I don't have a way with words.
I'm constantly saying **** I don't mean or when I do say what I mean
It only hurts.
I'm constantly misunderstood no matter the way I word and align these letters.
My mind is not put together and the way I express myself isn't any better.

*I'm sorry.

Leave, I don't blame you.*
I'd even abandon me if I could.

Locked in a cage
My mind's in a maze
Even though the door is open

I. cannot. escape.

my mind is filled with **** thats seeping into my heart.
my words feel foreign and your response isn't always warming and that's why i keep my ******* mouth shut.

Since last night
my voice has left me
and I haven't been able
to say a word.

Instead of trying
to find that sound
I have simply
given up.

In a space so filled,
how could I feel so lonely?

The thing that makes me the happiest human in the world is truly making you smile
Seeing you laugh and turn pink whenever I plant the softest kiss on your nose and cheeks
or kiss your lips with a silly fish face just fills me with the greatest gratitude to the universe
for giving me the sweetest love I've ever knew

The way you hug me while resting your head on my lap never fails to make my heart melt

What I learned from this world
is that you can't expect loyalty from someone else.

It does not matter how close you are.

The only loyalty you are sure to get is from you to yourself.

Here comes the heavy heart
and ******* thoughts already beginning to start.
Here comes the feeling of my face turning embarrassingly hot from  finding out something I more than likely should have not.
Here comes the "**** it" attitude mixed with "I'm really ******* ****** at you".
Here comes the passive aggression with built up tension; but nevertheless, I hold my thoughts inside because of my worthless transparent pride.
Here comes the overall "what's the point anymore when all the side effects of love just leave me sore?"

I don't want small talk
that only leads to you making a move.

There is no such thing as "casual dating" for me:
A relationship goes far beyond physical aspects.

What's the point if you're not mentally there?

I don't want empty love
built on tolerance and indifference,
and quick loss of interest.

I want slow burning passion.

I want fights and arguments,
raw emotion,
ecstasy, and meaningful ***.

Life is too profound to settle for anything less.

she was quiet
and always kept to herself
her face was soft
and her smile was innocent

although she's shy
don't mistake her for naive
because behind that smile
was a snarky smirk  
and if you looked in her eyes
you could see the sharp disinterest

Who knew that in the depths of misery
held a piece of life so sweet?

The way my heart floats when you're near me
or how a memory of you makes me sing

I have a smile that only you can see.

And after all we been through
Whenever I hear "Wonderwall"
I still think of you..

The thought of being without you
doesn't make my chest sink like it used to
I can listen to our old songs and smile happily to myself
without going wild from crushing memories
I don't know how I feel about you now
but it's not bitterness
or even regret
I loved being loved
and showering you in affection
but now I must fall in love with myself
and realize that even being alone is a blessing

My body feels like light air
in a reality where I don't feel completely there
Neither comfortable or out of place
I'm simply wandering through this space
My starry eyes are fixated on time
my colorful thoughts are worded in rhymes

I have recluded deep inside my mind

why do you fill me with artificial love
and give me artificial smiles
and tell me hopeless lies

you are ripping my heart out of my ******* chest
and tearing me in half and I can't bare it
and you wonder why I'm so depressed
all I ever wanted was for you to stay

I'm never ever good enough
They'll always be a flaw in me
that you only magnify

We put up these acts
we beg for each other
but treat each other like a push away

Stop throwing me away whenever you don't get your way.

I remember being too scared
to climb on the tire swing
We karate kicked it
We laughed so hard
I felt like a little kid again
We got lost in each other
that the time had slipped
And in that darkness
your eyes were still just as bright
as the stars above us.

I wish I could wear
my heart on my sleeve
so I can be seen
for what I really am
I am composed of many things
but most of all
I am tender and sensual
and I try to be gentle
But I know for sure that
I'm not the most simple

Just when I start to feel lighter
and brighter
You bring your dark storm clouds
and heavy rain showers
You shake up this temporary euphoric world I created
And knock me back into the brim of hell's realm

You said you like games
and you like to win
That's something we have in common being astrological twins
But at this point
I can't keep playing them again
The frustration is killer
I feel like tearing off my skin
I shouldn't have to get drunk
To find my sanity within

I hate being vulnerable
and showing any weakness
But I wish I could show you just how much you've broken my heart into pieces
For a while I didn't know why I stayed
Thought at this point you were disposable
But when the tears started falling
I called you for closure
Why are you doing this to me?
Is it revenge?
These mind games,
once you begin there is no end
Somehow I know everything you said wasn't a lie
And just like the break ups before
this isn't really a goodbye

