I wonder if I really am kind hearted.
Most people think it’s true,
But maybe I’m just afraid of being mean-
Maybe I’m afraid of being you.
I know what Real feels like.
When it’s real there are no games.
No shame to be ourselves.
No limits to our desires and dreams, not even our own self-destruction.
I see you…
Your eyes tell me everything I need to know.
Yah…..That fall looks pretty steep.
As I Inch closer to the edge every time we meet.
So I step back about 10 feet.
Yah….That fear, it gets me too.
Losing myself for a moment, as I dance in the darkness of my own shame.
Becoming Self-destructive in my own way.
But I’ve played this game before.
As I convince myself that this can only be fleeting.
Bc….if you have lost a love….
a love so deep that the world stopped spinning.
The game can seem tolerable for a while.
But only for a while.
And when I’m ready….
I’ll jump, if you jump….
Hoping it’s you on the edge waiting for me.
And with a sincere smile,
she looked to the stars
knowing the future was worthwhile,
even, with a thousand scars.
Stars begin to doubt their shine
When surrounded by the blind.
I woke up from a nightmare
I could not stand to keep
you were stretched across the couch
coffee going cold on the table
a half finished cigarette
you wrapped me up
in kind words that
I could not bare
whispered into my ear
"one day we will go wandering
and this tiny house will overspill
you are not your memories, darling
you are not the bad things
that have been done to you
you are a fierce flame
that warms my heart
forget them, my love
they are nothing
and you, and you
in the distance
far far below
looking down on it all
wrapped in a blanket
a book lies next to me
pages flipping themselves
in the cool summer breeze
inside are the sounds of life
outside are the sounds
of the questioning
the air is filled
with random notes
fluttering around me
like guardian angels
I know why they’re here
next to me
to keep me company
we look at the flickering lights
in the distance
he tells me
you’d do fine down there
if you wanted to
be a light
surrounded by light
but then he shifts his gaze
dancing through his being
but you’d do great
be a light
where no one has dared to be
and with that
Kicks off stilettos
Smears racoons from her tired eyes
you are more precious than you know
your ability to rip your flesh apart
pull the bleeding ***** with strength unimaginable to create an opening inside
just to push through to tend to the broken yet beautiful heart
that is covered in scarred tissue as a reminder for its desire for survival
to beat another day
to tend to the wounds that have been inflicted on it by others
which later followed by your own hands and words
forgiveness and tears are a gentle balm of healing
that cover the years of war spent viciously fighting among the cells of this fragile vessel
you are more courageous than you know
your willingness to confront agony, pain, and uncertainty
is worthy of recognition and praise
you amaze me
even on the ones that haven’t been so kind to you
and leave bruises that linger and eventually change shades
this vessel is not familiar with gentleness
it has only understood roughness
and has often mistaken it for love
which you are now painfully discovering
but your beauty lies in what is unseen to the eye
it is found in your depths
your desire for authenticity and connection
connection with others
but more importantly
connection with yourself
a gentle one that allows you to be as you are
in the light
and in the dark
This is a poem of gratitude for myself. I crave this level of gentleness and introspection for the rest of my life. I’m learning to practice mistakes and see it as an opportunity for growth vs the personal attack they would have over my worth. I’m learning to be gentle. This vessel needs it.
When beautiful things,
Or happy moments come your way,
Tell no one,
People tend to ruin them.
He noticed that I hated avocados.
That I would push them to the
Edge of my plate of salad.
Every time I saw him he would ask,
“Are you eating your avocados today?”
I would say, “maybe”.
Because, maybe they would taste better that day.
We played this game for 12 years.
On my 13th year I started to love avocados.
They became trendy.
I spread them on my toast,
They were the dip I loved the most!
But on my 13th year,
He wasn’t here
To ask about avocados.
I miss you grandpa