I looked at my shoes and sat down.
A moment of clarity undefined.
You said "if It didn't happen now it would have happened anyways" like a bad slide tackle from behind alway does.
For obvious reasons, that logic fell short on me.
How would you like me to take that as I untied the knot and let the shoe fall to the ground?
I sat on the ground and watched the shoe lay there in silence.
Thought to myself, if a shoe falls in the forest, does it make any noise.

{My heart was pumping at cruising speed and I thought I was playing to win the match, but what was I really doing?}

Should I take off the sock and see my foot?  Exposing the tender skin and scars that you know we're already there?  Take a walk and see how the ankles, just freshly kicked and bleeding, reels under pressure?
Maybe I'll just give you this shoe and see how you think it fits and if it's comfortable enough to play in.

i cranked my music box harder
only to stop and hear it echo in the void we created.

i cranked my music box harder
so that you could hear where i was
in this darkness that you created.

i was waiting. wanting.
you used to have such a loud music box
and i would listen to it for hours
and i would put money in the monkey's cup

i cranked my music box harder
but nothing came out.
a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it.

-------

i saw you on the corner cranking your music box
but i'm trying not listening to your music anymore.
ignoring your monkey that now wants to rattle it's tin cup at me.
putting my headphones on and listening to my own music as i crank along.

thoughts
that burst out of the bottle
like overly carbonated japanese sodas
that the marble has dropped into.
Your transgression,
making me feel like ive stepped over the line again.
Opened myself up to the air again
making the blood clot and dry again
waiting to be broken and bleed again
leaving me with inevitable failures...again.
2 left feet;
a cow that will not give milk;
drink up and taste the empty victory.

what are we now?
are we friends?
i know we aren't lovers,
but i'd love to hold you
move into you and make you know that i'm here.
Touch your face and see some sort of recognition in your eyes.
Know that you are aware.
Aware that I want you in ways that go bump in the night,
that open me up for deeper hurt or for something electric.
Little shocks that would make you think about where we were
and where we could be.
But I'm failing.
like chemistry gone awry.
Missing the right substrate to suspend it, hold it together.
The right reaction to our action?
Something to let us know that it was right or wrong.
are you thinking what i'm thinking?

doth I offend?

Waking up to watch you leave wasn't enough.
The kisses you left like a small tip
on the table
only made me miss you more
as the sun rose
and lit the suffocating trees up.
What were you looking to gain by coming and going in darkness?
Telling me I wasn't paying attention to your choice in night clothes that were buried in sheets and blankets at night?
I was there for you,
but,
I forgot to keep trying,
Forgot about the time I was buying.

I was asked, why do I write and all I could think of to say,
was because I believe.

I believe looks matter.
There is
healing in a look of compassion,
love in understanding,
comfort in tears cried with me.

But one look away, ignoring
can break a heart.


I believe touch matters.
There is
care enclosed in a hug,
relief in a hand placed on a shoulder,
encouragement in a touch on the passing by.

But pulling away, distance
can break a heart.


I believe words matter.
There is
acceptance in words of forgiveness,
restoration in mercy and grace,
healing in kind, soothing whispers.

But one word out of bitterness, hatred
can break a person.


I write because I believe words matter.
I write because I believe you matter.

Sometimes it takes
thousands of words
to heal a broken soul

and I want to tell you,

I will write
word after word,
paragraph after paragraph,
page after page.
As long as it takes,
I will write until you finally believe
that you matter.