as i walked past our old apartment
on another cold Saturday
every time I walked this path home from work
came flooding back at once
and i so desperately wished
i could run past the train tracks
through our complex
and up the stairs
back to the first experience i had living on my own
so that maybe
i could go back in time four years
and not repeat the disgusting mistakes
of my young adulthood

this time, I caught myself before the painful longing consumed me.
i have the same chances now that I did then.

new home.
new best friend.
new job.

i could easily fall back in patterns and make the same poor choices.
or, now bear with me here.
i could do everything right.

I just have to work for it.

A broken clock is right twice a day, but there is no time
at which a broken windshield is useful. In my peripheral
vision, the cracks could be lightning, but Minneapolis
is not as interested in drama as I am. Somewhere, not here,

it is raining. It would be great if it would rain on me
because then there would be a reason I felt like garbage
right now. There's always of course, a reason, but it would be
nice to say It's raining in my head rather than

I have a chemical inbalance in my brain or I just remembered
that someone I love will die before I do. All of downtown
is underneath the sky. If you spend

long enough in one place you will eventually be hit
by lightning. Because it's not real lightning
we're discussing here, stay longer and you will
be hit twice. Never move, ever. You might go somewhere

there us no lightning. It might not rain there at all.

how do you go back to a home you burnt down?
how do you gather the strength to walk those dilapidated halls?
should it be the same?
should you take another chance?

i don't know if i can.

each time i convince myself to step forward
these echoes pull me back
the places we shared stretched smiles
the sun burning bright on your dark brown hair

me, in love with everything you were
my tongue tripping over words, tying itself in knots
desperately trying to form sentences to convey
how i felt about you:
my summer love, deepest of my life
how could i ever walk away?
how could i leave you for some self assured self benefit?

now how can i return, knowing what could have been
will never be
how can i return, knowing things will never be the same?

Moon light falls onto my face
As i drift off into deep sleep
But before I nod off completely
I find myself wishing for you warm embrace

You see, dear
As arrogantly as the words will sound
You're meant to be with me
Not him.

Who else can conquer the raging doubts you hold?
Who but I, I alone, understand the deep labyrinth of your mind?
What even, say of your sentimentality?
Your craving for nostalgia?

You and I are emotional beings;
Only destined to find equally passionate
And feeling people

Come with me
I haven't yet lost my forgiveness.

i lay on my couch
taking in all the words we exchanged the evening previous
feeling them swirl around my insides until i come to a definitive feeling

god, oh god, do i want so feverishly
to take my right hand
softly place it upon your cheek, my thumb resting on bone
and replicate with the left,
thereby setting the stage for the next act.

our eyes locked as they shut
heads tilting oh so carefully to the right
and as our noses interlock
a moment of hesitation before -

wet. gentle. but firm.
passionate.
an explosion inside my heart
as all of what will occur past present and future
fades away for one brief moment
wherein we become singular.

but i shall not ask.
my will of patience and kindness
supresses the desire within
until the day comes when i can get my wish.
to see our lips locked tight
a dance of love in our hearts.

two days?
how can such a time feel like an eternity
it's simple when joined at the hip
transfigures itself into permanent separation
lovely, beautiful, compassionate
all words you spoke not 48 hours ago
now all that's left are antonyms
disgusting, ugly, hateful
on my knees i beg
what changed?
what makes a heart grow so cold?

mad mad mad is what you make me
knowing i'll never call you my own
i've been unwinding my heart with glee
yet you still won't pick up the phone

watch watch watch as i empty my chest
burning burning feels like i'll die
now pretend your giving me your best
next scene: hung up with a necktie

sing sing sing your beautiful song
lull me back into your arms
quick, what's that? what's taking so long?
bye bye bye, goodbye to your charm

it's killing me
can't you see

the edges of your mouth curl upwards as you smile sharply
and the deep ocean of your eyes shines as they lock with mine.
through the windows of your soul i see deep, profound sadness
yet a yearning for more
surely these feelings are reciprocated, yet
building something upon the rotten foundations of past, would only mean this beautiful thing would be sullied.
so I'll wait for you.
true love waits.

you boarded my ship when it was sinking so fast
i was so very certain you'd drown with it.
time passes
and i find my vessel mended more and more each day

i've been taught most of my life
to fear stability;
for it seemed as if instability, however dangerous
was more desirable that fleeting stability

but now that i find the earthquakes have begun
to decrease in intensity
ever so slowly

i am still left to ask
is this forever?
have i found that which i've been longing for ages to find?

it terrifies me so, but fills me with what i can only surmise is that which i dreamt about as a child

security. home. a chance at peace.

i wake from sleep, to remember dreams of our adventures
i wake from sleep, to be for, if only once, hopeful about the future
i wake from sleep, to know that i find solace in another
i wake from sleep, to that i am loved, as much as i love

i wake from sleep, to know that one day, when the storms have subsided, you will be there, holding my hand, as I walk up the final hill of my lifelong struggle.

every night
i feel like i'm suffocating
but every morning
i wake up
alive

i dont help
i only have a want for myself.
i dont care
you cry in front of me and i feel nothing.

what is selflessness?
i wish i knew.

