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Schoolhouse Rap: Boyfriend Killaz Edition

Jody Arias!
Jody Arias!

Let’s not forget
what you’ve done to us
When you find the ****
That is the most to ya
Don’t try to play
It’s just today for ya
Cuz she may have
Another way
in store for ya
whether she comes through
the front door
Or that doggie’s little door for ya
You’re gonna have to make some
extra room for Ma

Said she’s not your shorty no more
No more P.
said our Miss Jody

You ****** the wrong chick.

I said
Jody Arias!
Her love life was so precarious
Her lover so nefarious
Treating her like a *****
little piece of ***
The result of which was not so hilarious
Salacious? She?
Predacious? He?
Predacious? She?
Salacious? He?
Who’s to say?

Said she’s not your shorty no more
No more, T.
said our Miss Jody

You ****** the wrong chick.

He thought he’d get his perfect first wife
And start that brand new life.
Can you hear me?

O Travis
my dear dear Travis
They did try to ******’ warn your ***
Her hands more nimble than Thelonious
Your end more wretched than felonious
This hookup
for you
rather deleterious
Looks like she took your picture laying near the glass

Said she’s not your shorty no more
No more P.
said our Miss Jody

The minute you told me about
Your Bishop and the creepy questions
From worthiness interviews,
I knew we were
My Sister

"Oh, you have?"
Bishop McClain's eyes perked
Just a little, she swears,
A flash of excitement betrayed his
Next look of concern

"Can you tell me about the last time?
How long ago was it?
Where you alone?
Were the individuals
Completely naked in the pictures?"

She reminds me now
That she is barely twelve years old
Having celebrated just last week...
Hence the private meeting,
An annual check-up

You told me how he
Started to breathe heavier
And deeper with each new
Damning detail and necessary
Follow-up questions

A dentist five days a week and
An un-paid Judge of Isreal on Sundays,
Until an equally creepy
Accountant is called to serve
Over the Apple Valley Ward

I loved how you sipped
Your ***** every time McClain's
Name disgraced your mouth
Leaving you in need to wash
His foul taste from your tongue

And when the story flashed forward
To your honeymoon ten years later
I had an educated suspicion
Of where this story might be

The man you loved unbuttoned your
Pants and his breathe was so
Heavy you froze but unsure why,
Some zombie-you taking over
To get the job done

The real you, you tell me,
Was floating ten feet above the bed
Looking but not looking
Like a ghost trying to solve its
Own ******

Eventually you did,
Your love's breathe was too familiar,
But it wasn't without years of therapy
Threats of divorce and
Occasional talks of suicide

You tell me you'll never know
How much of your struggles now
Have their roots in a church
You gave your everything to
And I knew just what you meant
“The doctrine of this Church is that ****** sin — the illicit ****** relations of men and women — stands, in its enormity, next to ******.  The Lord has drawn no essential distinctions between fornication, adultery, and harlotry or prostitution. Each has fallen under His solemn and awful condemnation.” (First Presidency Message of October 1942)
I knew I'd turned a corner
The first time I made love to
Myself with no regrets

How many times was pleasure
Robbed the moment my mind turned
Back to "normal" again

Chemicals flooding my brain,
Changing me into something
I could not recognize

Lost in a daydream that looked
Like a nightmare to the old
Self I believed in

The moment of ****** tied to
A feeling of remorse, regret,
Disgust and defeat

Over and over again,
Against the God I said I loved!
Against my better judgement!

I'm still in the combat of
Deprogramming to love me
More than anyone can

But every now and then I
Make love to myself like I'm
Christina Aquilera

Like I'm the Goddess that I'm
Learning to become just like
The Mormons said I'd be
There are so many
Different angles
On the Ogden Temple

I see symbolism
From every other direction
And then some

I would peak in
But the gates closed down
And my bishop's biphobic

I wear a different crown
A poem that came to me
For an instagram post

Check it out ;)
I'm tearing through all
And walls all over

This nightmare of a
**** bucket
I'm too smart to be

Held captive by you
Will beg me
For forgiveness one

Day I'll be back here
And smiling
You will **** your pants

With my fire fists aimed
At your small
Member you will be

Dust at my fingers
Your ashes
I'll tatoo into a

Kunekune I
Will raise to
Adulthood and then

Eat as a hot dog
And remember
How you ****** your pants

Begging for mercy
That I did
Not give mmm tasty
I write poems
And second guess

If I don't
Get a single

I feel
Like a free
Sample no one

I get
Close to the
Delete button

Wait! I
The forgotten

All Y'all
**** ***** cause
My words are gold

Not my
Fault your eyes
Are blind to this

Can kiss my
Cherry pie ***

Now, but
Lovers too,
I won't stop you,
Thanks for the kisses
Inspired by Trash
By Tyler
You called me Queen
A Goddess
You worshipped me
For hours
On end

