I spent a lot of time missing you today. That one song came on that always makes me think of you. And I can't help but wonder if you're proud of me. I missed you more today than I think I have in thirteen years. I wondered if we'd be on this trip if you were here. I wonder if I'd yell at you for using all my stuff. I wonder if you'd cry on my shoulder when the boy at school doesn't love you back. I wonder if you'd roll down the windows with me and sing your heart out. I wonder if you'd look up to me or if you'd learn from my mistakes. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind tonight. Most about you. And I wonder if we'd go out together. I wonder if you'd have a crush on that boy in our church and I wonder if you'd be begging to wear makeup like I was. I wonder if you'd look like me and mom. I wonder a lot. I hope you know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. And a lot of my decisions factor whether or not they will get me closer to meeting you.

I had a dream just the other day, that you were happy.
Happy like you were in July. Happy like you were when we were with each other.
And in the blink of an eye the world changed and you weren't happy anymore.
You pulled away. You said hurtful things and I couldn't believe you had changed so much.
To me it seemed like an instant change, and then I began to wonder how long those dark feelings had been working within you.
How long had you been fighting to stay happy and stay alive?
And what made you let them win. I don't know when the change came. I don't even know why.
But I know that it did. And I hope you find all that you want out of your life.
I dreamt about your happiness. If that doesn't make you believe I love you then I don't know what will

I wonder what it's like to be the moon. To look down on those. Sleeping peacefully, falling in love, creating memories. I wonder how it would feel to know for once I was the source of light in someone's life. To be the one that is beautiful beyond comparison. Look at that moon tonight. I wonder how it would feel to be so selfless you let others use you for the countless hours. The moon that hangs, seamlessly without strings, but steady as a rock. It's reflection skewed by lakes and seas, I wonder if the moon is ever as lonely as me.

I don't know what's wrong.
I can't eat. Sleep doesn't come easy either.
Maybe I miss you, and maybe I regret you.
I don't know if I'll ever know which.
Everyone tells me to hold on
Surely the storm won't last forever.
I feel hungover
My thoughts are blurred. Bored.
But one thing rings clear.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I'm back into my old ways of thinking.
I want it all to end.
Not for lack of life, but lack of enjoyment.
I don't pray for the end
But if it came, I might greet it with a smile.

Depression makes me feel so undesirable.

can you ***** my finger and measure the dopamine in my veins? collect my teardrops and tell me if i'm going to be okay? can you light up the darkness with magical pills?
decide if i'm too sad to go to school?
can you tell me if i'm just being melodramatic? measure my blood pressure, maybe that will work. write me a prescription for 5 Happy Days in a row, and 3 hugs from Someone I Love.

doctor, doctor
i'm not feeling well today
doctor, doctor
i don't know if i should stay

sadness isn't a sickness, but it's infected my mind. can you write me some antibiotics to get them out in time?

sadness isn't sickness, but i think i might've caught something from doing a little too much of Having No Friends. don't you know how much i've been Laying In Bed?
sadness isn't sickness, but i think i'm coming down

doctor, doctor
i've got a severe case of the I Don't Want To Lives
can you write me a prescription?
make it go away?

doctor, doctor
you've let me down this time
doctor, doctor
i'm not in my prime

can you tell that i'm not healthy?
'cause i don't think you can
oh, sadness isn't sickness,
but it's fatal,
if all goes according to plan

She craved adventure while he shied away. She'd step off the edge of a cliff, knowing she'd fall or fly, not caring which. While he'd stand by her side, ready to move, yet strings still attached, refusing to let him be ungrounded.

She longed so much for something other than automated responses and faked opinions. Something more than just a mirror.

Her mind was a canvas, waiting to be colored, while he remained hidden under plastic, to keep sheltered with all his domestic familiarity.