By all means, write love notes to her
Leave it on places she won't expect
On her back pocket, her locker, on her hand
Her phone, her lips, her tongue
Leave love notes on her doorstep, with your head tilted for a kiss
And if she ever writes notes to you, keep them
I beg you to keep them
Keep them in your heart, mind, and soul
Keep them hidden on your nape, your thighs, the edges of your ears

Memorize the way she writes when she's okay
Especially when she's having a bad day
The letters tell another picture, decipher it
An extra period on her texts messages means she's kidding
An exclamation point means you're dead to her
A question mark will be the death of your soul
(That is how I got myself killed)
She has grown to like the mysteries she has built over the years
I tried to understand, I tried to spell them out
Nothing came close to how she wants to be understood

Please keep the notes, keep her notes
You will never know how little you have of them
Until she leaves you with only 6 pieces of paper
With words of empty promises
The ones she used to tell her past lovers to stay for a while
But leave soon enough
The scent of her wrist slowly leaving
And her handwriting fading
Blots of ink from your tears

*(Words that I wish that I could etch upon my skin
But unfortunately, I already know
that I would just run out of space)

I still choke on the idea of someone else thinking
he knows how to love you*
Says it often but always chooses not to show it
He has his handwriting on your body
Screaming you're fragile, all bones and questions
Metaphors and splatters of hatred
I tried to tell you you're more than that
I tried telling you
You believed the etches he left on your skin
He knows what's best for you
but chooses to not let you have that
Blinds you with empty promises of a better plan
Every day he lets you see your sunshine
Steals it, keeps it and lets it die in his pockets
He is your shadow
Defining you in the worst words possible
Leaves everytime the times get tough

I let out the longest sigh, begged the heavens
Not to let me see you settle for anyone short of deserving
Every second you're not with me
You already are
Killing the soul made for you
My soul
Yours

I never told you why I hated him
I never told you I kept all these feelings I have for you
I never told you I still have them, written on my skin
Waiting for the right time to let you read them

I have always known that I loved you more
We hated comparisons, contrasts
But ever since, you knew as well
What I hated about this truth is
You never did anything about it

You left with blood in your hands
From trying to take away all the good things in me
You left with blood in your hands
From all the fires you caught outside this
You left with blood in your hands
From all the scribbling of love notes you got from me
But were never for me
You left with blood in your hands
From killing every butterfly that has lived inside
You left with blood in your hands
From all the poems you tried to write about me
But never finished
You left with blood in your hands
But never from fighting alongside me

You were used to this, with us
Your hands shook with fear from the dying love
But you gave in
Never took the risk
Never conquered
Never tried
You left with blood in your hands
You left

How come you were in this battle with me
But you left with less scars
We were in this together
We were

I am still healing
*While you have your scars
I still have my wounds

Ever since I started to leave the box I was in
I seared in my mind that I needed another hand to help me up
Another lung to keep me breathing
I’ve always believed I needed the extra set of words from another mouth

As I walked I saw how each person took me to their world
Left me astonished of how they have built their own
Left me questioning everything I thought I was sure of

As I walked I picked up pieces of people I thought I needed
Greedily putting them in my pockets
Hoping I can fit them in me when I get home
Recklessly kneeling and fitting the pieces in my broken parts
Slamming, or at least trying, the ones I want to fit
Jamming them right in me, hurting in all ways possible

As I walked I tried scratching the pieces of people away
Scrubbing away the pieces that left dents
Dents that were too much or too little

As I walked I eagerly wanted each piece to be mine
I want new people to dive in me and see every person I’ve been with
See how they tried to change me
And fit me in their little unsteady shaking hands
See how their words dropped me
See how they tried to tell me it’s going to okay
And how I stood up, used to being dropped in the sea of new pieces

As I walked, I saw you, right there, outside my porch with a box
Steadily, you handed me a box of your broken pieces
I know you’re fragile, but this world keeps on breaking you
I recognized all the right words to say, the right times to say them
I studied all your fears and why you played it safe
You let me in, I didn’t blink, didn’t flinch
I shook hands with your worst nightmare
Your monsters looked so much like mine
They never hid from me, recognizing me even
I laughed at all those times you promised people you’d stay
I cried at the times you felt like settling down
You deserved more but were too afraid to wait

As I devour your world,
I began thinking you’re all the demons in my head
I saw why your monsters welcomed me
Why your nightmares said hi
They were me

I am the monster inside you, pushing you to your limits
Whispering your worst desires and how to keep them in
I am your worst nightmare
Fixing your doubts so you’ll wake up knowing what to do
Leaving you breathless late at night
Keeping you awake most days
I am your soulmate

The universe didn’t like us
Spit out thousands of stars just to break us
It ended there
Or did it?

