I have my dad's frown lines on my forehead
but I've never seen him cry.
I hear my mother weep for the days gone by
wails in the bathroom echo on the hollow walls
the house they built together
He said it's over
I replied, "Alright"
as if it would ever be alright again
as if I'd ever figure out how to trust a man
Last night I dreamt of Dad showing Mom his new house
watched them like old friends
I woke up and laughed
wishful thinking
frown lines

If I had to will my heart to beat it would have stopped.

I don't like him as much as he likes me, but it's comfortable and I haven't had that in so long. It's been years and he's loved me since he met me. I've always known but would never admit it. The first time he kissed me he said,
"I have wanted to do that for so long!" and I hailed a cab alone. I sleep in his bed on Wednesdays and Saturdays, but we act like it's not routine. I still haven't invited him to my house. He hasn't met my best friend. I talk about her all the time, but I never mention him. I wonder what his friends know about me. If they tell him to leave me. I skipped his birthday and he wasn't mad. He can't help but kiss my head, my back, my ears, my toes, my... He's patient. I met his family when we were friends. He always smells my hair and cooks me dinner. I miss him most when I'm on the train. He remembers all my stories that no one ever listens to. He wants to keep me warm--my hands, my feet, even though they rarely are, and I barely notice. Except when my feet are touching his and I don't want to turn his warmth into my cold. I have poor circulation. And isn't that how it's always been? Poor circulation.
His warmth, my cold.

Dreamt of driving down
that old back road in summertime
looked like a country song
I smell the warm air
I said, "This looks just like home."
Insisted, "This is just like home."
Even in my dreams
I know
                    *I need to come home.

Dementia took Grandma's mind
She complimented my pie
And she didn't even have to.

There were no pictures by the tree
A moment in time we don't want to see
Grandma leaving us slowly
We all miss Katie.

My hands began to look so old
Connected to this soul.

Walking on an iced over lake
I looked into your eyes
each word a crack
ready to fall through
submerged in those icy blues
the tide keeps pulling me back to you.

I saw a necklace I thought you'd like.
I still like the sound of your name
even though it hurts to say.
I never liked it on anyone but you.
The healing bracelet you gave me
has been in my jewelry box for 13 months.
I wore it every day for more than a year
I haven't seen or spoken to you since Marie's birthday
September 9th
I wonder if losing you was part of my healing or yours.
Do you still dance to Florence & the Machine?
Do you still tell our stories?
Remember Stab Wound Guy
and the time we took videos of each other
throwing up in the same weekend
and it wasn't revealed until brunch the next day?
Or the cab driver that said "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"
is the most romantic song?
What do you tell our friends when they ask where I've been?
I can't forgive you for saying
I would have been ***** even if I hadn't come to Chicago.
I can't forgive you for saying
you needed me.
You held me crying on your bathroom floor.
Do you know I got a cat?
When was the last time you saw your sister?
I was never more honest than when I was with you.
Secrets in stairwells.
I don't look at our pictures.
I dreamt I saw you and you looked away.
I only speak about you gently.
I still think about you daily.
You are one of three things I wouldn't change
about my time in Chicago.
You taught me how to eat an artichoke
and how to survive.
Just so you know, I'm okay.
I wish you could see me smile now.
I still wish I knew how to thank you
or if you know I'm sorry.
What do you remember about me?

I want to tell the truth and not stutter.
Stutter.

We'll be poor, and we'll watch the summer garden grow.

Masculine woman
Strong, but not tough
I caught her gaze
Sincere.

Early September air has me feeling motion sick again.
It's been two years and I count them in breaths.
Count them like the crucifixion.
After Death.

Roll up your sleeves
              and work hard
              Show your scars.

