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 Mar 2014 kyla marie
David Bojay
he rides his bike through woods that swallow his inner most desires
he has the urge to be a servent to people with upside down smiles
he knows what he knows is a curse
he knows that knowledge is pain
he wanders streets like a tourist
he sits and cries when no ones around for no reason  but to let out emotion every once in a while
he tries to be like the same, but cant because of the huge question mark on his forehead
he talks to women like if they all had a special place in his heart
he's sorry, he just wants people to feel cared for
he makes up scenarios in his head to make himself laugh about the what if's
he kisses his mother before he goes to bed because he's scared of her not waking up the next morning
he prays for death before anyone in his family so he won't feel the pain of losing a loved one, he's lost a few already
he cant take much more honestly
he doesn't trust anyone, but gives second chances
he walks school hallways listening to uplifting music to feel superior from everyone else
he daydreams of a futures that will maybe will never come
he talks to people for experience around human culture
he plays piano to calm his anger when his knuckles can't take anymore wall punches
he writes to make worlds he can live in when he's in solitude
he listens to loud music to block out screams of attention everywhere he goes
he reads the bible for some kind of hope in words
he knows the maze in his mind but cant get out even if he tore down all the walls
he's got a problem with love, a big one
he sleeps with a ****** incase Satan wants to **** with him when he sleeps
he prays before he closes his eyes to see galaxies in the dark incase illusions ****
he believes in aliens because he doubts coincidence in world wonders
his name is David, and he aspires to be nothing but an expression
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
Sag
October
I feel that I have an unconventional belief/idea of love.
• To love is a verb, I think it's more an emotion rather than a permanent state of being.
• It can be used and expressed in different ways for different things, but it is all the same love. I may love some things or people more than others, but it's the same feeling. I love my mom and dad, I love reading, I love lasagna, I love the feeling I get when something is more amazing than I originally thought it would be.
• Love isn't a serious thing. It's okay to say to people you may barely know or at random times.
• Contrary to popular belief, I don't believe that you never stop loving someone. You can be in and out of love with someone, at points people are worth loving and at other times, they are less deserving. And I don't have to love them in that moment.
• Love is temporary. If I love a boy tonight, it doesn't mean that I will and/or must love him in thirty years, or six months, or even tomorrow morning.
• I am capable of loving several people simultaneously because several people may deserve my love at that time. It's a feeling that should be shared and expressed whenever appropriate and there shouldn't be consequences or guilt associated in sharing it.
• I don't believe there comes a point when you cross the line of liking someone to loving them, this line to me doesn't exist. You are not aware of the moment you fall in love with someone, because there is no definitive of love or falling into it.
• Love isn't a fairytale, myth, or fabricated term. It's real.
But I think the term and feeling of love is more romanticized than anything.

April*
Oh God, I think that I'm in love and everything has changed.
• Can a simple emotion really have this great of an impact?
• This is different from any other emotion. It's stronger and it hurts better than the love I have for coffee and ***** and my stepsister
• Love, it's a thing. And even though we were drunk when we admitted it, it still meant what we wanted it to mean.
• I won't ever stop loving you because you're never not deserving.
• I will love you tomorrow morning, and in six months, and in thirty years.
• It can't possibly be temporary because there are visions of us growing up, around, and into one another and still being happy together in the future
• Love like this isn't felt with everyone. I could never look at anyone the way I look at you. It's not something to be shared, it's special and specific to one person.
• I think I fell in love with you that night we laid on the mattress together and I traced the lines in your hands with my fingers.
• Love is when what you want finally aligns perfectly with what you need
• Love is what I feel for her
• And it is the best ******* feeling in the world
This is such a mess. Which is how I feel right now, so I guess it's accurately portraying everything.
The first part is something I wrote last year on how I felt about the idea of love. And the latter is how I feel now that I've actually experienced it.
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
David Bojay
Boy: "Dad i think I'd rather take the bus today, I don't feel like walking, can you pack my lunch right now as I get ready?"
     (Boy goes into room in a stomping movement)
     (Dad starts preparing lunch)
Dad: "Are you staying for tutorials today? Your grades dont look so good, and it's starting to reflect how you're acting at home.
You're always so lazy now."
Boy: "I'm not sure if I want to stay for tutorials, I'd rather go to sleep afterschool.
School is tiring.
I'll be home later than usual though."
     (Boy starts walking towards the door and checks his pockets for money)
Dad: "Okay, well be safe, where are you going afterschool?"
     (Boy turns around)
Boy: "I was about to tell you, I need 40$ for a fieldtrip today, sorry for the late reminder."
Dad" You should've told me earlier, I'll go upstairs and see what I have in my wallet."
     (Dad goes up the stairs rapidly)


There's times where lying creates curiosity in a mans heart, and wonder if the liar is really telling the truth.
Although they know, they dont want to say anything, they'd rather trust.
Sometimes I lie, sometimes can be all the time for some people.


