today was a good day.
the first good day i've had in months.
i laughed and smiled and had fun.
it was a day full of loud music and loud voices of the people that i care so deeply about.
the people you introduced me to.
the atmosphere was warm and inviting and for once I felt loved for who i was.
today was a good day.
so, why am i sitting alone in the parking lot at 12:30 crying?
why does it feel like the world is falling apart around me?
today was a good day.
•
today i watched you smile.
today i heard your voice, animated and full.
today i saw the light shine in your eyes.
today my heart leapt when i heard your laugh.
•
today i took the term "fall in love" too seriously.
today my heart shattered after it fell.
it broke because she was the reason for your smile; the reason your eyes lit up.
she was the other half of your "forever and always."
i was tossed aside and ignored like the nothing i'd always believed i was.
thank you for proving my point today.
•
today was a good day.
it felt like a dream.
so, what's causing me so much heartache?
why am i drowning in my own tears; getting lost in my despair?
i'm crying because it was a good day.
a good day without you.
but, nevertheless, today was a good day.

you know how after it rains and then the wind blows, the trees always rain down a little shower of their own? that's what it feels like now that you're gone. the initial storm is over but every now and then a memory of you is reintroduced to my mind. I'm reminded of what came before with no hint of what is to come. the ever present clouds threaten even more rain and block any available sunlight to the point that I cherish the rain because it's become a normality.

i jolt awake with tears streaming down my cheeks as the nightmare fills my memories
in it i hear you laughing
-a sound which once brought nothing but joy to my heart
now fills me with dread and sorrow
you were not laughing with me nor at me
but with someone else
with her
•
the saddest part of it all is that it is not only a nightmare but also my new horrifying reality

i wonder if it hurt you as much as it hurt me to watch you break when she eventually gave up on you