When someone close to me
Leaves me a voice mail after a missed call,
I don't erase them.
Because I'm worried that one day
They'll all be gone.
And all I'll have
Are their voices.

I fear my wrong thoughts will define me
I've been looking for years just to find me

Heaven

The 4 people I love more than anything and everything suffering

People learning who I truly am, understanding me, and deciding I'm not worth the time or effort, or that they honestly don't care

You know what scares me most?
The way you can make me fall for you
all over again with that smile.
How you can make me
curse and cry
whenever you hug her, flirt with her when she's just gonna rip you to shreds.

I'm terrified
of losing control,
changing into something unrecognizable.

I'm scared of being alone.

I am frightened that
I'll be addicted to you,
but you're just gonna **** me slowly.
Of caring too much,
hurting myself...

I'm not afraid to be hated,
I'm used to it.
Too all the terrors the world brings,
I'm just not prepared for this thing
we call
love.
It disgusts me,
yet I wish I have it.
How?

I am terrified of going back to how that pain wouldn't leave me two years ago because I have enough burdens left over to carry, and I don't deal with agony very well.

I am terrified of going back to how that numbness wouldn't leave me last year because it's worse even than anguish to be unable to feel, unconvinced you are still alive.

I am terrified of going back to how that happiness wouldn't leave me just over two years ago because as soon as you get up high, the further you have to fall.

Finding a man I love who only thinks I'm pretty with makeup on so the first time he sees me in the morning makeupless, having my tea he will realize I'm horribly ugly and leave me.

I will have a child one day that I can't support and have to put up for adoption to keep them alive.

I will die by drowning.

Everyone will find out my secrets.

One day I will send that one "Wrong text to the WRONG person." (anyone else ever do that?) and it will actually matter.