     (rapid steps going down the stairs)

Dad: "Here we go, $40... What time do I pick you up from school?"
Boy: "Around 7:30 pm."
Dad: "Alright, I'll be there.
Hurry out, you're going to miss your bus."
     (Dad grabs boys head, and kisses his forehead)
"I love you son."
     (Guilt glows in the boys eyes)

Boy: "I love you too dad..."

     (walks away slowly not wanting to admit his lie)


     (boy walks into school)
     (greets his friends)

Boy: "Aye, Matthew, you still down for afterschool? I got the $40, my stupid dad actually bought that I was going to a fieldtrip, we have until 7 to get back."

Matthew: "Dude you dont feel guilty? Not even I would lie to my dad face to face."
     (Both laugh)
Boy: " Is your friend still hooking it up with the *****?"
Matthew: "Yeah, he's coming along with us, I hope you brought a jacket, it's going to get cold tonight."
Boy: "I did, dude I'm nervous, what if we get caught."

People have instincts on whether or not they committed something bad, the boy knew he had committed something bad, something he knew he'd regret at the bottom of his heart.
The trust in his fathers eyes killed him the second he went out the door towards his bus stop.

Matthew: "Trust me we wont, give me the $40 right now and I'll get us two grams of white widow, or do you want OG kush?"
Boy: "White widow, I was reading it has "cooler" effects when you're high."
Matthew: (laughs) "You're lame for looking it up, either way thats very true."

     (Both kids walk different directions at the intersection of the hallway)

Boy: "Alright, well I'll see you afterschool by the lunchroom vending machines."
Matthew: "Alright, I'll see you there...
And dude, don't worry, we'll be fine."

     Throughout the whole day the boy was anxious about what was going to happen afterschool, they didn't really plan anything, they just wanted a good time with marijuana and liquor.
Sometimes when I'm smoking I think if its really worth it, then I remember I'm sad for the moment, and these herbs I'm puffing on will make me smile for a few hours.

     (Boy sees Matthew from a distance and yells his name out)

Matthew: "Aye, I was just looking for you, we going? My friends waiting outside."
Boy: "Hell yeah I'm ready" (he answered with slight tone of worry)
Matthew: "Alright let's go, I've been waiting all day for this."
Boy: "Same here."


     (Both walk up to a black car by the side of the school)

Matthew: "Jesus! How've you been? This is my friend, he's going on an adventure with us today, he bought us some widow."
Jesus: (greets himself to boy, and unlocks the car doors)
I've been good man, just hanging out, work is going slow though. Nobody wants to get tattoos right now, maybe after graduation.
I'm so glad I dont have to deal with school anynore though, my mom always ******* at me for dropping out."

I dont think school can make or break your value as a human. I feel like whatever you love, is enough to pursue. I dont think can school can define intelligence. I feel like self perception of value is so low. I feel like people that love you will always tell you your value is higher than what you think it is.

Matthew: "****, mothers can be a hassle, atleast you love what you're doing now."
Jesus: (Looks at the boy) "What about your mom, what does she get on to you for?"
Boy: (looks down) "My mom died in a car crash... she was intoxicated, and didn't stop at the red light, and an 18 wheeler slammed right where she was sitting; the driver seat..."
    
     long silence
Jesus: "Sorry to hear that bro, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know."
Boy: "It's fine, we should get going now, there's cars behind us and we're causing traffic."
     (drive off)

The boys vibe was killed by remembering the thought of his mom dying.
He asked Matthew to roll up a blunt, he was starting to get sad.
All of them took hits from the blunt, and soon they were touching Gods feet, and laughing so much.

Sometimes when you remember something you dont want to remember, you do things that can put your pain to ease and convince yourself that you're happy. Little lies.
Little lies to make you smile.
Little lies to make you feel relieved.
Little lies to be accepted.
Little lies.

