what do i call you?
you were between a lover and a friend.
you called me a potential
and it was foolish of me to think,
it amounted to anything.
maybe that is the exact moment where everything convoluted.
everything got twisted in my mind,
and i believed, dangerously,
for more than a split second,
you wanted to be mine.

you weren't satisfied with my smile,
and the way i liked to laugh and grin
at every little thing you do,
so you took it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my eyes,
the ones that always found a way to stare into your face,
and most importantly to your own brown eyes,
so you took my gaze with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my kisses,
the ones that were always hungry,
but needed spaces in between,
so i can kiss you in places you didn't need,
so you took that to hell with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my words,
the ones that assured you that i will be here
no matter the cost,
no matter the pain,
because you didn't really hear it.
its not from who you need it.
so you threw that away, and didn't really take it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my actions,
the ones that screamed of love
and defied all rules and enclosures.
everything i did,
it was not for me to be loved back,
but for you to feel that someone out there cared.
you took all that anyway,
and decided it was time to leave, halfway.

i never believed in wrong timing,
just wrong people
but with you,
i found myself saying -- "i wish i met you earlier,"
or "i wish i met you later,".
i' m now convinced that timing really is a tragic thing,
and oh how it destroys what could have been.

in another timeline perhaps i made it past your walls --
the ones you've built around yourself,
preventing anything and anyone
from going in and out of your heart.
maybe, at that moment,
one far different from this version we both traverse through,
you and i were unscathed,
untarnished,
undamaged.

in a separate dimension,
my heart hopes,
there exists a you and i.

i want to destroy this part of me
that yearns for you,
that aches for you,
because it mourns your absence.
i wake up to each new day in torment.
my mind says no,
but my heart pleads for you.
logic tells me you'll never come back
and that i should pack it up and move forward.
but you've opened the irrational part of me,
the one that believes in feelings and humanity,
and it asks for me to be patient,
to go on and carry whatever i feel for you,
in blind faith.

its a terrible thing,
to have hope
and something you hold dear.
i'm hoping i can eradicate every part of me
that feels for you
and hopes for your eventual return.
nevermind what my heart wants,
you don't want any part of it anyway.

last night,
there were tears in my eyes and i chuckled for a moment.
after so many days,
i finally have the time to think about what just transpired.
i finally have the time to remember you,
to think about the chaos,
the storm you brought in me.
i'm left feeling distraught, not with you but with myself for allowing it.
why didn't i fight the urge to go near you?
logic never saved me, it only made matters worse.
i tried to rationalize every part of you that didn't make any sense.
i tried to explain why every moment we part,
everything burns.
i'm still burning, only the flames are bigger.
and you're still the catalyst.

the past few days have been nothing but haunting,
its as if every memory that i once cherished --
every detail of your face,
comes back to me,
mocking me,
taunting me to keep going.
i'm looking for the answer, but the question is
all but a mystery to me.
what is it i'm trying to ask?
am i asking for you?
am i asking what went wrong?
or am i asking for what the meaning of everything was?
nothing makes sense even if i was so sure,
i was ready to get lost in you.
to lose for you.
nothing could have prepared me for everything that stands
before me -- between you and i.
and i know, even if you tried,
you couldn't care for me,
the way i care for you.

i don't blame you,
i'm not an easy fire to hold on to,
the fire i exude is one that burns
to the core.
if its too much, i apologize just this once.
i didn't mean to be too much,
i only wanted to give you warmth,
to set fire in your dying heart,
to help light the path that was dimming ahead of you.
perhaps i can't help you, and that's okay.
perhaps, the only way for you to come back to me,
is to realize the fire that you've started in me,
wasn't something you should be afraid of.

i'm on hold for you,
my body,
my mind
and even if you're against it,
my heart is here for you.
its too late to be careful,
too late,
for i am already hurt,
already feeling,
already yours.

knowing the flame would burn,
did not stop me from reaching out,
hoping it would only sting a little.
the flame did not burn,
as painful as i thought it would,
but it spread within me,
and it is coursing through my veins.
the flame,
that is...you,
even this confusing part of you,
has already made it under my skin.
its futile to tell me to go,
to stop,
for i have already begun to feel
dangerous things for you,
even if the odds are against
the favor of this.

Let me die and take me to nowhere