Please tell me,
Why is it that I'm such an unhealthy person?
I didn't have that bad of a childhood
Not bad at all, really. Pretty good, if anything.
Minimal trauma.
Imperfect, but loving parents.
Is it my brain chemistry?
Genetics?
I don't get it.

Well, I can't answer that question.
Reason being I haven't been there all along
You see, I'd have to know exactly who you were when you were born
And then I'd have to know how your mother held you
How your father disciplined you
What your sister said to you when you'd annoy her
And I'd have to have been there for it all
Every moment
Because each moment shaped you
And even then, I couldn't see just what imprint each experience left
Because I am not inside you
I would have a lot of clues
And I could ask questions for more
But there is no knowing it all
Because you are you because of everything

This will probably make you uncomfortable for one reason or another.
Most likely, you'll be ashamed on my behalf
Perhaps angry at me or something I write here
Frustrated with me
Depressed by my outlook, maybe
But I will still share it
Because...I don't know why, really. It's not art. It's just me.
Anyway,
I don't spend much time with people who are really in control of their lives and going in a positive direction
I gravitate toward people like me who just get by based on whatever talent and skill they were born with
Most of them don't do as well as I do in terms of externals, like holding down a good job, some money in the bank, buying a house
Most of them do much better in terms of being okay with themselves
I don't know anyone as unhealthy as me
That really hits me when I have it in front of me
Out of all my friends and people I know, I don't know of anyone with as unhealthy of an internal life as I have
I end up scaring, hurting, or creeping out the people I get closest to
And when my internal belief is that there's something deeply wrong with me, that only confirms what I know to be true
Counseling (every week) is no longer helping, if it ever was
I tossed ****** addiction therapy and recovery a long time ago and I'm not going back, but at least I'm not getting worse to my knowledge. Unless I'm in denial. I am significantly better than I was in the months leading up to tossing "recovery."
Let's face it. I'm obsessed with a girl who is LONG GONE.
I gave up on anything coming from that, but I am obsessed with thoughts about it.
Maybe that means I haven't given up.
I'm pretty sure I have freaked her out a couple ways even though I am not a stalker and haven't done anything that could be called aggressive toward her.
I really don't even write "blunt poetry about love, loss, and loneliness" anymore. I just write **** that passes through me.
I tell people I think I'm unhealthy.
I'm completely sober and I'm seriously considering sleeping on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever been this low?
I'm not this way constantly. But the fact that I'm not consistent just makes me feel unstable.
One minute I'm on 4 dating sites, the next I'm disabling all my accounts and deleting my apps because either a) a girl upset me or b) I feel too unstable to be looking for anything.
Now how about if that girl read this? She'd know she escaped a serious disaster.
And notice how it comes back to her for me. ****** up and I know it because I'm intelligent. But that doesn't fix it.
And I do forget about her sometimes now. I think that is honestly getting better. There, that's my glimmer of hope, tossed you a bone on that one.
Might as well end it on a positive.

My heart beats
with a murmur
Its unsteady nerves
store anxiety:
confusion,
uncertainty,
self-loathing,
and depression
Occasionally,
it goes into
convulsions
as I feel the fallout
of the unhealthy
things I do,
and I wonder
whether anything
I'm doing in life
is right
Drinking, drugs,
staying up all night,
thinking with my ****
I just hope
one of these
heart attacks
I've been having
either wakes me up
or kills me,
because this
is no way
to live my life

It's not that feeling sad
isn't worse than feeling happy
It is worse
It's that there's nothing
wrong with you
for feeling sad

So don't be ashamed
Don't hide it inside
Where it'll only fester
Bring it out into the light
And we'll kiss it away

I don't need an adventure every time we hang out
I don't need you to be a genius
You don't need to be completely put together
You're allowed to be unhappy

You can look me in the eye
And say you had a rough day
You can collapse into my arms
And I'll love you all the more

you say
this
I look at you like
that
make a joke
here
a brush across the hand
there
a smile
a laugh
a text
a kiss
and I'm bored
I see the moves
as they occur
before they unfold
I know just what
you're going to do
what you're going to say
and what I'm supposed to
and I'm bored
I'm ******* bored

I wanted to write
about that sweet spot
the lowest part of
a woman's back
where my hand rests
after making love
where I trace my palm
up and down
that same perfect curve
over and over
my favorite place

But here I am again
again and again
full of anxiety
your trespasses
firmly rooted
in my mind
my heart
still can't
understand what
happened to it
so I make this "art"
instead