Three long years ago it was, the union of two broken halves. Each had scars, bruises and missing teeth, the toll all former lovers and bullies had taken from us.

You held my hand, promised you'd never let go, and in the short time I spent in your arms, I lost myself. Spiraling, down the water spout of your deeply loving, piercing gaze.

It never ceases to amaze me how words that i once struggled to comprehend now  fall out of my mouth like a waterfall, forming the mosaic of emotion that is how I feel when you speak my name.

If I gave you the key to my heart would you always keep it safe?
If i gave you what's left of me, would it begin to mend the broken glass that was your reasons to smile?
Would it forever wipe all tears from your deep blue eyes?

i feel the weight of it on these shoulders
making it hard for me to speak
it's always always boulders
raining down so i feel weak

all those places and happy spaces
misplaced guilt; a lover's touch
i recoiled my hand and you grew free
i absentee

months pass and still it weeps
nothing, nowhere, goals aside
i find myself holed up inside this keep
desperately clinging to such selfish pride

the cracks mount and the **** breaks
splilling forward; such great haste
swearing thusly it might empty
yet finding more; forever aplenty

I don't know when I'll be ready
Stopping this feeling of sad and blue
Whenever I write poems
They're always about you

It took one month in your company
For us to call it quits
Yet I still sit here
Full of reminisce

I spent nine months thinking you were the one
Or at least, a person I could be with
But now it seems that not even a smith
Could repair what has been damaged forthwith

someone will drive you around the same roads i did
under streetlights at 4am
where our love was
where our love never was

to parks we sat in
wherein we spoke words of compromise
understanding and compassion
where our love was
where our love never was

in your apartment
i held your hands so gingerly
and spoke words of endless devotion
where our love was
where our love never was

//

in your arms
in my mind
in your heart
the place where our love was
the place where our love never was

i spend an evening elaborating to you
another of the lifelong atlas weights on my shoulders
saint that you are
focused, locked in, nodding,
with all your beautiful being.
understanding. empathizing. absorbing.
all of the hell of these shattering ordeals i have endured

every day you grace me with your ears
my heart grows to long for you more.
careful composure cannot be kept in situations of this nature.
so i weep
for never has this
caring, patient
...love
been shown to me

I keep having a dream
Driving an old, beat up car down the highway
Fog is pervasive and thick
Ahead, the road ends
Only emptiness

I long to cry at the supposed ending
Distraught, i produce nothing

Eerily, it feels familiar.
As if the near future is indeed unreachable
As if I will it to not exist

How do i learn the foresight to see beyond?
How do I force it?
I know that i must cause my eyes to adjust
That there is no end

every lie you said is swirling in my head
every time you walked out
screamed you'd never come back

I always waited for you like some depressed old dog
Tied to a supermarket bike rack whimpering for the one he cares about most to return

I tried to suture every wound you came to me with, pulling out my own muscle fibers to use when words weren't strong enough to convince you not to walk the tightrope of your addictions to escapism, because why, why would you walk away when I tore myself in two and went insane just to make you smile, to make you not think the world is full of horrible evil?

All I ever saw in you was the sun.
All you ever saw in me was not enough.

what's on my mind?
well i'm glad that you asked
as always, more than i can explain easily
it all started when i thought of a friend
whom i haven't spoken to since i turned 19
i remember her saying she moved far away
and then we just lost contact as i see that many tend to do
i'm lamenting about how those you used to know
only exist in your mind like a snapshot
a picture of where and when they were
not who they are now
maybe you know some about what they're up to
and well, maybe you don't
all that's for sure is they aren't them anymore
they've molted the skin of what they were
despite all you want
you can't change who they are in the present
back to whom they were when you knew them the best
and there's a sad truth to that
tthat everything eventually will become memories
some happy, some miserable.
but if you can learn to separate the pain
from the ones burned into your skull
maybe you can then learn to move forward with you life
and your car won't always be stuck in reverse.
yeah you won't always be staring through your rearview mirror.