You hate the fact that I sleep too much
But you also hate the fact that I don't sleep enough
What exactly do you want from me: I  don't know
But I can give you the brightest glow just in my smile
And that sparkle in my eye that drives you wild
My depression doesn't define me
because I am a beauty, your queen
But if you can't handle the darkness of me as well
Then obviously you aren't fit to be my king

Shot after shot the tears start to diminish
Topped with prescription pills for the finish
I don't want to die anymore
I just want a break every once in a while from this life that feels like a heavy chore

After all you said
about being there for me
through thick and thin
and you loved me for who I was
and not the sexiness of my skin
You said this time you wanted to stay, to marry me
but
It was my depression that drove you away.

I want late night drunk calls
about who gives a **** what.
I want your **** opinionated voice
ringing in my ears.
I want you to **** me
by only intriguing my mind.
I want someone open
and honest
That doesn't leave me blind.
I want poetry
of how the alcohol that burns in your throat feels just
as if you're saying my name.

Nights like this I can't seem to function.
The Wellbutrin and Klonopin aren't
working anymore.
No matter if I double the dose.

I want to be happy.
I want to be loving.
But I'm going insane in my mind
and I want to pluck every strand of my hair out.
I want to tear off this skin
and smash my brain in
so my thoughts can finally roam freely
and not racing in my head.

As I walk through the halls,
I barely exist.
It's all a drift.

I'm drowning
             and slowly seeping
                             in to the abyss of nothingness.
I'm reaching out,
I'm reaching out,
                              but I'm too far gone.

I'm choking on my own words,
and no one can save me
but maybe a bottle of whiskey.
I need to be sedated,
                      I'm tired of feeling
                                            crazy.

Fire burns me alive inside
till I'm numb on the outside.

My whole world is crashing,
                  I'm dying under the sun.
I'm trying to run,
                    but my feet are grounded.
I'm trying to scream
                              to wake up from this dream.

How can you look me in my eyes
And withhold so many lies?
Is it that I am naive to believe that people do still have common decency?
What is it about me that just screams   not worth the effort or work?

Blood boiling
Ears ringing
Constant ******* screaming
So that you would understand
Why this **** has meaning.

Bitter cold
This is getting old.
How come I wasn't told?
A month later
Pieced together
With no sure clue
As to who was true.
But I did the easiest thing
And cut the last string
Between me and you.

Grown tired of feeling dumb.
I am finally numb.

She doesn't have the fairest snow white skin, and naturally straight silky hair. If it isn't the common stereotypical European looks that would classify her as beautiful, it would be the way she covers her smile when she's shy, or the way she glows when you remember just a small detail about her that shows you care. What makes her beautiful is her bright butterscotch skin and deep dark eyes that you say "has a sparkle in them", outlined with bags that has nothing to do with how much sleep she has. What makes her beautiful is the way she nestles into your neck and makes the sweetest sighs. What makes her beautiful is the way she can go from a raging storm destroying everything in her path, to a seductive flirt who always gets her way, to a truly sweet innocent girl who makes the cutest baby-like noises that you start to catch yourself doing too and it becomes you two's own secret language. What makes her even more beautiful, is that to others she looks cold and detached, but to you, you see a whole broad spectrum within her that she gladly opens to you, and only you.

I want to wake up to the sun pouring through the windows and onto your sleeping face where you look so peaceful.
I want to spend a Sunday doing absolutely nothing with you but lay in bed together and watch Netflix. Maybe smoke a joint and watch a super funny movie.
I want you to see me in a tank top and boxers with my hair a mess and think that I am just a perfect soul(even though I'm not).
I want to roll around on your bed with you and just be silly and annoying.
I want to fall asleep in your embrace just to wake up in the morning and see your cute bedhead and sleepy face smiling and wonder, "How could I be so blessed?"

I thought about the
midnight starry sky
in my head.
Passed out drunk
and blushing red
stretched out giggling
laying on your bed.
*** in my eyes
but innocence
in my smile.
Slurring speech
while nibbling love bites
under the moonlight
lust filled the air
in that starry night sky
from where it all begun.

It was a 10:54 a.m. morning breeze
as I stood waiting for the bus
harvest leaves pranced in the roads
while cars drove by
pushing the autumn sweetness

A happy image of your
best friend Josh's face came to mind,
followed by a faded remembrance
of how in love we were
last year around this time
but
the faint numbness
settling in my chest
reminded me
that those days were long gone

At 10:57
the bus slowed to a halt
the doors opened
and I remembered
I will be sixteen
this Fall.

