For the first time,

I hate freaking out.
But, I love you.
I hate not feeling good enough.
But, you make me feel whole.
I hate thinking one day you'll leave.
But, for now I'm safe in your arms.
I hate crying.
But, I don't want to worry you.
I hate not letting you help me.
But, I love when you don't listen.
I hate letting you down.
But, you told me I make you proud.
I hate what my mind does.
But, I trust that you're the one.

That's it, I trust you.

It's been a while,
since I've thought about killing myself.
Almost a year probably...
Today though,
I was awoken to my mother yelling at me for taking off a ring,
and leaving it at my grandmothers.
This ring may or may not be lost now.
And now I am sure I have lost another ring for the exact same reason.
Because of the shower and a dislike for wearing jewelry in the shower.
I also don't like cleaning my room.
It's a pain.
It's my space.
Let it be a wreck.
I did do the few things in college I said I would never do.
I slacked off. I goofed off. I messed up.
So my mother took her anger and just spewed everything she thought of me.
I'm not saying she's not a fit mother.
But,
It changes things when you know how people see you.
Selfish.
Slob.
Narcissistic.
Most everything else, implied.
Those words, are quotes.

Though at the end, I woke up searching for lost items.
Realizing found attributes, that I would have never put together.
My messy room is a direct relationship to my own self worth.
"Slobbish" attributes mean that you think low of yourself, and are selfish.
So all you teenage boys, sorry to think you're self worth is low as well.
Forgetting a ring and not rushing to get it because you just felt it would be safe.
Selfish.
Selfish.
That one I still don't understand.
She kept asking, why I took it off.
And I always take it off when I get ready.
So if you ever take off an important ring for any reason, and leave it somewhere,
thinking it will be safe.
Selfish.

And because I'm a dramatic one,
once my mother left for the day.
I thought
If I'm so selfish, I'll just **** myself
If I'm so selfish, I can just die.
Because at the end of the day, suicided is the most selfish act you can commit.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it.
I'm to lazy.
That takes effort.
It would mean I cared about what was said.

But...
Obviously I can't.
Right?
Selfish,
Self Centered,
No Self Worth,
Slob,
Ignorant.

So yes,
It's been a while since I thought about suicide.
But since I'm selfish...
Should I think of it more?
Since it's been a while...

I'm tired of the gun shots.
You heard me.
I'm tired of the...
Gun shots.

I'm tired of finding someone,
Whose pleasant and kind,
Then...
Bam.
Gun shot.

I'm tired of a friend whose always there,
But then you turn around,
Then...
Bam.
Gun shot.

I'm tired of going through life,
Wishing I had something more,
Because I don't want it to end in a...
Bam.
Gun shot.

I just want to be free,
From all these bullets.
I want to be free,
From all these words.
I want to be free from the fear,
From the hurt,
Pain,
Heartache.

I want to be free,
From the gunshots.

What is happening to you?*

Well,
I'm stuck in this limbo of a world between child and adult.
A limbo between my choices and yours.

I'm stuck between childish way and adult relations.
I'm stuck between the condescending tones and looks; and the reality of freedom.
I'm at a halfway house between sanity and insanity.
Frankly, it's such a thin line I teeter it.

I'm stuck in between the micromanaging stares of my family and my own personal distain.
I'm stuck between crying myself to sleep, and waking up with dreams of these new days.
I'm stuck between being a tattered rag and rich velvet.
I'm stuck in this Limbo.

And,
You don't seem to help with your condemnation.
You're not helping.
You tell me to stop talking.
You can't see I'm afraid.
You can't see I'm pulling away...
All because I'm afraid.

You only want me to talk about things you want to hear.
You only want me to do things you want me to do.
You want me here, but you want me gone.
Leaving me in Purgatory.

Three days ago I started a journey of self help.
I started a journey of discovery
And, I'm not ready.

Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants.
Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night.
Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach.
Three days ago I started a journey.

Why?
Because I can't deal with myself.
I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life.
I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people.
I can't deal with the judgment.
I can't deal with the ***** looks.

I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me.
The mother of the man I love.
The man I adore.
Her eyes pierced through me.
And no matter what, a wound will be there.

Zoloft is not a quick fix.
It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane.
Maybe it will work.
Just maybe.

I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need.
But this world only gives me the things I don't need.

I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body.
I don't need to be told I am mean.
I don't need to be told that I cause misery.
I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship.
I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded.

When I feel all those things I remember a younger me.
A me that was searching for something.
Anything.
I tried everything.
Even God

But there are some things that even He can't fix.

I was told growing up that depression wasn't real.
Well honey, it's all...right...here.

I am blamed by something I can't control.
How would that make you feel?

Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped.
Three days ago I decided to do this for me.
Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed.
Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy.
My hope.

Three days ago I started something.
Just for me.

My best friend told me, she understood why I drank.
My mother is sad.
My father is a liar.
One sister can't live,
The other wants to live like me.

I always knew drinking just took the place of cutting.
Drinking took the place of thinking.
Drinking took the place of reality.

I'm no alcoholic,
I'm... an alcohol enthusiast.

You.
Yes you.
Gosh.
You.
I love you.
And you lie.
You say you care.
You use you're smooth words to coax me.
To coax your way back into my heart.
You.
You there.
You've stolen me.
Stolen all of me.
All the goodness.
You.
You don't even know.
You.
You say you want to stay.
You.
You say you won't hurt me.
You.
You're going to be a liar.
You can't help it.
Because I'll either be,
Too much,
Or,
Too little.
You.
You scare me.
You walked right in through the front gate.
You.
You didn't see the warning sign.
Beware.
Delicate heart.
Easily loves.
Easy to hurt.
Fragile.
You.
You just walked in.
Now.
Now we wait and see.

