Sometimes I wonder

if I even survived
my childhood.

Maybe some part of me
is sleeping
up on the hill.

One of those
Nightmares
That I couldn't escape
Carried me off
In its jaws

and so maybe
I am planted.
Looking down
At all the people
I can't remember.

I hope that I am ashes.
I never wanted a stone.

i felt true love tonight.
i felt it when you looked at me.
when you kissed me.
when you pulled me to you
and we somehow fell asleep,
tangled in each other's limbs.
when i met you and said you were different,
i never knew just how much.
i never knew that what started as
late night conversations in your car
would turn into
kisses at baseball games.
or that it would progress into
thanksgiving with your family,
christmas with mine.
running away together,
if just for a day.
making love until you were
almost too tired to drive home.
and now,
well now we're in a whole new world.
a world of buying your own textbooks
and meal plans
and roommates that make us laugh
until three in the morning.
but at the end of the day,
when i crawl into bed,
you're still there.
one year later,
and you're still here.
i never imagined we would
make it this far.
but we took baby steps and
we still walked a mile.
i want to walk a million more with you,
and we will.
those miles will take us
through graduation,
down the aisle,
into parenthood,
and to the end.
but there's no one else
i'd rather walk them with.
i love you,
now and forever,
forever and always.

It would have been the grandest thing~
had we wed then, and bore offspring.

And they'd have grown to call you Pop~
and ask you for advice, but STOP...

Instead, we have the quiet life~
without the nonsense and the strife.

Without the blessed little things~
that parenthood most often brings.

The homemade gift and bedtime prayer~
the hug and kiss that shows you care.

The baseball games, the prom and date~
the stern word when she comes in late.

The BBQ for all her friends~
and be there when her marriage ends.

A shoulder in the worst of storms~
advice not taken reaps the throrns!

Family life, with all the bliss~
Instead our paths have come to this...

Your tears well up, please don't be sad
From now on, Babe, I'll call you ' Dad'.

Happy  Non-Father's Day

I.
My son does not understand fear,
he is 3,
he thinks in color,
he believes in magic,
he says that our dog Smokey
controls the weather.

Watch him as he goes!
Jumping over cracks on sidewalks,
pretending to fly,
attempting to get near electric outlets
because he saw them spark once,
and fire,
fire is cool!

"Watch me Mommy!

watch me."

II.
Some days I stay in bed all day,
I tell everyone I am catching a cold,
a sinus infection,
another migraine again.

It is easier to lie than to explain,
that it is too difficult to shower,
to find an outfit, to brush my hair,
to make food,
to chew it.

Friends jokingly call me a hypochondriac,
my Mother thinks I am mellow dramatic,
My son asks me if I need my temperature checked.

It is too honest to say,
"I am fighting monsters, and they won today."
Who would believe me if I did?

We are taught since childhood
to not believe in the things
we can not see.

III.
The day we buried my Grandfather,
I wore my favorite gray dress,
I was scared to taint it
with such a sad memory,
but I was 8 months pregnant
and nothing else fit.

We threw dirt in a hole
as three strangers watched us grieve.
They stood with shovels ready to do their jobs,
ready to get home to their loved ones.  

All I could think about was how much
it aches to love anyone,
even in the good times, it aches.
Loss dances outside our window
like flames, waiting to engulf.

I vowed to protect my child
from any unnecessary pain,
I vowed to make him feel safe.

Now I fear I am the one
tainting him in gray.

IV.
Not every day is bad,
most days are nice, in fact,
some days are so good
that the bad ones seem
like distant memories.

On the good days I feel brave,
brave like my son;

I tickle his tummy and show him
which lights are stars, which are planets,
and tell him I love him, always,
no matter what.

Infant hands
gripping thumbs.
Tired arms encircling adult neck.
Your first smile,
first laugh—
first tooth, step, and word, our
first shared glance.
Moments, landmarks of your life, the
joy of my own.

Infant eyes so full
of wonder,
even the meagre astounds.
Constellations,
planets and moons, asteroids
creeping through space,
world destroyers and raisers of new.
The universe, its
infinitely vast magnificence, at
molecular level iris comprised.
The pupil—centre ajar
serving soul's route,
a window into 'nother realm, the
place of spirit's hailing.
True self temporarily encased,
the pathway to which
in resides of corporeal existence
the pith of life.
Your eyes—as much wonder possessed
as perceive.

A wish;
you might stay young forever, each
day spent together, that
your innocence,
your heart, may
never know break's suffering.
That cheek, tear might never dampness vandalize.
Your life—unspoiled joy,
mere childish disappointment to claim,
might always remain.

A shelter from hate,
from hunger and strife.
The broadcasts of the world
that their weighty burden might never
find home upon tiny shoulder.
In my palm, Atlas' strength I possess,
to keep at bay
war—its further result.
Disaster.
Death,
thunder wind lightning,
the monster under your bed.
The fear of all things fear inciting,
a paladin whom you I serve.

But in that wish
I might deprive,
an incalculable love—life's
blessed comprise.
The force by which
a patriarch's drive—
the reason for being.
By selfish pinning of youth,
fulfilment you may never know

As much to protect you,
I do myself.
A fear of my own finale.
Residing forever in this happy dream.
Terror realized,
contrary to that my inevitable absence—that
I might never leave you, but
that you might never leave me.
My son, I love you, and
in time you will see.