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(Explicit)

I couldn't tell you what it was...
Or what caused it...
I honestly hadn't thought about you much...
It was a first but it came in plenty.
It was like I forgot about you...
Even if only...

Briefly...

My theory is...
Yes, of course I have one...


In the wake of,
a recent devastation..
I was..
Quite vulnerable..
Teetering on hopelessness...

It was in the midst of all this,
That My,
Boss,
My Employer,
&
Friend,
Starts confiding in me for marital advice....

Seems harmless right??
I mean really...
Why the **** did I even care?

Why would these harmless insignificant things bring back so many memories.


I remember going home that evening...
Drinking wine on my little black sofa...
Looking out my window, as the rain began to sound against my window pane..

It was then, that I realized..
Something started stirring in me
...
I was missing you...

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why do familiar situations, have that pile of **** way of digging things up...
You've already buried ten feet deep?

I'm angry...

I'm ******* at myself!

I don't want to miss a man who doesn't miss me.
Whose not thinking about me.

I don't want to feel the icy sting in my heart knowing he never loved me.

How he got away Scott free.
Without pain or agony...

I don't want there to be some piece of you I always love or a special place in my heart, where you'll always stay...

Because you don't ******* deserve it.

You never deserved me...

You never indured...
The pain and agony...
You don't know what it feels like, to be suffering.

Having to go through what it feels like when, your heart gets even a whiff of something that's tied to your memory..

I hate that my heart still entertains this **** because I wanna be rid of everything that has your memory tied to it.
( I lost track of my journal entry number so this will just be journal Entry 1170 just sounds pretty.)


Sorry for the rant.
Rachel Jul 2016
Our son is turning 7 and they have been the best 7 years of my life.
I am so lucky to have the both of you in my life and I wouldnt want it any other way.
Thank you for being so strong and connected. You are always there when he needs you.

Age 1, learned how to walk
Age 2, learned how to talk
Age 3, learned how to create
Age 4, learned how to make a mistake
Age 5, learned who is a best friend
Age 6, learned how to let go
Age 7, learns how to follows his heart..

Co-parenting is never easy when the parents involved are not on the same page of understanding as the other.
Luckily on our sons end he has the best of both worlds. We have compassion, understanding, love, and forgiveness.
We can be a team without being together and that is all I could ever ask for our son to see.

This is my moment to thank you for being an amazing father to him.
I am entirely grateful he has you in his life to love him, to care for him, to be there with him.  
I want you to teach him how to follow his dreams, how to open his heart and to show him how to love unconditionally.  
To show him that even though things may not go as planned, there is always a positive in a negative situation.  
You have made an impact on our lives and we love you so much.
You mean a lot to our hearts.

Thank you for being compassionate.
Thank you for being understanding.
Thank you for being strong.
Thank you for being everything to him.

Cheers to the next 11 years
To my ex-husband, the father of my child, the love in my heart as my best friend.

— The End —