted ways with
another fragment of my pure innocence;

i knew it was you.
it always was you.