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Diana Jan 7
oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home
Diana Dec 2021
I hope whatever you’re hoping for
In this experience
Meets you there
Diana Nov 2021
Your emotion doesn’t need to be justified
For it to be valid
To be felt

For Alan Watts once said
“It is unacknowledged hatred
That leads to violence”
Inspired by Alan Watts’ piece, “No Wrong Emotions” which revolutionized my relationship with emotions and how they are to be revered. Each one of them.
Nov 2021 · 423
F*ck you,
Diana Nov 2021
Numbing the pain
Is so much easier than feeling it

I wanted to take a few shots tonight
Sit in the buzz
And not the grief and sorrow
But I’m afraid I’ll get lost in the toxic substance
Just like many others in my family have
It’s why I don’t keep it in my place
I don’t want the option
So I eliminate it altogether
For nights like these
Where I want to numb myself
Diana Nov 2021

400. Does assurance work?
-> depends. Sometimes it’s needed to help boost, other times its like a drug you need another hit
-> a behavior or action never happens once

399. What are your unique values that you bring to relationships?
-> thoughtful, kind, wonderful lover, goes out of your way to those you live, loyal, good conversationalist (feed the relationship with your mind)
->Knowing your value won’t change when challenged by the other’s external achievement and you won’t need to be reassured

398. Have you met a person that has challenged your mind intellectually? How many?

397. When was the last time you went to bed hoping that you’d not wake up?

396. Do you ever wonder how you came to be attracted to a physical look? What makes someone attractive to you physically? Is it conditioning? What if our desires were purely constructed for us?

395. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself? What was the context?

394. Who has made you cry the most painful tears in your life?

393. What is something someone struggled with around you and you didn’t know how to help?

392. What are you struggling with?

391. What is something that always makes you angry when you think about it?

390. When was the last time you cried? What was it about? We’re you alone? Did you want someone?

389. What is your favorite and why: earth, fire, water, wind?

388. What is your favorite vegetable?

387. What is your favorite fruit?

386. Do you have someone you would call in the middle of the night for emotional support?

385. When was a time you said I love you and regretted it the most? When was a time you said it and didn’t mean it the most?

384. How many times have you peed in a pool?

383.  How do clams reproduce?

382. What color of you think of when you think of the ocean? Blue, green, or both?
Diana Nov 2021
How do I let a guy know I like him
I haven’t had many interactions with them
But I also think my small hints aren’t working
I’m nervous as hell
But he hasn’t made any efforts to get to know me
update: neediness clouds your judgement heavily; i read a romance novel to quench the desire and no longer want him the way i did before (thanks unrealistic imagination)

Update 2: honestly, don’t know if he’s clueless, shy, or just not into me
Oct 2021 · 82
Sweet solidarity
Diana Oct 2021
I hope you understand what it’s like to be alone
So that when you meet someone
You’re able to appreciate their presence
More deeply
Diana Oct 2021
I wonder what it’s like
To be loved by someone

I see people kiss in movies
And run my fingertips along my lips gently
Wondering what it’s like

I yearn for it
But don’t know how to go about it
Oct 2021 · 75
What a shame, baby
Diana Oct 2021
Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies
That you will never know to question socially constructed identities. You will stick to behave within the stereotypes society has given you. Forever left in your persona.
Oct 2021 · 59
To women From men
Diana Oct 2021
The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less
This is an exercise I did in class. I wrote about the lessons that have disciplined my body. In this one, it’s from the perspective of oppressive men. **not all men think this way**
Oct 2021 · 608
selfless I am not
Diana Oct 2021
You will never satisfy everyone
You weren’t biologically created to
So disappointment is inevitable
It’s expected even
So it’s up to you to decide who you let down
Others or yourself
Diana Oct 2021
I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Oct 2021 · 52
Blind Eye
Diana Oct 2021
Can’t you hear my heart
Speeding out of my chest
As I listen to you talk about your day
The subtle way my chest rises faster
The longer you keep eye contact
The slight strain in my laughter
As you make a joke
You overwhelm me
But I don’t want you to know about it
I’m twisting my fingers behind me
Hoping that you can’t tell
How much I like you
That you’re not as perceptive in my baseline
As you are in others
Diana Oct 2021
I suffered silently
But healed loudly
All alone
Diana Sep 2021
We’re all ****** up
We’ve all been victims in certain stories
We’ve all been oppressors in others
So stop pointing the finger
Because it’s only a mirror
Come to terms with your maleficence; it exists, even if you don’t acknowledge it.
Sep 2021 · 493
The ability to destroy
Diana Sep 2021
I guess that’s what makes relationships
So precious
The fact that you can ruin them
Completely obliterate what’s been created
Regardless of how much time has been invested
At any point
One conversation
One physical altercation
Can destroy it
It’s a dynamic system
That requires constant maintenance
Diana Sep 2021
It’s hard to change drastically overnight
Flip your nervous system upside down
Starve unhealthy neural pathways to create space for newer healthier ones
But small consistent changes
Are what you should strive for
The patient process is what results in change
Diana Sep 2021
Every behavior has purpose behind it
Laziness does not exist