Like a loopy bumble bee
filled with carefree
wanderlust
buzzing through the spring alone
Until I found you
my bullheaded
Scorpion
With a structured and
grounded, practical heart
that became my
welcoming
honeycomb ❤

From a cheeky smile
to swollen eyes
able to change from a loud
carefree soul
to a silent volcano
able to erupt any minute
able to form friendships eagerly
but drop them suddenly

A social lone wolf

Viewed by my right brain
as lively, intuitive, an old soul

Viewed by my left brain
as questionable, bipolar,
and deeply morose

All in all
just an alien to myself

A prism of light and dark
with many different sides
stuck in my head
balancing on the edge
between sanity and insanity
all hidden by this
dimpled grin

This steel knot in my throat is suffocating
the life out of me
keeping me from speaking my thoughts freely
letting them accumulate inside
like an infestation
of confusion
and frustration.

My thoughts are whirring
in and out of my ears
I’m pulling my hair
and breaking these glasses
in replace of my voice box that is lacking.
These gnawing parasites are stuck
in my growing pale
limp body
the darkness has spread and
the angels have died
I want so desperately to tear off my skin
and rip out this heart
so maybe then
I could have a fresh start.

Your eyes are mirrors of
the blue ocean sea,
and I'm drowning with
every look,
you take of me.
Your stature is tall,
and you have a look of
pride,
but your heart is soft
and gentle,
which drives me wild.
Such delicate skin,
and a soul warming
smile,
you bring peace to my
fierce spirit,
I hope you stay for a
while.

You are the cool blue water,
that flows from the
purest of rivers,
with a heart as warm as
a summer's night.
Gentle and soft,
you are a sunflower
blooming,
that just needs to be
watered right.
Tender love and
affection is all you ask,
but you tend to hide
behind this cold mask.
You are the true beauty
of this green Earth,
and you should never
have to question your
value or worth.

You are the comfort of a
warm blanket,
wrapped tight around
my body
in those chilly winters.
You are the soft
spring breeze,
that makes the grass
gently sway.
Like the sun that hangs
faithfully in the sky,
you're my lifeline that
saves me,
everyday.

Even though I've been battered,
bruised,
and torn,
I know if I stumble,
and lock eyes with your hazels,
I'll truly melt inside.

My heart is ****** and bruised,
because you were my muse
for everything.
I'd give my entire soul,
if you needed it.
I told you I'd never give up on you
no matter how hard it got.
And you said the same.
But then things changed.
You said you couldn't give me what I needed,
but I didn't care.
You filled me with life,
and love,
and that's all I wanted.
You said you didn't want something serious.
You said you couldn't treat me like a girlfriend should be treated,
that you didn't feel like being a boyfriend.
You said you didn't feel like being in a relationship.
But after you cut off all ties with me,
you went to her.
The same one you said I didn't have to worry about.


Now my mind won't stop plaguing my with the constant thoughts,
"What was wrong with me?"

Self criticism.
Awkwardness.

Conflicted personality.

I spend hours on end
perfecting my looks.
Eyeliner to energize my eyes,
blush to bring affection
into my smile,
compassion,
and pink lips
to mesmerize you.

But inside I'm a storm raging
of self doubt.
I have demons inside,
that I can't hide
by my superficial skills,
no matter how hard I try.
It doesn't work.

What's wrong with you?

I thought I was fine.

But you're not. Do you hear yourself?

I'm talking to myself. This has become normal.

How come some days you're fine? You're energized,
lively, fun, and outgoing?
Then on others, you can't even get words out
loud enough?
I don't understand myself anymore.
But I'm trying. God, I'm trying.

I'm a mess.
A scattered mess. I can't breathe.
What do I look like to other people?
Do I care?
I'm causing my own demise.
I'm digging my own grave.
I am my own enemy.
I am my own worst enemy.

A girl who's trying to balance herself.

The full moon hung in the inky sky,
accompanied by tiny glimmering stars.
The chilly summer air kissed my skin,
giving me goosebumps that reminded me
that I was alive.
That this world was mine.

The darkness of the night filled me,
with a surge of lust, power, and freedom.
Your bright eyes held an enigmatic spark,
that magnetized my midnight mirrors.
Time had become stagnant.
There was a magic,
so passionate,
planets moved.

Its this strangling feeling in my chest,
my throat is shut dry.
No words can describe it
This eternal empty feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
This feeling of water welling in my head,
about to overflow behind my eyes.