Jesus: "Hey guys, I'm pretty ******* high, lets go somewhere and relax, I know this place where you can look at the whole city from a cliff.
You guys want to go?"
     (both nod yes)


     car pulls up at a cliff
Boy: "Dude this place looks amazing, how'd you find out about this place?"
Jesus: "I was wandering the woods and found it, amazing right?"
Boy: "Hell yeah, the view is great."
Matthew: "Will you guys accompany me to a beer or what?"
     Both smile and start drinking heavily

The boys didn't notice, but they were intoxicated, and higher than the Empire State Building.
Before they knew it, they were in tears expressing everything they wished people knew about them.


Sometimes your consciousness explodes when your body is let go from reality.
Emotions flow like waterfalls, fast and carelessly.
Unspoken feelings are yelled into the oblivion.


It's 7.

Boy: "*******, guys I need to get back to school, and if my dad finds out I'm drunk and ****** he's going to **** me!"
Jesus: "Keep your calm, here take a hit from this."
Boy:" Dude no, I have to go, drive me back."
Jesus: "Fine, Matthew can you drive? I'm too, well you know."
Matthew: "Sure."


All three were sharing laughs on the way back, and telling eachother which girl they wanted to **** from school. Matthew was sharing his roadtrip idea he had for the summer, and Jesus was saying how much **** he'd buy for the trip.
All three were excited, because they knew they had each other.
They were each made from different backgrounds, but they became the same when they smoked and got drunk.

Boy: "Matthew look at my eyes, they look red as ****, look at them!"

(Mathew turns around)
Matthew: "Hahahaha, dude they're so red, we need to buy you some eye drops."

(Matthew accelerates still looking at the boy)

Tire squeals were heard from a distance, but kept getting closer.
(Matthew immediately turns around)


He tries to brake, but it's too late.
His reaction was too slow, his vision was blurry, and didn't know where to turn.

Ambulances covered Jesus's face while on the bed he was lying on.
Matthews face was unrecognizable.
The boy had lost his legs, and half of his head of missing,
His brains was splattered all over the winshield.


Later on, when the dad found out his only son had died, the week after the incident, he hanged himself in his livingroom.
You know, it's crazy how a lie can take away future plans and expectations.
Plans erased.
Expectations like they never existed.
People's footsteps on earth, like if they never stepped on it.


My mom used to tell me it's wasn't good to lie.
I didn't believe it, lying had brought me a long way when I was a child.
I never knew I was going to suffer consequences 5 months ago, when I was suicidal because I was depressed.
I guess every lie I said came back as big drops of sadness raining in my heart.
I guess it's better to feel pain in truth; in the present,
than to feel pain in the future because of something you could've avoided with honesty.
In the end, it all catches up to you.
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
pam
happy now?
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
pam
here you go again
the hurt you've caused me

the pain i felt, the scars you helped me create.
the tears you've made me spill.

has it all been worth it?

why me? why myself?
why did you hurt me?

are you happy now, are you proud?

do you even care if i live or i die?
would you even care?

cause this time its for real
im not gonna lie

todays gonna be the day i'll die.
PD
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
Kevin
letting go of someone you desperately fell in love with may be one of the hardest thing you have to go through in the process of life and love, mainly because most of the time, you don't want to.
 
you want to hold on to what made you so happy; to the person who filled up the void inside your heart. 
sadly, this will most certainly lead to your destruction; every thought, every memory of them claws at your heart and soul, slowly killing you emotionally, eventually leaving behind an empty shell of regret.
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
Kevin
-
 Mar 2014 kyla marie
Kevin
-
All I want to do is walk up to her
and kiss her; tell her I miss her.
But I can’t. Because deep inside my brain
there’s this little voice telling me
that she wouldn’t want to me to.
That she doesn’t miss me or want me back;
despite all of the signs my entire being
keeps telling me she’s giving.
And when I do manage to gather the courage to talk to her,
every single word digs its claws
into the inside of my throat, refusing to come out.
She went from being the love of my life,
to just another beautiful girl I’m scared to talk to.
Every single one of our conversations ends up
consisting of her trying to understand what I’m trying to say,
and me staring at the sky and whispering
things that are supposed to mean
“I love you. And I’m sorry”

Whenever she walks past me, I pretend I’m texting,
writing, or even looking for something stuck under my shoe
so I don’t look at her, because I have the feeling
that she does the same.
It feels like she does whatever it takes to distract herself from me,
because in her eyes, I will always be the person who betrayed her.
The person who caused those sleepless nights.
The person who hurt her.

— The End —