Sang songs to
Me, with each new
I fell
For you

You said we'd sail
The seven
Oceans together
In time
We'd see
It all

Making each and
Continent our
Our special

I was
In shock
For days

How could I not be?

I was the
Ugly duckling
In oil spilled
On me years

You saw past it
All into something
I didn't believe
Existed in me
A priceless

My father offered you
Three cows and oh
How the village
Laughed at

Laughed at me

They all did

How could she
Be a three
They mocked
Me and I heard


Only told I was ugly
For so long
How could
I know
I was a priceless
Pearl without your eyes?
I've lived in many places
But I was raised
In Utah
The same
Place Brigham Young
Once brought the chosen pioneers

They are my legacy
Or maybe I Am


I mean looking
Back we all see that

Brigham Young
Was a creep
The American Moses

They called him back then
He was a cult leader
Then and now

He was also well loved
By most accounts
By his people

The same people
Who by today's laws we would
Call child abuse victims

But enough on
Brother Brigham
Today I stand at the

"This Is The Place Monument"

Where Brigham once said,
"This Is The Place"
This is

My place right now
I live in Salt Lake City
The very same lake town

I was born in
On May 17,

Twin boys

My parents both in
Mid-forties we
Were surprise babies

To say the very least
My mom had not
Borne child
They haf thought
Their clocks had stopped

But now

I was the 6th of 6 children
Or the 7th if you counted
Our dead sister

And even though
I no longer believe in
The Plan of Salvation

Joe Smith
Brought to us
By Gosh

I still think this place
Carries a special magic

Music like
Imagine Dragons
Neon Trees
The Killers

All come from
Utah Mormon

So did Mitt Romney
And the 2002
Olympics we
Hosted in my hometown

I moved to Heber Valley
Where the cross country skiing
Olympic events took place

My middle school gave free
Tickets to good students
And I got the ski jumping

Which was pretty boring tbh
But still cool cause like
It was the Olympics

And I was right
Right here

I've worked in
The Nation's Capital
For the Majority

Harry Reid
(Also Mormon)
Fun fact

I spent two years
In 5 different cities all
Over Costa Rica

Went to Law School
In Charlottesvile next to
Thomas Jefferson's farms

Mastered the Socratic Arts
Teaching LSAT games in Orlando,
Tampa, Miami, and Talahassee

Watched Arrested Development
In Washington DC
On a weekly basis with

The neice of our current
Ambassador to Russia
John Huntsman

His brother, Peter,
Her daddy

The wealthiest Mormon
Alive besides maybe
Her Grandaddy

Larry Miller
Who owned the Utah jazz
Rest In Peace


The Marriot Family
Out in Washington D.C.
With all them hotels


Clayton Christensen
Who runs the Harvard
MBA Program

Came close
She ended up marrying one of my
Best friends

From my time
In Washington

The last place I lived
Before moving back to

Was Denver where I
Consulting on Huntsman's
Pension Plans

But like a magnet
Something strong ******
Me back to SLC

And now here I am
At This Is The Place

For my very
First time
Part 1 of 3
During the 30 years between the Mormons' arrival in Utah in 1847 and [his death in] 1877, Young directed the founding of 350 towns in the Southwest. Thereby the Mormons became the most important single agency in colonizing that vast arid West between the Rockies and the Sierra Nevada."
Verse 1:

Despite all
Of the

I keep going
Through the

And I keep

Through all
This dis-

I keep looking
For a hand hold

A John slow me
Down I can't hope

That things will get better
You said in a later


Yeah, am I alive?
Or am I just dreaming?
That day by day...
I keep on breathing

Yeah, am I alive?
And while i am bleeding...
If I am real,
Why aren't I screaming?
Mormon missionary music
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