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Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
Amara is sleeping.
She's dreaming.
Not dreams of her future,
But of her many pasts.

She's dreaming of a time
Before time mattered so much.
Days before roles.
Before acts.
Before stories.

Vignettes of time before
Captains, kings, or allegiances.
When loyalties owed only to friends
In the shape of paws
And Stars Sent from the stars.

And then from the stars,
A star fell
And a second past emerged from the rubble.
Shea, Lilacs, and Azure Mist.

She dreams of when she ran away.
Away from this past.
The first.
But not the last.

Amara's dreaming of her fresh start.
A third past.
The promises,
The oaths,
The rules that came with,
The mistakes she wouldn't make,
And the slips she would not repeat.

Then allegiance arose.
Fealty to Duty, Honor, and Glory
.But no stranger to human weakness,
It ended in broken promises,
Tarnished honor,
And a second flight.

She fled from pain
But found neither comfor
tNor relief.
And she forgot long ago
Why she ran a second time,
To spend an Era alone.

Then her demons came.
A fourth, and uncertain life.
When the Hero in Black
Cast them out.

But the Hero could not banish them forever.
Too soon to be spared,
The Child of Dark Hair
Followed.

Amara is dreaming
Of when she swore
Never returning.
Promised herself freedom.
And explored the world of the demons.
Twice she made the promise.
And twice she broke it.

Now she is awake.
The sole survivor of her visions.
She is cold
To know only she is left
To remember the dreams.

She fell from the stars.
She ran from the mist.
She broke the promise.
And in many ways,
She killed the Hero in Black.

Only she remains
To remember the colors
Of her four pasts
Within eleven dreams.
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
As his life gives way to silence
As you shame him with your eyes
All you think you feel is justice
You believe in your own lies
And when you lie awake in bed
You'll rest easy in the night
Because the record says you're innocent
And that all you did was right.
But have you ever stopped and asked yourself

Wouldn't you have done the same?
Wouldn't you have done the same
Knowing that you could take the credit,
Someone else would take the blame
Knowing all he'd said and done,
Knowing who you'd save
Knowing that you would seem a hero
To put one man in his grave.
How can you rightly blame him?
Knowing you would have done the same.
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
Silence...
Silence...
Waiting...

-A banshee scream-

Joyless laughter
The kind that stems
From quiet cruelty
And unnoticed pain

Heat,
Wretched heat,
Like a wool blanket over your head.
Suffocating.
Jammed corridors.
Endlessly, endlessly moving
Swarming
Crying
Calling
Screaming

They won't look in each others' eyes.
Recognition
They fear the recognition
Someone might know, if they look in their eyes,
The fear
Pain
Guilt
Loss
Despair
Snakes, all of them,
Every one.
They might strike
Strike at weakness.
-STRIKE BACK-
But don't let them know.

They fear the intimacy of human contact.
So they pretend.
They don't smile
Or greet
They look at the wall
Down the hall
At anything
Anything that cannot see them
Cannot recognize.
No recognition.

And they go on
shuffling
swarming
screaming
Singled and Isolated.
One purpose.
Fearing human love,
Love which is so confused in listlessness.
And we go on
Despising all that we are.
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
When did my walls become my barriers.
My fortifications became my prison.
The comfort of stone shifted into cold iron bars.
Why must the world be just beyond the glass?

When did innocence become a sin?
Why must weightlessness be heavy to bear?
Why must what I need, and what I desire exist
On opposite sides of the mirror.

And I can just see you.
See me. Just out of reach.
Just within the camera lens.
Just within the negatives of film.

But who would I be in black and white?
On the reverse side of the mirror
Where left is right, and right is wrong.
Who am I in the negatives?
I wouldn't be me.
That isn't me.

Too bad, though.
'Cause me just isn't good enough.
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
Her hair is long.
It flows like cascades over cliffs.
It curls lightly,
The softest curves of clouds.

Her skin is pure caramel and cream.
Smooth. Unmarred.
Silk to the touch, but warmer.
Friendlier. Comfortable.

Her nails grow evenly.
Long, and sharp.
They never bend, or break, or tap.
She rounds them perfectly, and they never catch.
Harmless.

But her eyes.
Her eyes are walls.
You only ever see irises.
Irises and calm.

Her eyes are claws.
Raking, tearing daggers.
Piercing points.
Glistening teeth in deep, and gaping maws.

Her eyes are war.
****** battlements.
Arrows, spears, swords and shields.
Towers.
Walls.

Her eyes are fierce.
Fearless.
Guarded.
Her eyes are cold.
Merciless.
Calculating.
Perfect.

Isn't that what you wanted from me?
To be the perfect woman.
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
I have to hold them up.
I will NOT let them down.
It will **** me.
I know.
I've accepted it.
I will not allow them to follow.

The water is cold in my lungs.
It stings, like shards of ice.
All i want to do is scream,
But water doesn't make a sound.
It's heavy, and quiet, like snow.
Like curtains.
Like fur.
Like the silence that comes after the splashing,
When the water wins.
It always wins.

I can't see the light overhead.
I'm so far down.
They're gone.
I know they're gone.
They stopped fighting.
What am I for?
I still won't let them down.
There's still a chance.
But I know there isn't.

Surprise.
I've lasted longer than I thought I could.
It took longer for me than them.
Even when I held them on my shoulders.

I can't breathe.
My god, I need air.
I NEED TO BREATHE.
Let me out.
Let me out.
Please.
I cannot breathe.
It hurts.
I didn't think it would hurt.

It wasn't the water.
It was never the water.
It was the heaviness.
It suffocated me.
It got them too.
What am I for?
What was I ever for?
Tracie Bulkley Nov 2013
A shadow with darkened eyes.
She's fine. She says she is just fine.
Her lips say everything is right.
Even her eyes have learned to lie.
But the sunlight strikes the lenses,
And just once she lets me see, just once,
The hazel wound behind her veil.
She begs for me to understand,
But fights so hard to blind me.
Just for a little while I see
The quiet acceptance of a dying world,
A growing, inexpressed hatred of mankind.
A terror of inadequacy, never being enough.
A silent resignation of just how much less she is.
Resent for the blame, the debt of an unknown people,
A plea to just forget the shame of her own sullied hands.
She's dying for someone to know,
To have no more to hide,
To abandon logic and composure
And forget what is expected, which she cannot fulfill.
Who says that she is now free?
Who can claim she was ever bound?
But reason makes her stop,
And pretend the world's alive.
To hide her weakness deeper
In order to survive.
To illuse the populace to thinking she rose above.
She steps out of the sunlight.
The glimpse is gone,
Her insecurity erased.
Once again, a paradigm of confidence and self-worth.
The mask is on, the shroud let down.
No one could ever doubt her.
No one will see the child with hazel eyes.
If you asked her, she'd deny it.
Just a child with hazel eyes.
Even in confession, she finds a way to hide.

I have left the mirror.
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