So,
I listen to your words.
You're confused words.
I look at your sad face...
And I don't see a man, but a child.
Trying to find exactly what I'm looking for.
And... we can't decide.
What to do?
What do you think?
How do you feel?

It's just complicated...

At the end...
You want me around, but you don't want me.
You want bits and pieces,
so you don't fully,
break...
me.

And at the end of the day...
I'm left in the dark...
Alone...again
And quite frankly,
It's killing me.

Slowly,
but one day, because you can't decide...
I won't be there...
because I'm not that strong...
And,
Even though I've wanted you from the first day...
You'll apparently never want me...

Unmotivated,
to leave the sheets that invite me in to protect me from this world.
Unfiltered,
from the concept of right and wrong and stop and go.
Unloved,
by this cruel world that continues to throw curve ***** in all directions.
Unwanted,
because of these odd quirks and habits.
Uncomfortable,
is all you will ever be around me.

Why?
Because I care...
I care when I shouldn't.
I care when it kills me.
I care when you don't care about me...
That's it...
...you don't care.
You never have, nor shall you ever.
Whose the you?
This cruel world.
Who restricts our passion,
restricts the truth...
dignity...
goodness...
meekness...
kindness...
joy...
love..
pea­ce...
gentleness...
happiness...
so in the end,
wouldn't you be sad too?

One day, I'll miss love.
One day.
Why?
Because, I'm stuck in love.
Eternally.
Always.
From one to the next one.
Blushing bride,
Schoolgirl crush,
Artist inspiration...

One day, I'll miss it all.
Because...
I'm stuck in love.

I'm sorry.
That I'm bruised,
broken,
and not like the rest.
I'm sorry.
I'm loud,
bold,
yet never confident.
I'm sorry.
I try to take control,
lead,
yet I'm only a child.

But you know...
time.
We don't have a whole lot.
We don't think of it though...
because,
who wants too.

So I'm sorry if I'm not...
enough.
Not pretty enough,
or smart enough,
or even cool enough.

I'm sorry.

I act as though you can fix me.
You.
Every.
Last.
One.
Of.
You.

I act as though, I'm fine.
I act as though there is a simple cure.
I act as though, if I refuse to say no you'll say.
If I don't say no, I will be fixed.

I erased no from my vocabulary.
No.
Don't call me baby.
No.
Don't touch me like that.
No.
Don't treat me like that.
No.
Don't tell me to drink this.
No.
Don't tell me who I am.
No.
Don't tell me how to act.
No.
Don't tell me how to be.
No.
Don't pull my hair.
No.
Don't smack me.
No.
Don't you hit me.
No.
Don't leave bruises on me.
No.
*Please..

I want to take a moment.
Just one.
To sit in silence for those we've lost.
For those we've lost and now let down.

Today, is not a holiday.
But a reminder.
My year is almost up,
And what have I done to make you proud?
Nothing.

Sure.
I've became the shiny new toy for many.
"Magical"
"Beautiful"
"Adventitious"
"Intreaguing"

Let me think about this.
If I'm all of these things,
Why have I done nothing magical?
Why have I not created beauty?
Why have I not been on an adventure?
Why have I not kept interest?
Why have I not faced my fears?
Why am I not bold?
Daring?

So let us take a moment of silence.
To apologize.
Frankly because,
I have not been living my life.
If my world is growing larger,
Why do I imagine it getting so much smaller?

So this is for you Paw.
This ones for you.
This next year,
In honor of you.

A moment of life, for you.

A.
We used to be friends,
You were so talented, especially with your words.
You pulled me one way and another.
I was your puppet.
You cut my strings, until now.
You poke and pull for my attention, even though it kills me.
But, I still see that you are good...

B.
Too tall,
So sad.
I know your sad voice and it makes me cry.
A year, I've known you a year.
You call out when your lonely,
and I heal you for the day.
So sad.
Now I'm sad,
because I keep trying when you keep reaching,
and I get no where.
I'm sorry I try.
But, I still the good in you...

C.
You're a new face,
and I could like you.
You make me laugh,
smile.
You keep me an arms length away because I remind you of her.
You don't want to hurt me,
Because you see I'm hurt.
So you'll hold my hand,
Kiss my head,
and tell me I'm Wonderful.
You're hurt too,
But I see the good in you...

D.
Is where I am.
Alone.
Just me.
Unwanted.
Waiting to be called on.
Afraid.
Not knowing when it will end.
Hurt.
But there is still good in me...

One of my favorite lines of poetry is,
That there are enough gallons of blood to make you an ocean. Do not settle for letting these waves settle and the dust to collect in your veins.
And...
I've let everything in my life settle.
I settled into the depression.
I settled into my bed I made, and I almost stayed there.
I almost stayed in the forgotten nights and days.
I almost stayed in the feigned affection.
I almost
completely
settled.

You see,
I've been taught against that my entire life.
Be in the world, but not of it.
But,
I failed.
I settled.
And, I always thought I would be this rushing wave.
I would take everyone by surprise.

I did alright.
I fooled them all.
I fooled them with words and excitement.
I fooled them with the influx of every word.
I even feigned my own happiness.
No one knew I was drowning in my own life.
Breathing,
Yet,
Gasping for life.

The sleepless nights,
The sickening nights,
The thieves and witnesses,
All of it.

I wish I could say it wasn't true.
That I am whole.

But.

I am done lying.
I am done.
Finished with everything that pulled me to the bottom,
Drowning me.

I'm ready to be an ocean.