I have a permanent ache in my chest- and every time he talks to me it gets worse and worse. It's becoming more difficult to ignore. I used to be able to push it out of my thoughts and pretend I was okay but I don’t know how to do that any more. It’s like this emptiness is taking over every thought I have. I'm scared if I don’t get rid of him it will swallow me whole but at the same time I’m terrified that it will engulf me in darkness permanently if he’s gone.

It’s like he’s become both the life preserver and the tidal wave. Talking to him drags me to the bottom of the ocean and drowns me but at the same time somehow pulls me to the surface and pushes the oxygen back into my lungs.

I don’t know how to live with or without him.

I feel ice cold and a bit cloudy.
Like mango juice and *****.

I'm not sure how to explain this.
When I was younger,
I thought that when you died,
You were reincarnated
Into things that were part of nature.
But not organisms.
Wind, bodies of water, and rocks.

And the special souls were saved for storms.
The powerful and the passionate.
Hurricanes and snowstorms.
Sometimes colliding.
And I could always tell if they were fighting
Because of hatred and anger,
Or reconnecting with love and longing.
Or if it was a little of both.

I know that I am magnificent, powerful,and special
But I would love to just be waves
Constantly returning to the coast of Maine.
You and I crashing over each other
Constantly become one.
Stretching out to touch civilization,
And pulling back to our own world.
Filled with fish and boats,
And maybe someone will give us a message in a bottle to deliver.

You so selfishly hold my heart in your hands
I dance as my strings are pulled
I live my life around your plans
I guess I like to be controlled

       I follow your rules
Even though I despise authority
            People, we're all fools
We just don't know how to be

Your face has left my brain burned
                           with its image
Your lies have left my stomach turned
               Always wrong
Lessons never learned
           No trust to give
None was earned

     Just give it back
Give back my heart
       My blood runs thin without it
And I'm about to die...

Yes,
     I'm broken.
       Have been for some time.
           But I cannot simply
             just be fixed.

Sure,
     I'm outspoken.
       I always speak my mind.
          Even when it's playing
             ***** tricks.

No,
  I'm done hoping.
    I'm finished living blind.
      Just waiting for time to
         turn its last ticks.

Fine,
    I'll leave it open.
      I won't close up my mind.
        Even though nothing
          you say clicks.