"One day I woke up and we no longer spoke the same language.
I haven’t heard from you since."*

I tried talking, you settled with silence
Every morning I tried preparing you plates of compliments
A rose beside your bacon and eggs
(You picked it up, laughed and said you didn't want one)
I said I will still try to win you back
(Win you back. Maybe. Or steal you from him)
To remind you that mornings are worth it
(To remind you that mornings with me are better)

I tried talking, you settled with silence
I was never sure how you were able to not hear me
Screaming until my voice broke
I kneeled, watched you cover your ears
I bled, not to death but I wished I was
You watched silently with the trigger still touching your finger
And the envelope of butterflies you put in my tummy
Your last words saying, "Have to give this to someone else now."

I tried talking, you settled with silence
How can nothing beat yourself into dust
How can your closed mouth speak 672 kinds of sadness
All these with your name and mine crossed out
No more plans, no more plans

I tried talking, you settled with silence
Now you're wondering how I learned to do the same

Why do you have so many piercings, someone asked
I bit my tongue, maybe you knew someone's going to ask about you, or me, or us

I got my first pair of piercings the day I was born
It was the beginning of life, a new start
It started a road trip to the ends of the world
My first piercings reminded me of a fresh page, with ink and pen waiting for my writing

The second piercing I got was from my first failure
It was devastating to see myself so deep in this hole I didn't see the light
A young mind crushed by a 5.0, what a day she must have had after hearing the news
I immediately wanted to ease the pain
That's when it all started - healing with hurt
I slept at night doubting every compliment anyone has ever given me
The pain reminded me of the reason, a good reason for it
One night it all started fading
It stopped hurting

The third one was when I first felt real and alive
We met at a very convenient time, it was love at second sight
I gave in, opened myself to the thought of you staying with me
Terrifying, comforting
I got my third to remind me of how happy you made me
How happy we were back then
How it all started and how I thought it would never end
It reminded me of what to live by, what to love and it boiled down to answering "you"
I got my third to remind me of when you used to see this as an "us", a "we", and not an "almost"

The fourth piercing was with you, I got this one with you
This was the time we faced our fears together, the pain forgotten and the joy of feeling this together felt like home
I asked you if you really wanted this, definitely meaning "us", you immediately answered with a resounding yes, and that's all I needed to hear
"I want this."
My fourth, your first
It was a privilege, I said to myself, to be your first
My fourth reminded me of how far I've come in life and why I've only come across you now
Your first reminded me of how significant I must be, how this made you feel like the constant reminder on your body was worth it

My fifth was from the time someone precious and close to your heart left you
It was loss that cannot be healed by my hands, my words and my love
My fifth reminded me of how vulnerable you are to this world's vicious evils, and how helpless I am
Your second was to remind you of love that was lost
It reminded me of one brave soul I wanted to be with so much
My fifth was a note on my body that shouted how you are so precious but very fragile
This one scarred me, scared me to my nerves
How can I keep you happy, genuinely happy
The fifth reminded me constantly to show you something you did not expect, to keep you on your toes, to keep your mind from drifting back to the bad stuff

The sixth marked the end
Ironic how this number used to make us giddy and eager to greet each other a happy anniversary
The sixth marked the constant uncomfortable silence, the fights you picked just to not talk to me
The sixth marked the words stabbing, leaving bleeding scars on the places you used to plant flowers in
The sixth marked the days ending with you thinking of someone better, someone not me
The sixth marked the words I never wished I'd hear from you
The sixth marked the "What if" question that broke me to pieces I didn't know existed
The sixth marked the dying firsts and the growing lasts, the story of a lifetime
The sixth one marked the sinking of our ship
I got my sixth for me to not forget

Why do you have so many piercings, someone asked
I bit my tongue, maybe you knew someone's going to ask about you, or me, or us
I laughed and just said, "It's to remind me of her."

This is not about you anymore
Not about your heavens, paradise and hell
This is not about your late night thoughts stuck at the back of my ear where you left them
This is not about your cravings, no
Not about the things you crave when it's 3 in the morning
This is not about your eyes getting caught stealing glances my way
This is not about the way your lips curl when you say my last name
This is not about how you carved promises of hope on my skin,
leaving me exposed for the rest to devour
This is not about holding me too tight I felt you slipping away
This is not about you leaving me alone and crushed to my bones

This is about my paradise, my better place
This is about my thoughts too clouded I cannot even see them,
let alone decipher
This is about my confusion, my dusty corners
and shadows at 3 in the morning
This is about how I gave myself time to heal
from all the words you left me with
This is about the baby steps, each one I took led me far from you
This is about being okay with that
This is about me

(Realizing now that this was never about you
Accepting that this was always just about me)