long ago
he was my happiness
nothing could do to me
what he did.
he left me
i did not leave him
i couldnt
i held on
thinking he would come back


he never did.


i realized then
that you cannot depend
on others for your happiness
you have to look inside you.

it feels like everthing in falling apart
youre being torn to pieces
no one will text you back
youre going to fail
you will fail
you will
he is a despicable person
i dont reallly want to think right now
i want to be stardust
go away so people dont exist
i am floating
insead of falling
because when you are falling
no one is catching you
but when youre floating
you dont want to be caught

trying to be with you
is like trying to hold water

the moment before
its eerily calm
staring at your arm
and then
it happens
you go crazy
and end up
with blotchy
red spots
clean red lines
punching
scratching
kicking
cutting
until you snap out of it
look down
and see what you have done

honey is pouring through the window and wakes you up
of course its honey because lately everything has been going so slow. your covers are like molasses
you cant seem to get out of bed.
this should make you panic,
you panic at everything
this should make you panic.
but you have reached a sort of calm that makes you slow yourself. lead weights are in your mind-
making everything slow
its straining to think about even facing the world today.
you lie back in bed with your molasses sheets
and pray for life to be on an eternal pause.

my anxiety is when
i have had good days
too many good days
and i think
"this cant go on forever"
shut up
"somethings going to happen"
stop
"you're going to have an attack"
please


and it goes like that
forever

my life isnt poetic
yet i make poems about it
like a *******