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 Jul 2018 Stella Matutina
Kay
My soul is a fire dancing inside of me
And I don’t want to hurt someone else
And leave their ashes in my wake
So I’m holding out for someone
Whose fire burns just as bright as mine
It was just in her to smile,
programmed at birth.

Her smile was bright,
enough to light up a bleak room.

She was a joy to have around,
the warmth some needed in their life.

But not anymore.

Her smile's faded,
leaving no trace of it ever being there.

She's stone cold,
unable to feel happiness.

She's fought back with all she could,
but it's not in her anymore.

And they wonder why.

They ask her,
"Where's the old girl I know? It's too quiet."
She doesn't lie, so she can't say that it isn't them.

So now she walks down a lonely path,
one that she wouldn't voluntarily walk,
but has to.

She's lost her most beautiful trait,
and she's willing to take it back.
 Mar 2017 Stella Matutina
Chaos
The silence is so deafening
I can hardly hear the demons
Screaming my name
The void is so black
I can almost run my fingers
Through its darkness
And I am so I alone
I could scream forever
And still no one would hear me
 Mar 2017 Stella Matutina
Chaos
Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends
 Mar 2017 Stella Matutina
Chaos
there are some things
no words can say
and no person can understand
because they are stuck
inside my head
and how can i explain
when i don't know how
to get them out
 Mar 2017 Stella Matutina
Chaos
i want to stand
underneath the clouds
as the rain   f
                        a
                            l
                               l
                                  s
in  s l o w m o t i o n
to feel
every single drop
as they hit
my upturned face
and   r     o    l    l
down my neck
in serene streams
that take away
all my thoughts
leaving me
clear
clean
and *blissfully empty
 Mar 2017 Stella Matutina
Chaos
today started off bad
physically, mentally
and everywhere in between
i was not in a good space
weak, shaking, upset
and then you said hi
i was instantly lifted
i do not know how you do it
my heart feels light
my soul flying high
and although the sickness has not gone
it is lingering behind
you still make me feel better
Today I felt like more of an outcast
Than I actually am.

But you won't read this.

I have failed you,
And disappointed myself.
And for that my guilt will swallow me whole.

But you won't read this.

I am getting better,
But it's taking me awhile.
I wish you could understand
How hard I'm trying.

But you won't read this,
At least,
Not tonight.
Look, I know
I should just go to sleep
Same as I know I'd get more done if I stopped writing poems
But if I go to sleep now
I'll dream of Death
About how close I can get before our fingers twine and
I can't get them undone
And I wonder if those who choose him regret it
Because it doesn't seem like there's much to regret right now

So I'll write instead of sleep
In hopes that I'll stumble upon some words of my own
That convince me I made the right choice
When I chose    
to stay
I'm sorry, these are more thoughts for me than actual poems. I'll write a real poem to share soon I hope
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