horse tail clouds drifted
across the blue parchment sky
this dazzling spring day

my personality only comes in one flavor
and I'm not here
to custom-make an order or
wait on the haters
hand and foot

it shouldn't matter if my poetry is bland and tasteless
if my story isn't interesting enough to be told

perhaps I am a lone comic book sitting on a shelf in Green River, Utah

I may be useful to somebody
Someday
(but in the meantime I'll learn to love myself)

I bathe myself in preparation
Suds of lavender & honey
lathered over my smooth summer skin
I even shave
just for you
Moroccan oil pours over my scalp
exfoliating extra well behind the ears
ah the ears
my favorite spot
Gently dry off
Making sure not to miss any spots
above the knee
where usually a stubble island lingers
make sure the *******
are like starfruit
ready for your suckling
Lather cocoa butter
on elbows and around neckline
sensual, a paradise for you
My argan oil tresses, your palm trees
drown lashes in bat black
curl them upward towards cloudy head
I pinch already flushed cheeks
nice and baby doll pink, just the way you like it
All the while staining lips vamp scarlet
so that you may think their sole purpose
on my face is for
circling around your ****
I tweeze brows into crescent moons
over a Bette Davis eye sky
And I won't dare forget to bleach each pearly tooth
picket fence white
So when I flash my counterfeit grin
a twinkle may appear
and blur the emptiness
lurking between both corners
Now for the *****, bra pairing
of course midnight lace and twin
You, my dear get to unwrap this body of mine
How will you choose what to unravel first?
******* or ****?
Decisions. Decisions.
All of it for your
heartbreaking ***** machismo

I arrive,
just as those perfect hands
of your clock
strike the moment you wanted them to
You dine
licking your fingers after each dish
You breathe cigarette breathe
Your pungent odor wreaks over my body
as yours climbs aboard
Hair, greasy hamburger follicles
Skin, porous with choking chemicals
And there is nothing to unwrap
nothing for me to find
Except an empty chest
The gold had been in my pockets the whole time
I must bathe you off.

(1) I wonder if I’ll die at 32
16 seems so much like a midlife crisis
I don’t wonder too much about
other things
If I’ll ever have a husband
If I’ll ever have kids
the politics of the pronouns
for my future spouse became
too complicated, at least for me

(2)    I’m tired even though I slept last night
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately
I don’t have much else to do
As morbid as it sounds it just feels like I’m stuck
waiting until it’s my turn to die
    
(3) I should be taking notes in class
         talking to my friends
  I should make eye-contact when I talk
and stop scratching my hands
I have to admit,
I have a certain affinity for scars
                           permanent regret
I shouldn’t have selective hearing
                                I haven’t listened to an entire conversation in
too long
        scanning instead for terms of my interest
         slurs
         are a particularly ear-pricking noise
lesbian, gay, transgender,
                   suicide

(4) I never thought my name
             would be such a hard question
    one that made me pause
“Do they know?”
they must
they don’t
neither do I
I want to sputter out to my brother
exactly what I am
but I don’t know what that is
I want to stop breaking down in my room over forms
M
or
F
morf I read
morph my mind corrects me, wishing I could do what I read

(5) My finger taps a desk and I watch the line in my hand
up
down
up
down
and I try to convince myself that I am real
                ten minutes
that’s the time left in this class period
              two fives
I say to myself, trying to shorten the time
           I used to be better at this

(6) I look at the rings on my fingers
             Do they belong?
would I have to take them off if everyone knew?

(7) My grandparents were twenty years apart
            I don’t shy away from age gaps
I try to justify it in my head
              that everyone is made for each other
that out there someone else longs for me, too
But my mind corrects me
on all the inconsistency in the world
                       there could very well be no one for me

(8) I don’t know what I feel
                   but part of it is alone
and another part is angry
                                 and angsty
                                 and sad
but they’re not puzzle pieces that fit together
          
(9)            I try to tell myself
       “I am myself”
but some days I don’t think even that is true
               I used to be better at this

(10) the veins in my arms carry blood through my body
                  so I remind myself
“today you are alive”
                              and I bide my time
                              and I wait

How did we go from holding hands and kissing in the rain to me feeling nauseous every time you put your hand on my hip or kiss my forehead? How did we go from texting all night to one sided conversations where you beg me to respond? How am I supposed to fall back in your arms at night and not break down into a sobbing mess? Where do we go from here?