The beauty of each moment in life
Is that there will never be another one
Exactly like it again
Much like you and the rest of humanity

If there is a plan B or C
Plan A will most likely fail

Taking no risk is the biggest risk of all

Survival is insufficient; there must be more to life than living it "safely"
Sep 2021 · 166
Lessons on Friendships
Diana Sep 2021
There’s a lot of things I wish my parents taught me when I was younger
But I wish they taught me the importance of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with many people
That one person cannot fulfill all your needs
And so each person can meet different ones
Each relationship can provide you insight on yourself
Each relationship is a window into the portal of your own soul
It is a different world where you meet and engage with the beautiful complexities of another person’s mystery as well as your own
Getting to know another person is also a chance or opportunity to get to know yourself
There are many different levels of friendships
Ranging from superficial and light to emotionally gripping and deep
Each serve their own purpose in your life
Do not belittle or praise one more than the other
Diana Sep 2021
One moment you’re strangers
The next
They’re your closest companion
How does that come to be

I believe that conversations
Ones that require authenticity and vulnerability
Dictate the degree of change and closeness
That happens in a relationship
Regardless of its type

It’s the conversations where one broken yet brave soul smiles and acknowledges the other that is deeply hidden in another
It’s the conversations at 3 in the morning
While you’re both on the phone as you slowly fall asleep
The conversations that have awkward silences where you smile and bite your lip
The conversations that reveal the other and your own character
The conversations that let you meet another aspect of yourself
The conversations that touch your inner child

One conversation can transform your relationship with that person
It can lead you down a different future
With yourself
Inspired by “The Way I Used to Be” by Amber smith p. 127-134. Dedicated to the Edens and Joshs of the world.
Sep 2021 · 66
The greatest gift
Diana Sep 2021
I’m often misunderstood
Reduced to my stereotype
By those who don’t get the privilege of knowing me
And most people often are treated the same
Which is why
When I am understood
Seen and truly heard
Stereotypes aside
It is The greatest gift another can give me
Diana Aug 2021
I hate that perfection
Was marketed and sold to me
When I was a naive innocent young child
As if it was attainable and realistic
And here I am later in life
Learning how to undo all of its consequences
Diana Aug 2021
I cannot and will not claim to fully know you
Inside and out
For you are a mystery that I have the privilege of being in conversation with
For the rest of my life
“In the person we love there is suffering that we haven’t seen yet”
To love the other is to seek to understand their suffering
To love is an activity that requires continuous energy in deep listening and gentle curiosity
Diana Aug 2021
The hardest part of loving you
Is that you won’t let me
Diana Jul 2021
A single glance
Was all it took for me
To feel my pain
In all its depths and complexity
Jul 2021 · 415
dear frustrated soul
Diana Jul 2021
I hope that one day
you will no longer be imprisoned
by the limitations of your poor communication
that you were conditioned into
by your caregivers and society
may you be freed by cycles of mental trauma
Language is so powerful and it is so sad to see how poor most people's communication is. I wish this was something that public schools incorporated more of: emotional vocabulary/regulation, communication skills, de-escalation, etc.
Jul 2021 · 47
dear angel
Diana Jul 2021
I hope that one day soon
you will feel like you want to live again
instead of playing with death through various means
to drown out the numbness
Diana Jun 2021
How many times
Must I continue to pity myself
For falling for the belief
That others truly care about me
When time and time again
I am disproved
Diana Apr 2021
to the boy who will split me open
gently reach inside
pry my ribs apart
and delicately hold my heart
in the palms of his hands
know that i cannot wait to learn
the way you squirm when i kiss your neck
the way you attempt to suppress a smile
when i grab your upper thigh beneath the table
at a friends' dinner party
the way you moan and stretch in bed
during our late mornings together
the way you like to have me run my fingers through your hair
the way you want me to hold your face as we kiss
the way you groan when my hand finds your arousal
the way you bite your lip when i show you each of my outfits
and do a twirl for you
the way you like to hold my hand
and rub your thumb across my bottom lip
the way you effortlessly laugh at my terrible jokes
the way you look at me with unspoken reverence
when I catch you staring and you thought I wouldn't
the way you like to grab my waist underneath my shirt
to lift me up into your arms
the way you kiss me passionately
without a care to anyone who can see us
when i see you for the first time in the day
the way you caress my hipbone when we cuddle
knowing that it was once my biggest insecurity
until i met you and you showed me
just how much you love spending time in-between them
the way your friends tell me how you talk to them about me
the way you look at me
from head to toe
when i sensually flirt with you
just to see how far you can restrain yourself
before you act on your desires
the way you desperately whisper
fu6k baby
when I move on top of you
to straddle your lap
in the middle of us making out
the way you quietly murmur
one day i'm going to marry you
as we are laying in bed
and you think i have fallen asleep before you
the way you get nervously excited
when i smile widely in your direction
knowing that mischief is going to rear its head
around the corner sometime soon
the way you hold me close to your chest
as we sway to music in the dark
this goes to the boy who will get to engage with me in ways
that no one else will
i cannot wait for the day
where I get to learn more about the complexity
that is your mind
Diana Apr 2021
I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my acceptance of low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time
Inspired by An Invisible Sign of my Own by Aimee ******.
Apr 2021 · 296
Rebellious Hues
Diana Apr 2021
As a kid
I would stare at the sky
And admire its beauty
As an adult
I admire its ability
To be one of the few things in this life
To not be monopolized
Apr 2021 · 73
Kiss Me Passionately
Diana Apr 2021
I may not speak French
But my lips do
Diana Apr 2021
one of the greatest illusions in life
is to believe that we are in competition
with one another
Mar 2021 · 1.1k
Diana Mar 2021
misunderstood by everyone
she played with the pills in her hand every night
toying on the fine line between life and death
just enough to get a glimpse of heaven
for a few shimmering moments
where she was neither here nor there
but in between
Inspired by HEAVEN AND BACK by Chase Atlantic
Mar 2021 · 255
the beauty in illusions
Diana Mar 2021
she was a mystery to everyone around her
a puzzle that many desired to solve
but little did they know
she held the missing pieces in the center of the palm
behind her back
while the other gracefully held their hand
Mar 2021 · 459
Diana Mar 2021
The sun demands to be seen
When it dies
Mar 2021 · 608
Two words
Diana Mar 2021
Mar 2021 · 472
You’re too late
Diana Mar 2021
I don’t feed her fears
I feed her habits
-Chase Atlantic

