Perhaps I should blame
my inner demon for how
complicated my mind has become
this uneasiness with the easiness
of stress free living
and maybe I've lived in the present
long enough to know what is to come
living in the present is like
sailing on the bright blue ocean,
the beauty is everywhere,
surrounds you, wind in your face,
the sun on your skin,
cool spray across the deck
while the boat gently rocks
yet an uneasiness calls from below,
a black bilge pump and drain with
leaky seals, and deeper still
the ocean depths, cold, dark,
and suffocating
that which lurks below is more
real than whats above
I'm taking on water,
its only a matter of time before
the boat goes down
I'm acutely aware of what
it feels like to drown
The past encroaches on the present,
fills it with painful regret
while the beautiful bright
blue slips away
I wish I could explain it better
I'm in a vicious cycle
of contradicting regret
there's a storm on the horizon
a leak in the boat
everything that exists below
is darkness come upon me,
I feel it in my gut at
this very moment,
right now, right here,
an impending doom,
my own little apocalypse
retrospect and regret
they never go away
today is nothing more than
tomorrow's yesterday and
I am continually being shamed by
that which I am already ashamed of
I'm in a vicious cycle
of contradicting regret
and I embrace it
because its the only thing I know to do
.