I don't really know what exactly is hurting me. There are few people and few things that have gone bad, but I can't pick a person and say that I blame you. I have tried to ask myself, but all I get is that I am sad, for some reason. I get irritated by small things. I don't enjoy the things I used to enjoy earlier. I don't smile the way I used to smile. I feel that something is missing. Some part of me is lost somewhere. Some feelings of mine are lying bruised within my soul. I feel a darkness lurking inside me, but I sparkle in bouts of desperate attempts at happiness. It's almost as if I am screaming for help, without making any noise.

And then sometimes, I blame myself for being so emotional about the things other people just don't even care about. I hate myself for having a heart that is too pure in this soulless world. I have done so much for others. So when I find myself standing alone, fighting my own ugly battle, I do feel betrayed by all those people. I feel used. I feel like ****. And then I just want to say goodbye to all those people. You know, never talk to them, delete their numbers, or block them. I get almost ready to do it, but then I stop. I don't know why I stop. Maybe, I still want to give them a chance. Or maybe, I just want to see how much more they can hurt me.

I deserve better. I deserved more love, care, affection, and loyalty. And that's why it hurts when people just change. They still smile. They are still happy and proud. No trace of shame on their double fake face. They are still beaming as some sort of proud "pure soul", ah! the irony of black souled vultures. And to be honest, I just want to end this all. I want to trace all my pain and punch it dead with some reality-check and self-love. I mean, who wants to stay sad for people who don't even care? So, maybe soon, they won't be able to find me. Soon, the doors of my world will be shut on them, forever. Soon, they won't even exist in my universe. And, I mean all of them. You know, I don't need anyone. I am just so tired of this ******* and drama. Just, go away. I want to live, happy and alone. I am done with people.

:)

Letter

What exactly do you want from me?" She asked tenderly. Her eyes searching mine for an answer, compelling me to break my silence.

Me? I don't know. I've said that enough through my eyes but if you want me to put it in words so I'll explain it in the most obvious way. I want you. Your attention and your time. It's not that I'm some crazy psychopath dying to get an eye from you. I'm just a splintered soul who finds his solace in you.
I want to be with you. Either in person or just clung to your thoughts. I want to wake up next to you, to see your serene face shrouded with dim morning sunlight. I want to wake you up everyday differently. I want to giggle around you and to see you giggle with me, to let your laugh echo in my room of silence, sedating my soul, letting me feel vibrant.

I want to cook with you without thinking about our bad cooking skills. I want to twirl around you sheepishly while trying a hand in cooking recipes that are way beyond my capabilities. I want to sing dramatic duets doing salsa on our kitchen floor. I want you to make faces on having my delicious food and appreciate my horrible cooking experiments to save me from getting dull.

I want to have a garden full of roses and lavenders to water it with you and then playfully want to get indulge into some water fight against the green grass. I want to see your wet face with perfect smile laughing girlishly to let my head imagine how beautiful you must have been in your teenage.
I want to have pets with you. I want you to hold my hands to make me learn how to play with them touching their fur and befriend them without running from them. I want you to entangle your fingers with mine while crossing roads where I can barely open my eyes. I want you to cover me in crowd. I want you to hold me right to let me know you care. I want you to respect my tears knowing this heart of mine is fatuously emotional.

I want to sleep peacefully against your heartbeat, giving rest to the storms of my head if only you know I'm an insomniac with millions of mood swings. I want to ***** about how my workplace ***** and then rest my head on your shoulder crying myself to sleep. I want you to cover me up when I throw blanket in midnight. I want you to rest your head against mine to let me feel your warmth while asleep to fight back each witching hour of darkness.
I want to explore the world with you. That never meant to go on trips that are beyond our financial potential. I want you to wake me up in midnight to take us on some adventurous roadtrips to explore the fun we've missed while living and running this futile race of life. I want to drive insanely to scare the hell out of you. To go on long walks in cities of no recognitions and unknown faces. I want to go on adventure sports with you. Hiking up the mountains, diving skies and waters. Hence plunging deep in the ocean of togetherness.

I want you to surprise me on my birthday at 12 when I'm least expecting it to be remembered by you. To see you sing a happy birthday song and realise how horrible your croaky voice sounds. Yet the butterflies in my tummy flutters to show how elated they're to found you. To just get cute notes over fridge, desk and tv saying how annoying I'm and yet how my presence makes you feel alive. I want to have intellectual conversations about love, life and future yet I want to suddenly turn the table towards lame dance numbers. Dancing with you till my feet ache and breathing gets shallow.

I want to unravel secrets you've been concealing from this utterly judgemental world. I want to sit on rooftop at 2 am with you talking about how life must've origined and why death is scary. Admiring stars, moon and chattering about galaxies. Foremostly I would like to get lost in the galaxy your deep eyes allure me of.
I want to watch some over the top emotional movie and end up curling in your lap crying my heart out. I want you to pat my back and tell me how it's just a movie and my dumb head need to fathom out the difference. I want you to startle me with bitter truths rather than soothing me with comforting lies.

I want to lend an ear to your pain and smile in your contentment, I just simply want to be with you, till my breathes last and to make you feel whole with me. Holding your hands, fighting, reasoning, laughing, blushing and living I'm just a young mind with an old heart, heart which may not necessarily believe in clichéd fairy tales but wants to feel that corny romance, romance that's beyond age and time, time that binds our hearts together to make our own little infinity, infinity that entwines our dark souls conjointly.

I just want to get old with you, that's all I want.