(song: TOO LATE)
Feb 2021 · 605
Your love is constructed
Diana Feb 2021
It’s almost a contradiction
To love someone
When they are angry
When they are jealous
When they are vain
But it’s easy for many
To love someone
When they are joyful
When they are humble
When they are empathetic
It’s as if we have been misled
To provide conditional positive regard
Unconditional love
Is hard to encounter
A blessing to receive
And a burden to maintain
Feb 2021 · 85
Dear children,
Diana Feb 2021
In whatever you pursue to do
Or choose to believe
I only ask of one thing from you
Be passionate
But don’t let it
Foolishly blind you
From emotionally and intellectually
Tolerating ideas or activities
That challenge
Or skeptically question your own
For it was once said
That the mark of an educated man
Is one who is able to entertain a thought
Without accepting it
Diana Feb 2021
you tend to enter my mind
on days like these
where love is celebrated
on other days
in moments where I feel the most alone
I think about you
I get a warm fuzzy feeling
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I know how you make me feel
and it soaks my mind with a gentle touch
foreign yet familiar
and when it is a holiday
I tend to think of you
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I do know that you are celebrating the day
at least I like to think so
in those moments where I feel so alone
my mind tends to drift to you
and a smile kisses the corners of my lips
I may not have anyone right now
but I do know that I will have you
one day
since it is valentine's day, I felt compelled to write a poem.
Diana Feb 2021
i have learned
that not everyone will love me
and that is okay
because i was never made to be loved by everyone
i was made to reach my most authentic self
and as i continue to honor myself
i will naturally attract those that revere my authenticity

i have also learned
that i often used comparison
as a means of measuring my worthiness for love
but now i have realized that
there is enough love for everyone on this earth
i am no longer in competition for love
since i already have it within myself
for example
another's beauty doesn't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
another's accomplishments don't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
since i now understand that we are all worthy of a love
that is external to works or identity
Feb 2021 · 95
my romantic manifestation
Diana Feb 2021
i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of
if only i knew the countdown to when all these events will take place...i look forward to meeting you lover x
Diana Jan 2021
touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you
Inspired by Heartbreak Anniversary -Giveon.
Diana Jan 2021
your personality
is the product of your conditioning from childhood
where you were modeled certain behavior
one's conditioning is made up of
coping mechanisms
boundaries or lack there of
relationship dynamics
emotional regulation
core belief systems
we only know what we know
unless we choose to pursue more
more than what we know
Jan 2021 · 280
what separates us from God
Diana Jan 2021
death and ignorance
-Jordan Peterson
Jan 2021 · 77
help me, please
Diana Jan 2021
they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others
I'm really struggling in my life right now...the only hope that I have is knowing that there will be better days ahead of just really ***** right now...I really hope that these feelings will go away soon because it's becoming too much for me...
Diana Jan 2021
you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will
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