I took a shower and went to sleep
immediately after I was *****
I tried to wash it off
or sleep it away
but it stayed
in denial
I thought the past isn't permanent
and that nothing is
because I thought time would heal me
friends would hear me
and I would always recognize my own face
none of those things turned out to be true
I don't know who I am
or if time and friendship really exist
because I can't find them anywhere
looking under crystal rocks
Plato says that we know what love is
by understanding everything it is not
I'm finding out what permanence is
by process of elimination
all I know is
I couldn't wash it off

Days come and go so fast and still I find myself mostly alone
yet, I always know you'll be there when I come home
that's really all I can ask
spontaneity and our gummy bear flask
best friends and you don't know the whole truth
that strangely makes me more comfortable around you
don't tread lightly
or think about my struggle nightly
feeling alone again
strange version of where this darkness began
now that you're far away
even our flask couldn't stay
it's been 20 days since you left me here
can't believe I have to wait a whole year
cause I need a best friend
to stop me from diving into the deep end
you always keep me on pace
suddenly feeling like I should start a high speed chase
so I can feel the adrenaline pumping hard
madness overcomes my body left scarred
feel myself pushing people away
don't want them to see me this way
gazing at the face of danger
turning myself into a stranger
I don't have anyone to keep me in line anymore
to ask me who I'm living for
you come back and I'll elude to my scandalous nights
recklessly leaping from great heights
cause when you walk too far alone
it's so easy to keep your secrets your own
when the *** and drugs consume me
I'll be a ****** up kind of free
that's what I want right now
when there's no one to hold me down
days come and go so fast and I still find myself mostly alone
can't wait till you come home

I still see my dad the way I did when I was seven
I think I always will
I barely notice him age until I clear my eyes
clear the memories that make up who he is
who he has been to me
run to the door he's home for the night
little girl playing pool he'll teach me right
he wears the necklace we made with beads
make a game of pulling weeds
eyes like grandma's icy blue
consistent and true
welcome me home like they always do
roles these days have been reversed
I walk through the door he hugs me first
the wrinkles around his eyes begin to shape
pain in his hip he tries to escape
yet, I see my dad steady and playful at 43
a part of my memory where he'll always be,
makes me wonder how he sees me
guess I don't blame him that he can't let me go
feels like time should pass more slow
I bet he sees me at 7 years too
the picture with my lips turned candy blue
carry me on his shoulders
strong arms seem like boulders
seven
not old enough to know that our childish fun
will one day be gone
seven
shame I don't believe in heaven.

Beaten and broken down,
abandoned
by the only one I believed to care,
the only one who knew me
didn't feel so alone in this city
Our closeness lasted a year to the day
we met and lost it all the weekend of our birthday
The things I won’t tell you now
secrets deep inside
I’m always trying to hide.
Truth be told,
we’ll never be the same
cause my heart still hurts
and you don't know what it is to feel true pain.
I read that the tortured stay tortured
Someone like me
The person you no longer see.
It’s not over
just never the way we used to be
Until we turned twenty.

My momma, she taught me to be a lady
never treat a lady sister shady
to walk with my head held high
respect is to look me in the eye
to always be polite
it doesn't matter who is right
say please and thank you
give credit where it is due
and you
who taught you to be a man?
who are you trying to be better than
who taught you to talk down to me
like I’m some kind of discount deli meat
cause I walk down the street
strangers whisper “hey ****”
then they flex for me
“I’m just looking to get more ***** in my life"
keys between my fingers cause I can't carry a knife
“****, where you going tonight?”
this **** well ain’t right.
Cars beep and slow down as I walk alone
asking if they can pick me up and take me home
it’s not a compliment, more of a threat
heightened consciousness makes me sweat
feel unprotected, cheap
another car horn beep
you gents just don’t see it
the wrongs those guys commit
the slimy unyielding stare
cause when it happens you’re not there.

A call
it’s bad news
there is a grave tone
transferred over the phone
but the words are matter of fact
I feel it in my bones
Death is the conversation
keep it short
so the shock subsides
time to make plans
plans to come home
plans to honor
plans to bury.
I knew this day would come
I just hoped not today
and every day
I hoped my world wouldn’t be changed.

I can feel last summer’s ghost
and the summers before that feel quite the same
they run together in rapid fluidity of campfires,
swimming in the lake, sun-kissed cheeks,
and long trampoline talks
I can still hear the beer cans crushing
marshmallows melting
mountain pies searing in the hot coals
laughing in the dark
our voices echoed on the trees
and the moon lit our faces
as we swam in the waters that knew our skin
just as much as we knew the clay beneath our feet
wrapped in towels and blankets
our bodies wet
our spirits high
watched each other grow under those stars
the Big Dipper always in sight
it seemed to hold us all in its palm
huddled together in experience
a life we shared only with each other
the things only Central kids knew
safe from the world afar
it was just us out there
we were all we needed
water ripples gently
our feet reach the shore
I guess this is what if feels like to grow up
to look back
fondly

Ask me “what’s wrong?”
I’ll always say “tired”
Don’t be fooled
you know the truth
Know me too well
If I were truly sleepy
I would be very loopy
Don’t be fooled
you know the truth

Saddest girl with a smile
on her face never fades
dances with the wind
cries with the rain
she wants no one to see her pain
heartbreaking words said with a smile
she’s been holding it in for a while

Silliest girl without a care
says goofy things
seems so unaware
much more introspective,
reserved than you’d think

Gives hugs freely
friends embrace
but she won’t give
him a chance to kiss her face

Scared someone will
look her in the eye
and know the things
that make her cry
Can barely talk
to her closest friends
secretly likes it
when they pry

Longs for the days of ole
never tell a soul
Pretty, isn’t she?
silently, *“please don’t see me”.

Saw your pictures, Mom
the sadness in your eyes so calm
There was a minute when
I barely recognized your face
Shame on me
look in the mirror and see
your features have left a trace

Well your pictures look great
March 20th, 2013 was the date
An obituary photo shoot
how fabulously like you
Preparing for sad days ahead
planning like you’re already dead
Morningside Cemetery plot number six
another family member to add to the mix
Tombstone of granite
grapevine wrapped cross engraved on it
These conversations are sad but true
you only want less for me to do
I’m sorry because you love me so much
while I’m here in Chicago far out of touch
Call as much as you please
hearing your voice is the worst tease
I want to see your face now, hold you tight
please just know I'm doing alright.

Why do you want to know me?
Who do you think I am
or want me to be?
The depths of my soul
you’re not ready to see.
Probably not who you think.
A mistake you thought
you wouldn’t make
My heart is already broke
What feelings have I awoke?
Do you think your heart can repair me?
How fair would that be?
I just don’t want your soul
to be wounded at my hands.
If you come any closer
you might sink in my quicksand.
I can’t bear to bring you down
Don’t want my pain to make you frown.
What did I ever do
to interest the likes of you?

I fear one day I should have daughters,
Yet I already know their names:
Ruby, Jane, Dotty, Maggie, Charlotte.
Would it be a blessing or a curse
If they turned out like me?
My mom told me when I was young
“it ain’t easy being a woman, I’m sorry.”
Sure as **** that was true.
I swear I never took that woman for a fool.
I can’t help the way it plays in my head
The pain in a woman’s eyes
Her smile so alive
It tells every lie
Deep down she’s half dead.
As I walk this path myself
Just as generations before
I wonder if that’s why
Little girls have such pretty names
To have something to keep it together for.
I’m older now and I still dream of their faces
How they’ll do right by
Our family of strong women
Whose names they were given.
Don’t be sorry, Mamma dear,
You pass your burdens to me
So our family can survive another year.

Take it slow
Take it slow
I’ve never lovingly been
Where this will inevitably go.
Softly, slowly
Softly, slowly
You gently touch my arm, my hair, my face
I whisper about my past
Things I have to tell you
Before you can begin to break through
Flashback
Flashback
Tears rolling down my cheek
I can only see his hollow eyes
Please no
Let me go
Body freezes, it’s just begun
Stare at the ceiling till it’s done
Please no
let me go
Just let me go

Honest to God
if I stay I won’t survive another year
Tell you I’m flawed
Every person I meet engulfs me with fear.
This isn’t me
Became the girl I never wanted to know
Well, they used to say my smile made me glow
Can feel bright Chicago lights blinding me now
I’m doing this the only way I know how
Fight to the death
Shame this **** tail spun me into loneliness